Discovering the World Around Me

A Different Look at Things

2011-11-02T11:44:00.000-05:00

Last night I was laying in bed reading a book. Slowly, my eyes wondered to the wall next to the bed. Cracks were running down it. Paint was peeling off. Frowning, I looked around and noticed other flaws in the room that I had either not noticed before or I had just not paid much attention to.

Slowly, a sense of dissatisfaction rose up within me. All I could see were the problems with the room. I then ventured further out to the dining room and living room. I began to see the same things. More discontent and disappointment welled up inside.

As subtlety as it all started, those feelings were gently replaced with wonder. I then began to notice again the charm of the house. Yes, there were flaws. It was old. It had not be lived in a for close to a year. But most of the flaws were fixable. We could fix those cracks in the wall and repaint. In fact, we have the paint ready to go.

Though in front of me at that moment were all the cracks and imperfections, I saw the potential. I saw the heart of the house that was just waiting to be embraced. It was up to me to bring it out.

As I climbed back into bed, I looked at my snoring husband. I had to laugh. That snore drives me crazy. From there I can easily go into the rendition of his ADD shortcomings and his fixation of sports instead of the family. I could go on and on about how he never stops talking. I could look at him as I did the house just moments before. But what good does that do me but bring deep discontent and a rift in our marriage?

I looked at him sleeping and I smiled. Yes, that snore was there, but so was he. I saw his ability to be there in my darkest moments and hold my head up. I saw his ability to talk to anyone about anything at anytime when they need someone the most. I can't do that. I saw the charm underneath the flaws.

As I closed my eyes, I only prayed he could do the same to me and see beyond the cracks to the potential just waiting below the surface.

The Importance of Quality Time

2011-10-31T13:39:00.001-05:00

We all have busy lives. We start the day off running. Barely do we have time to take our first breath. It goes that way through the whole day into the night. As we close our eyes to the rising moon, our thoughts run wild to what is to be done the next day. The next morning, it starts all over again.

When do we have time to get to know each other? When do we notice the little things that are important? We don't until it is too late.

In our home, there are five of us who are busy all the time. Travis works at the local school as a history and English teacher. He also coaches basketball. On the side, he teaches online at a university. I go to school online full-time, work with several writing and public relation sites, and try to provide for the family. This does not include the social activities I'm involved in. Our oldest daughter is involved in sports and music. Our son is involved in all sports. Our youngest daughter is in Girl Scouts. This does not count our attendance at community events. Now, where is our quality time?

We struggle with that. We struggle with that a lot. What do we do about it? Sadly, there are too many times we do nothing. Yes, nothing until the volcano erupts. But then we find little ways to be together. It's not uncommon for my husband and I to take a drive. We live in beautiful areas where the landscape is breathtaking and the wildlife amazing. We'll take a road we have never been down before. With the children, they'll take a walk with me as I take the dog out.

What is the result of these little pieces of quality time? It helps heal rifts and seal the bonds of the family. These quality moments are very important in a family. It is during these times that we learn more about each other. We learn what is on our minds. We learn what is in our hearts.

Finding Yourself

2011-10-26T16:52:00.002-05:00

It seems that we spend our whole lives trying to find ourselves. As young children, we struggle with discipline because we want to explore. As teenagers, we desire to know our entire future and to become adults. As young adults, we struggle with what society wants from us and the stirrings of our soul. This only increases with each decade. The closer we approach middle age, the more we look within and try to find who we really are and not what everyone wants us to be. Toward the end of our lives, we will have come to two places. Either we gave up and followed the dictates of society and opinion, or we found ourselves and defied the world.

I am right in the middle of the approach to middle age. A few years back, I began to struggle with how everyone wanted me to be. Each person had their own opinions. Every segment of society demanded something different. I was to be the working woman who showed the men that she could do a better job than them. At the same time, I was to be the homemaker who took care of her family and put them first. I was to be the obedient daughter yet the dutiful wife. I was to follow my Lord while being directed by my elders. I was around 32 when I realized that I could not be everything that everyone wanted. I was being pulled in every direction. Where one path was opened for me, someone pulled me down a different one and another person took me to a different one. Then I was judged for not meeting all criteria and being perfect in every way.

When one struggles with their soul, they find that there is a wealth of pain that comes with it. As you question the situation you find yourself in, many turn on you and even abandon you. Pain of lost friendships or familial relationships cut deep into the heart. Doubt and anger at one's self creep in and threaten to consume you. This becomes a pivotal part of your growth. Do you give up and go back to the way things were? Or do you fight on because you know something lies in front of you that contains the happiness you long for?

I decided to fight on. The pain deepened. Separation from many loved ones occurred. Why? In one area of my life, I challenged the theory that as a woman I had to do all and be perfect at the same time. Who says I have to cook a full meal everyday? Why can't sandwiches work as I was required to work late? I was condemned for not being the happy homemaker while being praised for putting in so much time at work and achieving well with raises and promotions. If I took time to spend with the family, I was reprimanded for the job not coming first.

In another area, I challenged the authorities in my life. I was raised in the church and to follow God. Yet, whenever I felt Him guiding me in one direction, those around me criticized and derided me for those same actions. To be the obedient woman, I gave into those around me until I realized that I would not be answering to them come Judgment Day. I would be answering to God. This came to a head with our families when we were called to help strangers from another land and we were called by God to move to another location far away. At one point, I respectfully informed my parent that I was listening to my true Father and not any earthly parent. Only His direction was sure and true and if they did not like this then they were to take it up with Him. The sad part is that the bitterness was then not only directed at me but at God as well.

When I made life changes in my career, very few supported me. I was not doing the "right" thing. How correct they were! I was doing something that made me happy. Not everything in life is logical. The happiest times of our lives can be because we took the most illogical steps and found ourselves.

Have I found myself? Not completely, but I have found parts of me that God had placed in the package he called Rebecca but was buried by all around me. I'm exploring them. I'm testing the waters. I'm loving it. I'm not perfect. I'm not just a homemaker. I'm not just a career woman. I'm not just a child. I'm not just a mother. I am all of these and more but in a unique package of me.

I plan on finding more of myself and defying the world. I plan on being all that God wants me to be.

Finding Happiness

2011-10-14T19:23:00.002-05:00

How many people spend their entire lives and never find true happiness? Probably more than we ever realized. Maybe you are one of them.

First, what is happiness? It obviously is not depression, sadness, or the desire to be somewhere else. But it can be much more than that. It is not giddiness. It is not just being happy all the time. It is being content. It is enjoying the moment.

Happiness is not always forever. There are moments of happiness that last days, weeks, or even several years. Then we begin to want more. We want something different. That is when happiness is fading and begin replaced with something else. It could be restlessness. It could be that the world around you has changed. There is nothing forever and constant in this world.

I'm finding myself at a phase of happiness right now. We just moved to South Dakota. I'm finding myself at a state of happiness that is much deeper than a smile on my face. It is reaching into the soul.

Whenever I drive down the roads that reach across the plains and into the grasslands, I can't help but feel a pull that I've never felt before. I feel for the first time in my life that I have connected to something.

I thought it wouldn't be like that. I grew up where there were trees everywhere and bluegrass. Here there are trees but most of the land is made up of amber fields of grain. But there is something that is me here.

The landscape is so unique. There are gently rolling hills that have silk waves of grass blowing over them. Then there are sharp buttes that rise up with jagged rocks. As I come over a rise, I see below me a valley where a river winds through it and trees anchored along sections of the bank drinking in the sweet liquid. All along the fields are cattle scattered around eating the sweet grass. Over another rise can be found majestic horses that make me stop and marvel at their beauty. Another field will have buffalo wandering around. Another could have deer, antelope, pheasant, hawks, and prairie dogs scampering about.

Over and over again, the same thoughts come to me about how to describe this land. To be honest, there are not enough words to express what I see and feel. But I will make a small attempt.

I see the land as being caressed by a lover. Not just a short-term lover, but the one that is for life. The gently rolling hills are the gentle caresses that are given during moments of tenderness. From the lay of the land, there was much tenderness shared here. Then there is a sharp drop in the land and a small crevice or canyon is formed. I see that as a tense time in the relationship where the love is still there, but the tenderness has stepped aside but quickly resumed as the relationship continues through more rolling hills. A flowing creek or river signals the tears shared between the lovers that are inevitable. It could be times of sadness or joy. But either one ends up with tender rolling hills around it. As I travel I see large buttes rise up from the rolling hills. They are not gradual. They are sudden and many times severe. These are the times when love is not tender. This is when the lovers pull apart and struggle to find themselves again only to find themselves as one as they resume their tenderness. Every curve and every hill gives me a new glance into this lovers relationship. A rise will reveal miles and miles or should I say years and years of love that become a plateau and then begins a trend of tenderness that becomes more volatile and passionate as time goes on. I never know what I'll find. Then there are the storm clouds gathering in the distance to intrude upon the lovers. The beauty it presents is breathtaking. The lightening storms reflect the passion in the land. The sunsets enhance the love and give the promise of another day with more to discover.

Do I love South Dakota? More than anything. I never thought I would really find a place that I felt was more home than Kentucky. But I have. Many couldn't understand what I feel, but when you are where God wants you to be, you feel something that no words could describe and no one could fully understand.

Kids Have to Find Their Own Way

2011-09-08T18:24:00.001-05:00

Parents want so much to point their children down the right paths and watch them take it. If they would, so much pain could be avoided. Honestly, did you follow that same path your parents tried to direct you? No! You tried to find your own path. In the end, you found the joy and the pain that came with it.

What do parents know? Nothing. That is until you get older and realize that they knew a thing or two. And yet there are many things a parent might think they know and discover that they know nothing.

What do we know of our children's future? We like to think we know it well, but we have no idea what their future holds. We only know what we have faced and the lessons we learned. That's all we have to go on. That doesn't mean that they will face the same situations. More than likely they will face new adventures that we will know nothing about. That's when we realize that our children have to find their own way.

By the time your children are teenagers, you can only pray that you have directed them correctly so far. They have to make their own decisions more than ever before. You have to trust that they will make the right decisions. Will they always? No. And that's the painful part as a parent we face knowing that they will mess up and all we can do is watch.

Many of us don't just sit and watch. We jump right in and yank them back on the right path. The result? Rebellion, resentment, and a larger gap in our relationship with our children. They don't want to be told what to do. They want to forge ahead. We see the dangers and the risks. They only see the rewards. Who's right? Both? Neither? Yes to both questions.

We see the dangers and there's nothing wrong in warning them. They see what good could come out of it and there's nothing wrong in striving for it. It's the happy median that should be found that neither party wants. The parent should give a word of advice without pushing or forcing. The child should listen with respect and decide whether to follow that advice as they go forward. But that is not what happens.

Parents all too often know better and force those around them to follow. They become naggers, criticizers, and irritants in their children's lives instead of supporters, guides, and foundations. Children balk at the forced guidance and seek to find their own way as it's obvious the parents have their own agenda in mind. How right they are!

I'm saying this as I was a child who chaffed under parents who were always right and who expected to be followed even after you left home. Didn't matter if you were answering God's call. If they didn't want it, it was not accepted.

I'm saying this as I am a parent watching two teenagers pull and struggle with me as I begin the same actions as so many other parents who forced their children away. I've forgotten that they have to find their own way.

They have to experience pain and disappointment. Though I wish they could avoid it, that's unrealistic. Life is not a bed of roses. It might smell good sometimes, but there are many thorns that hurt and leave scars.

Believe it or not, your children will appreciate you more when you learn to let them make mistakes, forgive them with each action, and to not remind them of all their failures. We hated it when our parents did it. Why do we do it to our own?

Stop the crazy carousel ride! Don't repeat the same mistakes as your parents. Make all new ones. But let your children find their own way. Just be there when they need you and love them at all times.

My Own Identity Crisis

2011-09-04T23:28:00.002-05:00

Lately I have discovered that I am struggling with anidentity. Maybe it is my mid-life crisis. I’m not really sure. What I do knowis that I have started to think too much of who I am and what I want to be.

As a child, I wanted to be a teacher or a postman. I thinkthat I also wanted to be a secretary. You see, during the summer I travelledwith my Dad as he worked. During his down time, I played on his typewriter(boy, does that date me) and his calculator. Over time, he showed me how towrite up his expense reports for him to review. It was the summer before eighthgrade. We were in Tampa, Florida when my Dad was talking about a man he had hada meeting with. He was an accountant. When my Dad described what an accountantwas, I decided that was what I wanted to be. Such was the life road decided byme.

Taking accounting in high school, I thought for sure thatwas my calling. It was so easy. It stayed that way until my junior year incollege when I discovered that I hated it but was too far into my education tochange majors. I was to be an accountant.

I was an accountant for almost twenty years. About thirteenyears after graduation, I volunteered to teach a Bible class. I fell in lovewith teaching. That was what I wanted to do.

Yet, to get an education to teach was not in the picture. Ineeded time and money of which none was available to me. It was just apipedream.

Losing my accounting job gave me that opportunity. Why notgo back to school? Why not get that history degree that I always wanted? I wasalready writing weekly on history topics. Go for it.

So, I went back to school. The first classes were great.Then I began to freak out the next term. I started telling myself that I could not do it. I wasconvincing myself that I was too busy and that mentally I was not up to it.Actually, it took my husband going head to head with me to get me to complete acouple of assignments and get back into the routine.

The love of history and wanting to teach others is rising upagain. Yet, I wonder if I will ever get to that point. I want to learn yet Iwant to begin teaching.

What will I do? I’m going to do my teaching through mywriting. I’m going to write lessons and teach that way. I’ll get there. I’llfulfill the dream that I wanted to follow when I was a child.

Living the LIfe of Joseph

2011-09-03T18:52:00.000-05:00

Living the life of Joseph is not easy. There are momentswhen things seem to be going right, and then the rug seems to be pulled outfrom under you. You find yourself in some sort of prison. You hope it will onlylast a few days. The days go into weeks. The weeks slide into months. Beforeyou know it, you are in the same multi-year prison that Joseph had.

When do you get a break? Just when I am getting back myfaith and growing closer to God again, the bottom falls out from under me. Itgets frustrating. But as I feel the depression cascade in, I feel a smile atthe corner of my mouth.

When we go through the fire, we are being purified. Why?Because we are to be used for something wonderful and special. The longer weare in the fire, the more important it is for us to be pure and ready to do Hisbidding. Basically, He has something planned for me and it will require me toget rid of a bunch of junk and get battle ready.

Now, everything has a whole new perspective. I have to facethese trials because I will need the resolve and the experience for something.He is pretty imaginative. You never know what He will do. When He gives you theorders, everything will seem so clear. It is murky now. In fact, I feel almostlost and blind. Eventually, a bright light will shine on it all and I will havea better understanding. I won’t totally understand it, but I will see how thisprison I’m in fits into it all. I’ll even be thankful for it.

Growing up is never easy.

Proverbs 11:5

2011-07-26T18:40:00.000-05:00

Proverbs 11:5 says:

The righteousness of the blameless makes their paths straight, but the wicked are brought down by their own wickedness.

We watch others succeed in this world and get frustrated because we know that they are doing it through wicked ways. We know that they have wicked hearts. It is not a matter of judging someone. It is obvious that their heart is not owned by God and directed by Him. The frustration comes from seeing this make more money in this world and go far in business and with the community. But this verse reassures us that they will be brought down by the very acts that make them “successful”.

It can be really frustrating to watch a cop take a payoff. Seeing them partake in a drug deal makes one sick at their stomach. How can they do this? Why are they not getting punished for this? We might not see them receive justice. It might not happen for years, but it will happen. One day, their acts will have them on the front page of the newspaper. They will be exposed and dragged down by their own acts.

I personally was frustrated with a man in our town who everyone thought was a saint. They all loved him. What they did not know was that he had a violent temper and had almost killed his ex-wife and son many times before. He portrayed his son as a dangerous man and was always doing things wrong. The truth was that the man would set his son up to be arrested or to do something in front of someone that could be misinterpreted. He was a man who began rumors and wanted to bring anyone down who might expose him. I was getting very angry that he was so well esteemed in his church and even praised for his Christian acts. I wanted to scream out the truth so that they all knew the truth about him. A friend of mine reassured me with scripture about how the truth will always be revealed. It might not be in my time, but it will happen. I have to be assured of that and accept God’s timing as perfect. I want it to happen now, but now might be disastrous for others. It has to be perfect timing.

Those that follow God’s way have a straight path. There are no sudden curves or dips. Deception makes our paths crooked and dangerous. We trip when we do things wrong, not when we do things right. I have to realize that the wicked will be exposed and fall. I do not have to do anything. They will do very well on their own. Plus, God is much more creative than I am.

Can Type A's Be Christian?

2011-07-24T06:05:00.000-05:00

I have discovered that I am surrounded by type A’s. They drive me nuts. They make me want to go postal. How can a Christian be a type A and still be a Christian? With a lot of humility and discipline.

Yes, I have those type A’s in my life. Always have. They have dictated my dress, my hairstyle, my glasses/contacts, how I raise my kids, how I pray, how I keep house, etc. I have discovered that their influence has been extremely unhealthy for me. As I try to pull out from under them, I feel like God is putting more of them in my life and I can’t understand it.

Once I was talking with someone casually. There was no particular point to the conversation except to get to know one another. My defenses came up as comment after comment was made about how they did not let their kids do what we did and how shocked they were that I would like that movie. Every comment began to be critical. Warning bells went off! It was a good thing, too.

Right after that the person decided that I needed to get right with God and proceeded to contact me every day with “advice” on how I needed to do things better. They even began taking over my domestic duties and appearing at the house doing my work and explaining how I really should be doing. At this point the line of being polite and not being a doormat has to be crossed by me. The results are pretty radioactive.

That is where I am REALLY struggling with God. I am to be a reflection of Him. Okay. Bring on the whip of cords! Seriously, what do I do with a type A? Most of you would say that I should sit down with them and explain how their actions are rude, tactless, intruding, pain in the butt, and suicidal. Sorry to break it to you. Type A’s don’t like to be told that they are wrong. Been there! Done that! Still have the scars!

It does not help that I am not that same type. I don’t want to be up in people’s faces. I don’t want the confrontation. Then why is He putting them there? Showing me how not to act? I get it!!!!!!

In truth, the actions of Type A’s severely depress me. It is because of those in my life that I have wished to run away and never see another human being again. They have caused me more hours of crying and hiding from the world. I need to toughen up yes, but all I see is me becoming like them and I would rather stay withdrawn.

I always thought that if you were a Type A that it was hopeless for you. I was told once by a Type A that if that is the way God made you then you have to accept as well as everyone else. That pretty much took all the hope in my life away. Then God introduced me to someone who said otherwise.

There is a woman I know who exhibits many of the Type A personalities except that she nice. J She is not afraid to face someone. She is a take charge person. She can walk into a room and have everyone lined up and working. Being in charge is easy for her. She’ll tell you like it is. She has her opinions. Yet, all is done with God guiding her. In taking charge, she does not do it because she can or wants to. She does it because she has to and God has called her to do it. When she has an opinion, she is not in your face giving it to you as fact. She prays about it and only mentions it when God directs her. I began to realize that any personality can be reined in and used in a Godly manner. Hope was returning.

Yes, this woman does scare the pants off me. And I still love her. Her strong personality makes me cower. Why? Because every other person with a similar type has used me as their doormat and wiped their feet all over me. I’m having to grow a little to accept a Christ-like type A.

Now, that I have a hanging mob after me I will be leaving the country under an assumed name.

God, help me deal with the Type A personalities in my life that are not guided by You. Help me hold up and listen only to You. Show me when to speak up and when to be quiet. Help to find the right place to hide the bodies.

Proverbs 11:4

2011-07-02T12:49:00.000-05:00

Proverbs 11:4 says:

Wealth is worthless in the day of wrath, but righteousness delivers from death.

We work forty hour weeks. Some of us go for fifty or sixty. We have to pay the bills and feed the family. There is nothing wrong in that. There is nothing wrong in having nice things. But why do you want so much excess money in the bank?

God does bless us. Some of us with family, experiences, or money. Maybe we get a little bit of all. If He increases that bank account because you are using it to serve Him, then you fall on the righteous side of this verse. If you want the money because it makes you feel powerful, you have to have the best, or you just want more, then all you have is worthless.

Why is it worthless? In truth when the end of the world comes or we die, whichever comes first, there is no way to take all that wealth. It is usable here on this planet. Off this planet, it is worthless. God will be standing before. What He sees is not how much was in your bank account, how big your portfolio was, how much power you had, how many bedrooms your house had, how many houses you had, what make of car or how many. He will not care that you have a little to charity. All of that is worthless. What does He care about?

He will ask you if you accept Him as Lord and Savior. He will ask if you accepted His presence and message He gave in the form of Jesus. He will ask if you humbled yourself to the Spirit. He will ask what you did with all that He gave you. That is all. Only the right answers to these questions will save you from eternal anguish. So what if you had millions? So what if you gave five million to charity? So what if you built huge buildings? So what? They all decay. They are nothing. He is forever. He is eternal. Do you want the pleasure of the moment or the peace of eternity?

May the only wealth you have be the wealth that He gives you in the form He deems correct. May you receive it with humility and a heart of servitude.

Proverbs 11:3

2011-05-16T15:14:00.001-05:00

Proverbs 11:3 says:

The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.

Every day we are faced with decisions that force us to make a decision. We can be honest and forthright about something or we keep our mouths quiet or outright lie. One decision will in the end make us stronger while the other decision will completely destroy us. Seems straight forward right? Then why do even the most upright seem to choose the wrong decision? Because it is easier.

The easiest path is not always the right one. In fact, it could be the deadliest. Let me give you a personal example.

I was on unemployment. I was also doing some writing jobs here and there that brought anywhere from $20 to $100 a week. Now, since it was all self-employment income, it was not being reported to the state for taxes yet. I could have kept my mouth shut and continued on. Instead, I checked the box that asks if I am unemployed. The result? My unemployment held for four weeks as they investigated my work and if it meant a loss of benefits. Those four weeks were painful as we didn’t anticipate the sudden loss of income. If we had not said anything, I would have kept on collecting. What could have happened if I didn’t report it? They would have found out and stopped payment for up to four months (as they did on someone I know who did this) as they investigated. Ouch! I reported it and suffered for four weeks. My reward? Those that knew about respected us more for it. We were an example to them.

When integrity is followed, it is not a bed of roses. Oh,no! It can be painful. It hurts when we admit that we were speeding to the officer. It hurts because there are consequences. Yet, it is worth it. Keeping quiet or lying to save our skin or get away with something might sound harmless at first or just plain easier. In the end, it will hurt us. We will face larger penalties. We could face legal problems. We could lose our jobs. We could find ourselves in a much bigger embarrassing position than if we had just admitted it in the beginning.

You have heard “Oh, what a tangled web we weave.” When we let a lie come forth, we have to create another lie to cover that one. Then another and another. The web we weave is what usually catches us and pins us down. It would have been much easier to confess in the beginning. You lose face, integrity, trust, and even friends.

A man was having an affair with a friend. When asked by another friend who had seen some suspicious activity, the man denied it. Over and over he denied it. Months went by until he was caught red-handed. His response was that it was nobody’s business and that he couldn’t understand why everyone was upset with him. He had lied. Why not confess to his failings in the beginning? Now, his friends were faced not only with his affair but also with a loss of trust. How could they believe him after all those elaborate lies and nasty things said to cover his rear? They couldn’t. Integrity is easy to lose and almost impossible to regain.

When you are faced with the decision to choose the easy way out or to face a little humiliation right now? Which will you choose? A little pain now is much better than excruciating pain later.

Proverbs 11:2

2011-05-09T16:35:00.002-05:00

Proverbs 11:2 says:

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.

Oh, how the prideful can fall! I was just in a conversation with someone about politicians and other people in the spotlight that always get caught in affairs. Did they really expect not to get caught? Yes, they thought that they were so smart that they could have an affair or even hundreds of them and no one would ever know. They were that good. How hard they fell!

Never assume that you have it all figured out. Never think that you are smarter than someone else. Never believe that you are the best. You will find disappoint in the fact that you are none of these. Pride brings disgrace.

For those of us who are not having affairs, do not think that you are exempt from this. Pride comes in more forms than you can count. It comes in everyday actions.

Are you the one who insists on driving and cannot take any comments on their driving? When you go off onto the shoulder, do you bite the other person’s head off when they mention it? Are you the perfect driver? Disgrace could come in the form of a ticket or the death of your passenger.

When pride runs our lives, we fall hard. These lessons are learned the hard way. We learn them by losing things, position, and even loved ones. Is pride really worth it?

When you exhibit humility, you exercise wisdom. Humility means that you are not the only one who knows thing. Humility means that you might make a mistake behind the wheel. Humility means that you can accept correction because you know you might need it. Humility means that you are teachable and moldable.

Do you want to be a wise person or a disgraced person? We all answer “wise”. Our actions say “disgraced”. If you think about it, you cannot argue this fact.

We act as though we know it all. We act as though we do not make mistakes. We think we know it all. We obviously think too much.

What we need to be doing is stopping and taking a closer look at our actions and words. Where does humility fit in? Does our pride push humility to the side and prevent us from growing? You cannot be the “perfect” person until you stop thinking that you are.

Proverbs 11:1

2011-05-05T19:29:00.002-05:00

Proverbs 11:1 says:

The LORD detests dishonest scales, but accurate weights find favor with him.

This verse is typically interpreted regarding economics and money. Yet, dishonest scales can be found is so many other areas of our lives. God doesn’t like it. Our scales can be so dishonest. The scales of judgment can change from person to person.

How many times do you judge someone for an act and then excuse someone else because of “extenuating” circumstances or because they were a friend or family member? It happens all the time. Let me give you a scenario that might be familiar to you.

Trish is a woman whose life is not where it should be. She comes to church. She is involved and professes her love for God. The problem is that she does not see where her personal life should be held accountable. She runs through men like normal people run through socks. Every few months she is shacking up with someone new. Her fellow Christians call her on it and explain how wrong it is. They try with love to get her to see how destructive these actions for her relationship with God. Eventually, when she tries to get into leadership they have to be firm with her on her lifestyle.

Susan has been single for a long time. She has found someone who she has fallen in love with. They both go to the same church and are highly active as leaders. The man lost his apartment and could not find anyone who could take him in for a few days. Susan let him sleep on her couch for those days. Though they still say that their relationship is physically pure, they are talking moving in together. Most people are looking the other way because of their dedication to the church and that he sleeps on the couch.

How are these scales being dishonest in regard to Trish and Susan? According to the book of Titus, all leaders are to be above reproach and blameless. This does not mean that they have to be perfect. They have to be conscious of every action they take even more so than if they were not leaders. They are in the spotlight and every little sin is amplified. Susan and her new boyfriend are in that spotlight. Turning a blind eye to their actions is wrong and hypocritical of the church. To those in the community, shacking up is shacking up. Who really knows what is going on behind closed the doors? Why put temptation there every moment of every day for the devil to have fun with? Not addressing Susan the same way is tampering with those scales.

We have dishonest scales all the time in dealing with people. How is that biblical? Following God means being honest in all dealings.

Rudeness Wins Over Politeness

2011-04-23T14:54:00.000-05:00

I am discovering more and more that rudeness is becoming an accepted part of our culture and at times even encouraged. So sad that we have taken such a sad turn. Where it leads is only destruction.

Recently, I was at a store shopping. As I was looking on the shelves for the right product, a woman stepped between me and the shelves and gave me a glare. There was no “Excuse me” or anything like that. She was angry that I was in her way.

In a parking lot, a man drove his car across three rows of parking spaces. Not down the correct way a care should go, but literally across the spaces. We stopped before hitting him. His response was cussing at us and giving us the finger. He was in the wrong and was mad at us.

Invited some people over for dinner. They quickly informed us that they would bring their own meat. Upon arriving, they questioned how we prepared every dish. They did not have any religious restrictions to explain this or even health issues. They said that they wanted to make sure that the meal had been prepared safely. Alright.

I went on a retreat and stayed at a local hotel. Life had been stressful and a break was much needed. The phone rang. It was a woman in our church who was calling. I could tell by her voice that she was wanting me to invite her over. Her intent was to help me get my walk with God back on track. I was offended and did not invite her over. What I did not know was that she was down in the lobby and was stopped by the front desk who informed her that only my husband was allowed up. To me that was rude.

My son plays many basketball tournaments. There are multiple games going on in the same fieldhouse. Many people are moving around the gym and going in and out. What amazes me is the rudeness that many of these people exhibit. They cross in front of the bleachers to block the view of the spectators just as the play moves to that end of the court. They will even stop and stand there watching the same play. Excuse me, we are watching, too. I always make my children stop before crossing in front of the bleachers until the play has ended. I was amazed when two young boys were very polite about it and refused to interfere with the view until the play was over. I even thanked them. Such actions are so rare.

Holding a door for the person behind you has become rare. Saying thank you does not occur often. Being polite is becoming a thing of the past. What does that say about us?

When society begins to crumble and rudeness becomes the norm, this shows a lack of civility and a path toward barbarianism. We call ourselves civilized cultures yet we act like animals. We have trouble pushing people out of the way to get what we want.

It is so sad to see mankind come to this when it is easier to be rude than to say a simple “Excuse me.”

Finding Much Needed Peace

2011-01-20T18:28:00.000-06:00

What have I discovered in the last few days? That we all need to get away and rejuvenate our bodies, minds, and souls. Without this, we fall prey to the wolf that prowls outside our door.

This week my husband arranged a week for me to get away from everybody and everything. Well, not total escape, but enough so that I could pull myself back together. It has been great. It is something that we all need to do yet never seem to be able to.

We have our jobs, our families, our friends, and so on. Where is the time for sanity? It has to be made.

You don’t have to take a whole week each time. That is unrealistic. A few hours here and there is completely within reach. It might not seem like it, but it is there.

I needed this time. I was about to go over the edge. There is enough stress in life without closing up all the relief points. Here is what my daily life is like.

Try to get up to help hubby get the kids off to school. Hard to wake up when you have been up all night because your brain won’t stop. Get up and check emails. Respond to emails and check any correspondence from school. Next, look at to-do list.

Read my textbook. Write first draft of a 350 word essay. Begin research on seven page research paper. Write 2 articles for client. Answer the twenty phone calls that arrive. Five knocks at the door. Take the dogs out during the day. School is out. Five children arrive. Get everyone snacks and onto their homework. Realize that I have done no housework. Two children go home. Three children remain and try to kill each other. My nerves begin to fray. Behind on school work, behind on money making work, constant stream of people, children bickering incessantly over extremely stupid things, house is disaster. All of this makes me want to check into a mental hospital.

How can someone keep their wits about them when there is no place to gather them? There has to be a place to escape. It could be a little space in the attic or basement. It might be in a gazebo. It could be at a park. It might need to be at a hotel.

When I get this time away for even just a few hours, I feel the Medusa figure fading into the background and peace reclaim my soul. Instead wanting to tie the children up, I begin to be strong enough to handle the spats. I can take on the world instead of wanting to be swallowed up by it.

I need to make this time away a bigger part of my schedule. Though I am working during this “vacation”, I am relaxing. I can watch a TV show without interruption. I can take a bath without a knock on the door. I can become human again.

Sanity Get Away

2011-01-01T16:39:00.000-06:00

I have discovered quite a bit in the last few weeks. One of them is the need to get away. For sanities sake, we have to get away. When we don’t, we are opening ourselves up to nervous breakdown that can destroy us and our families.

In my family, I am hardpressed to find peace. We live in a small duplex that is comfortable and nice. The only drawback is that there is nowhere to go when I have to read something, listen to a video, or just to gather my thoughts. Though the kids are gone during the day, my husband works from home. 75% of the time his work comes to our house. I am then regulated to the bedroom in the midst of his meetings. To a degree I feel like a prisoner.

I was going to take my work and study area to the basement. Winter is setting in, and the dogs do not like to go outside in the ice and snow. They have found that they can do their business in the basement on newspaper. I cannot handle the smell. So where do I go? Where do I find a place of my own? I don’t know.

This week, my husband put me up at a hotel so I could get some peace. I’m woefully behind in my school work. I’ve got work to do that brings in money. I want to just watch a television show without constant chatter. I want to read a book without constant interruption. I want to mentally run away.

I grew up as an only child. I had three older siblings, but they were 20, 18, and 15 years older than me. I don’t know what it is like to have siblings. They were more like distant aunts and uncle to me. To this day, what do I have in common with them? I’m still the pain in the butt baby. I was used to having quiet and solitude. Dad was gone from Monday through Friday travelling with his job. It was just me and mom in a three bedroom home that had a living and a den. I could find a place to get away anywhere.

Going off to college, there were still ways to find peace and quiet. Getting married right out of college, it was still just me and my husband. We had a two bedroom apartment. I could still get away and find quiet. Even after the first child was born, I was fine. It was when there were three of them in two and three bedroom apartments and they were considerably older. Now, my sanity goes out the window.

I now have a 14 year old whose mouth never stops. I have a 12 year old son who wants to fight with both sisters all the time. I have an 8 year old daughter who is an extreme busybody and starts most fights. I have an ADD husband who cannot sit still. I sit there wanting to disappear. In our house there is never a moment of quiet. Thus, my road to mental derangement.

I am not like my family at all. Yet, I cannot be me. Right now, my husband is just understanding this and is trying to help me find a way to not be committed to an asylum.

I am discovering that maybe I am mental. :)

Being Alone

2010-12-15T19:02:00.000-06:00

I discovered over the last few months that I am very alone in this world. Yes, I have friends to go to movies with and have dinner with. What I cannot find is a friend to share my thoughts and my dreams.

I love to write. I have several writing projects that I am working on. There are times that I want to bounce an idea off of someone. Once in awhile, I can get my husband to slow down and read something and comment. Other than that, there is no one else. I have tried talking about it with others who let me know real quick that they have no interest on the subject I am writing about.
I am in school going after my history degree. There are times when I really want to discuss what I am studying. Aside from my husband who majored in history, there is no one that will just talk to me about it. I have to fill that void in the virtual world.

The result of all this? I am more in the virtual world than the real world because that is the only place I can find fulfillment. That should not be.

If I died today, would anybody know the real me? Who knows the various places I write for? Who knows all my contacts on the internet and where I love to spend my time? There is not one soul.

I have discovered that I have no one to sit down and really be myself with. I cannot discuss my deepest desires and goals. No one shares them. No one understands them.

Who is the real me? A woman who would love to have deep conversations and to learn. A woman who wants to teach others new concepts and ways to view events and readings. A woman who wants to make a mark in this world that is not dictated by the whims and controlling aspects of others. A woman who wants for the first time in her life to feel wanted and worth something.

When I tell someone I am going back to school for a history degree, they always ask what do you want to do with it? When I say that I want to write and teach, they change the subject and go on. I want to talk about my latest class, but with whom?

Realizing that I am alone was extremely depressing. What if I had to go somewhere for a few days? Where would I go? Nowhere. There is nowhere to go. There is no one to turn to when I need a shoulder. There is no one to be just a friend. I am trying to come to grips with it, but it is hard. It is very hard.

The Loss of Faith

2010-11-15T11:51:00.000-06:00

I was shocked to see that I was losing my faith in man, in God, in myself. So much had happened that it was painful. What got me the most was the fact that it just kept coming. Why was God letting me used for target practice? Why were the ones shooting the arrows Christians?

Not all my problems were from fellow Christians. There was plenty from those that were just nasty and denied God. It was the ones from Christians that shocked and hurt me.

I guess it started after we had a severe run of hard luck. We were helping a friend who had some trouble with the law in the past, but was turning his life around. The law was trying to prevent him from doing it which was irritating enough. But it was when his own flesh and blood turned against him time and again that was too much for me. His own father wanted him in jail. He kept ranting how he had not paid enough for his crimes. I lost it. Here was a supposedly Christian man who had been shown mercy by God refusing to extend it to the one who carried his blood. I more than lost it.

For the first time in my life, I let every four letter word and more out of my mouth. I was furious. This man was unforgiving to a repentant son. He was a gossip and slanderer. We would hear where he was saying nasty things about us because we were helping his son. How could a Christian act like that? What made me even madder was that everyone in his church thought him a saint. He was telling everyone how he was doing so much for an ungrateful son, etc. I wanted to throw up. Then another blow came about.
A Christian friend was wanting to work for me. It seemed the perfect set up. I gave her some assignments and the deadlines they were needed. Two hours before I was to turn the projects in to the client, she called to say that she would not have them done in time. A week had gone by and she just now called and told me this? I negotiated with the client and got an extension. She promised me that they would be done the next day. The next day comes around and she still does not have them done. Other things came up. I gave her one more chance. She did the same thing. Telling me that she was 75% done, I asked that she send the files back to me and I would finish as I was about to lose this client. She had only done 10%. How could she do this? I am a firm believer in “let your yes be yes and your no be no.” As Christians, we are to keep our word and not flippantly make promises. She almost cost me the money that paid my bills. Promises made and never kept.

As all this was going on, we were under direct attack. People would comment to our friends or to my husband that they heard bad things about us. We were moving. We were divorcing. We each had an affair. There were so many others. All of them coming from Christians and other churches. Was this how Jesus felt as he stared at the hypocritical Pharisees?

I kept being told that I have to forgive. I was to ignore it and go on. NO! Why should I ignore it? Jesus didn’t. Paul didn’t. James didn’t. I was sick of watching pastors, churches, and Christians brush severe issues under the rug because we are to keep the peace and always forgive. I think they have a twisted sense of forgiveness.

If there was a sin that was the yeast destroying the church, it was addressed head on. Any dissension was pointed out by Paul. There was no way it was to be tolerated. Yet, it is tolerated and accepted in churches today.

Gossip is actually encouraged in churches. If we do not actively put our foot down on it, we are condoning it. Slander is accepted. The harshness of the tongue is just a part of life. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that, yet that is how the church is today.

What happens when Ann talks about what Joe said at Beth’s funeral about the will and who was getting what? Nothing except every ear leans in.

What happens when Carl talks about Mike and Sue’s past? Nothing except others chime in.
Why do people pull away from church? Because when they walk into the door they might be stepping into the pit of vipers.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Not all churches are like this, but the majority are. I’ve lost my faith in the church because the church is just like it was when Jesus was on the earth. It has become self-absorbed, destructive, and blind. There are so many hurting, yet the church tosses money and walks away. When someone is hurting, they turn away.

The nail in the coffin came when I needed help as my faith was sliding away. Every Christian I knew turned their backs on me and criticized me for my lack of faith and judgmental attitude. I needed a shoulder to cry on and someone to pray for me and I got nothing.

Where am I now? Still angry at those people. Still avoiding church because it makes me sick to my stomach. Trying to find God again. Still have no one to talk to. Wishing I could find Jesus in another person.

2010-10-24T02:47:00.001-05:00

I have been a little MIA lately, and for that I apologize. The last few months have been some of the darkest of my life. I just completely dropped the majority of my online activity during that time including this site. My self-confidence, self-esteem, and even my faith were torn apart. I had never felt so empty and alone.

In truth, it began back in February. A few of posts show that I was depressed. Much changed in my life. I came out of that small trip through the desert and immediately returned a few months later. What happened? I realized that I was completely alone.

My husband is ADD which means that he is here, there, and everywhere at every moment of the day. It is hard enough getting his attention and keeping it without others distracting him. With that said, he has a job that keeps him hopping. There is no set time when someone has an emergency and needs him. The problem arose when it became 24/7. If he wanted to have dinner with his wife for the first time in three months, people actually got angry that he was not available to them at that minute. Around the same time, I was informed my two people that being a minister, he had to put family behind everything else. If that was the case, then I did not want this life anymore. I married a man who was to love, honor, and cherish. I now had a stranger that kept pushing me back and back into the closet. How was that biblical? It is not. Even the Bible says that if a man cannot run his family, then he cannot run the work for God with success.

Surprisingly, this was not what sent me into the abyss. It was a friend. I turned to one of the few friends I have here and tried to get my feelings out in a safe place. When I finished, the knife entered my chest. I was told that I was wrong to expect him to ignore others for me. I was wrong to want to have any part of him to myself. I was the one hurting the marriage. From their viewpoint, I was the one doing nothing and causing the problems. In the same breath, they said that they could not be at church anymore because having so many activities was pulling her from her family. My heart ripped apart. Where was the hope in any of that?

That day I walked away. I walked away from people. I quit going to most activities. I hated being around everyone and pretending to put a smile on my face. I even suggested divorce. I could not stay this way or I would just die.

Then blows came even harder. The first was from a “Christian” man who began to slander us and treat his son in a nasty and downright evil way. He criticized our Christian walk despite his actions. Within a week, I had begun working with a Christian woman on some freelance work. She bailed on me and left me hanging on three assignments. I almost lost all my freelance income because I trusted her word. Instead, I was left alone again. This is how Christians should act?

I had had enough. Everywhere I turned, I was met with hostility, lies, and condemnation and that was only from the ones that go to church. I gave up on church. I tried going a couple of times, and I actually threw up from the disgust I felt from watching people smile and talk to each other and then backstab and be nasty about those same people during the week. I realized why Jesus was so hard on the Pharisees and called them a brood of vipers and white-washed walls. That is what church at become to me. In my darkest hour, not one person sought to help me. Not one person answered my plea for help. I was told to deal with it or I was ignored completely.

I got to thinking. Who do I have to talk to? Who do I have to confide in? Not one blessed soul! No one. I could go to this person, but they would criticize me instead of listen. This other person would let me know that I was wrong in my feelings. Another would run and tell everybody in town about it. There was no one.

Do you know what it is like to realize that you are completely alone in this world? That if you died today and someone asked people questions about your life, that they would very little to tell? I sat back and realized that no one person on this planet knows me. They have no desire to know me. They think they do, but they are so far off the mark. Not one person asks how my writing is going or comments on the pieces. (I have to correct that a little. My mother-in-law periodically shoots me an email about how well a piece was which warms my heart.) No one asks me about school. No one is interested in my thoughts, actions, or feelings. The things I enjoy the most and are passions in my life, no one shares with me. I get more responses from the virtual world than I do from those that should love me the most.

Divorce was suggested. I told my husband that I could not live knowing that I was nothing to him. I could not go on. Everybody wanted him, they could have him. I would find some place to live since there was no one to go to. It got his attention. He realized that he was going off and leaving me at every step. I was a thousand miles from my family and had not one close friend in town. The depression was deep because there was no outlet. There was no support. I had felt that God had abandoned me.

My husband came back to me. I think we are more in love than ever. He stops and gives me a kiss for no reason. That one act can make my day. Now, if we are having the first alone time that day, he will let the person leave a message. He lets me know that he loves me. Now, I have very little resentment in him going off to work because I know he cares about me and I am important.

I still ache inside. I had to vent the other day about some minor frustration. One person thinks they own my husband and he should respond at the snap of the fingers. I griped that it was the first day we had to do some chores around the house and this person had pulled my husband away for several hours. I was informed that it was his job and he needs to do it…… The fact that I was alone was drilled once more into me. I sunk into a little bit of a depression over it, but my husband turned off the phone that evening and devoted that time to the family. I have him. I cannot vent to him about him, but I do have him to love me.

When You Can Smile With a Teenager

2010-07-10T15:11:00.000-05:00

I'm experiencing my first journey into parenting a teenager. I have to be honest, I hate it. The challenge of authority, the mouth, the attitude, all of it drives my absolutely bonkers. I want a law passed that at the age of 12 the children are shipped off to boarding school until they are 25 or 30 which they start to show signs of maturity. And then my daughter makes me feel so wrapped up in love.

She spent two weeks with her grandmother and went here and there with her cousins and aunts. There were shopping trips, art museum, eating out, and entertainment. Coming home was going to be a bore. But while she was gone, the family began to change themselves to get a better attitude and be more fun starting with me and my husband. We began to fall in love again. When she came back, she began to go right back into the attitude until after a few days she noticed the change around her. She couldn't remain surly. We refused to let it take hold of any of us.

Today, I went to a local coffee shop to get more work and have a change of atmosphere. While I was there, my daughter texted me on my phone that she loved me. My teenage daughter said she loved me unsolicited. What had happened!?! I couldn't help but smile real big as tears filled my eyes. There was the same sweet girl I used to cuddle. There was the young woman trying to bloom into her own.

I love my daughter. I could strangle her sometimes, but I love her so much. I cannot wait till the day that I am not Mom, but a close friend who is there for her as she becomes a Mom.

Love you, Catherine. You're my number one.

A Whole New Me

2010-06-28T07:22:00.000-05:00

I've been in the desert if you haven't noticed. Really began to question myself spiritually. Feeling totally abandoned. Shoot, I was downright angry. Then the kid gloves came off, and He got my attention.

I was watching John Bevere's, The Bait of Satan. I had seen this portion of the video months before and it was under different circumstances, so I had applied it to those. Now, John's words screamed at me. Actually, it was the voice of God through this man.

He was discussing what really happens when we worry and do not have faith in God. We are in truth telling God that He is incompetent and that we could do better. We are saying that He doesn't have the power to fix anything.

He then continued with a funny section that though funny was the kicker. He enacted a scene of what heaven must be like if God really is the way we create Him to be when things don't go right.

God says, "Jesus, oh no! What are we going to do? Adam lost his job. Are there any others? Did we see that coming? What are we going to do? That wasn't foreseen!"

Did God know I would face certain things? Of course. Did He set wringing His hands? No. He knew what was coming and was prepared. Then why do I act like He was not? Why do I doubt what will happen next? Why do I always believe the worst?

I got angry at God because everything was going wrong. I had a dream and a plan. The problem was that it was not His. When that dream was taken away, I fought. I kicked and I screamed. I got downright angry. Time after time, He seemed wrench things from me. Unbeknownest to me, I was trying to direct my life and not let Him. I was arrogant enough to think I knew best. If I knew so well, why was my world crumbling around me?

I always wanted to teach. Every time we set up a study, no one would show up. I'm not kidding. No one would show up. I longed to teach and thought He was directing me down that path, yet every door that was open from a distance closed.

I wanted to go back to school, yet each time I began to step through the open door, it slammed in my face and knocked me on my rear.

I wanted to learn and grow, yet everyone blocked that. Most of the women I knew didn't want to talk about deep spiritual issues. They wanted to gossip. I tried to join the men, yet I was the lowly woman and too many was pushed aside.

So my only purpose in life was to go to various jobs that I deep down hated and line someone else's pockets? I was to have no dreams at all? I was to cease to really exist?

I began to find an outlet and a purpose in my writing. People seemed to enjoy it. I was actually beginning to feel alive. Then, I found myself in the middle of the Sahara.

My husband got an online college teaching job. I was so happy, yet I hated him. Here, I longed to teach. I had worked long hours so he could go to school and get various degrees. Here he was living my dream. How could God be so cruel to me?

I came out of it eventually, until my husband and my children wanted no more homeschooling. The final blow. My alive and beating heart was totally wrenched out of my chest and laid on the altar as my soul shriveled up and died. I couldn't even teach my kids. I was rejected at every turn. I could do nothing right. Was there really a God if He would do this to me?

I wished to die at that point. I wanted to scream and howl at the top of my lungs. I was dead. I could not pray. I truly began to believe that God was nowhere. He had left me and had used me.

Slowly, through the aid of a few friends who unknowingly helped guide me through the darkened hallway of life, I began to see beyond all those closed doors and discovered one that had once been nailed shut opening ever so slowly.

There was a plan. Just because things did not happen the way I wanted on my table did not mean that God did not exist or that He was playing a cruel trick on me. What arrogance on my part! I thought that I was in control of my life and that my plan was the best. Now, I am God? Can I control the winds and the waves? Can I raise people from the dead? Who did I think I was?

It is not about me. I cannot say it enough. It is not about me. I am not the center of this universe. I am not the center of anything but my own self pity.

Who do I think I am? A few days ago, obviously God. Today? A very humbled servant who cannot beg enough for the forgiveness of a Father who will not hesitate to love and forgive.

Surprises in the Desert

2010-06-27T07:19:00.000-05:00

It's amazing who God puts in your path as you travel through the desert. Manna can come from the strangest places. This time I found manna from old high school friends.

My desert journey came out in my Facebook postings. I was so down that I had to express myself somehow. In reality I wanted to stand on the rooftop and scream out my frustration, but that would bring the cops. So I posted it there instead.

Several people came forward to help, but the two that broke through ironically were two guys I used to date. They caught the not so obvious fact that I was in a deep dark place. Before I knew it, a chat box popped up and one of them asked what was going on. We began talking about high school and were laughing. My husband had to check out what was causing this person who was crying only an hour earlier to be laughing so hard. Even he had to get in on the laugh.

The point I'm trying to make here is not about old relationships or anything like that. It is that God will bring His light through unexpected places. For the next couple of days, these guys checked in to see how I was doing. They encouraged me. That with the love of my husband helped me begin to see the promised land from a distance where before I doubted it even existed anymore.

Friendship from even years ago can break through where those closest to you cannot. Why? Because they are from a different time and are not completely in the picture. They have a much different view of things.

I began to slip back in the darkness a few days ago and the same two along with a girl that used to go to school with us, too, jumped on board. I was laughing so hard that I was crying. God uses amazing people to reach us when we tune Him out.

I'm still struggling, but I'm getting a little spunk back. I want to thank all those friends of mine that reached out to me. You mean a lot and I hope God bless you a hundred fold.

Back in the Desert

2010-06-04T16:32:00.000-05:00

I'm back in that stinking desert again. I'm not totally sure what set this one off, but I have been able to see several influences.

My husband and I began to have some strained times. Not that we are on the verge of divorce, but there was no communication going on. Other people knew more about his activities than I did. I got very depressed. No matter how hard I tried, we could never sit down and just talk. The kids would interrupt. He would be engrossed in a show. Someone would call. We would have to be somewhere. This was getting to be too much. I needed my husband back.

Comments by others were getting to me. People in church were complaining about being there all the time. Things were not on the right nights. Too much of this and too little of that. I began to feel that I had failed and was making everyone miserable.

Okay, I have to admit that part of it is hormones. But everyone around me was pulling me and pressing me down all at the same time. I had so many people around me talking out of both sides of their mouths. I had people demanding so much and expecting me to give it right then and there.

I needed to get away from people and regroup. I needed to find a refuge and some peace. I couldn't find it at all. I couldn't pray. I couldn't read my Bible. I was totally empty. I felt that He had abandoned me. Everything was hitting me from every angle. Every good thing came with twenty bad things. I could not take it anymore.

I have to say that this time I am coming out of it faster. I'm not out of it yet, but I'm in view of the promised land. I just have some old baggage to get rid of before crossing the Jordan.

Thank you, God, for you patience and understanding. I don't deserve it.

Seeing the Evil in Others

2010-05-23T00:26:00.000-05:00

I try to give people a chance. But I sour when I see too many "Christians" who put on such righteous acts and then see them act worse than the "heathens". I wonder why God doesn't go ahead and destroy the world again as He sees what His church is doing to it.

Okay, I'm on my religious soap box again, but I'm see so much of it lately, that I'm disgusted. There is a man I know that puts on such airs about how religious He is. He goes on and on about the charity he does and how much he gives in church and what he does for people. He brags on how frugal and good he is with all that God has given him. I gag.

I have seen this man with venom in his eyes. I have heard the hate come out of his mouth. I have seen the maliciousness that he acts upon. I have caught him in his lies. Yet, those in the local church community believe everything he says.

I go between anger and sadness. How can someone claim the blood of Jesus and commit the very acts he does? I guess the same person that was forgiven a debt in one of Jesus' parables and yet refused to forgive a debt he was owed. I watch this man go on and on how people need to pay for their actions while he never has.

I am watching an old movie as I write this. It is about some of the fanatics in England centuries ago when everyone began pointing fingers at "witches" and "heretics". In reality they were masking their own evil as they murdered, raped, and lied. This man I know reminds me so much of them.

I'm not trying to be mean, but when he lies he does murder a person's reputation. This led me into a preaching session about how we are not held up to the standard we are supposed to be anymore. In the Old Testament the Lord demanded that a plum line be laid down and Israel compared to it. They usually did not measure up due to their sinning.

What if we were put up against a plum line? Would we measure up? Looking at those around me, I would have to say no. We would horribly fall short. We tend to refuse those with a past to be a part of our fellowship. We gossip incessantly. We will tell lies to protect ourselves. We will turn a blind eye to injustice if it will protect us. We rarely hold to the true teachings.

Where is our self-control? Where is our gentleness? Where is our love? Where is our patience? Where are the fruits of the Spirit? We dismiss our shortcomings and point our fingers at everyone else's.

I guess you could say that this is a plea to today's church to please stop trying to "feel good" and get right with God. Are we satisfied with being like Ananias and Sapphira? Are we content to be whitewashed like the Pharisees? Are we stiff-necked? Are we the brood of vipers? What would we see if we looked in the mirror of God?

We've All Got a Story To Tell

2010-05-16T20:46:00.000-05:00

I remember as a child listening to adults give their testimonies and stories that were inspiring and meant to reach out to me and teach me a lesson. I always felt guilty because I did not have one. But I grew up and learned that every person who walks this earth has a story to tell.

I can tell you a story of times when logically things should have gone one way and instead went another. If everything had gone the logical way, I might not be here today. Everyone has a story to tell.

Today is one about a young boy that I absolutely despised because he was as mean as they get. For years I endured his evilness each week at church. He would walk by and jab a pencil in my arm just for spite. No one liked him. They were polite because his mother was so sweet and his father was high up in the political circles.

It was the summer before our freshmen year at high school and I learned the most horrific thing imaginable. We would be going to the same school for high school. It was bad enough in middle school, but high school? I knew then that God had it in for me. In reality, God was preparing a very bitter pill for me to take that would change me forever.

He was his usual pain in the rear-end self. One day my mom told me that his mother had passed away. She had been battling cancer for a long time. I was sad for the whole family. Then she told me that I needed to send a sympathy card. Okay. I'll send one to his dad. Nope. I was to send one to him. Boy, did we have a fight. I was not going to send a card to that evil boy. In the end, I did what I was forced to do.

He was out of school a few days naturally. On the day he returned, I was sitting in my usual spot on the front steps reading or doing some homework. He pulled up in his father's car. His dad waved at me. I waved back and didn't think much of it until the boy began to walk very purposefully toward me.

He sat down. I didn't know what to say. I was just waiting on something negative to come out of his mouth. He was quite for a long time.

"We got thousands of cards," he said. "But only four were addressed to me." He looked me right in the eye and for the first time smiled at me. "Thank you."

From that day on we became friends. He was still a jerk a lot of the time, but I let him know that he was wrong. We became study partners in biology and world history. He let me use his laptop which were extremely new at the time. We stayed good friends all through high school.

I don't know where he is now, but I think of him differently than I did when I was younger. I learned that his meanness was because he did not know how to act seeing his own mother die before his very eyes. He watched cancer eat at her and destroy her. He lashed out the only way he knew.

I learned not to judge people too harshly until you get to know them. We are complex creatures and cannot be made into a two dimensional black and white entity. We are unique and wonderfully made. We just need to dig deeper to see that in some people.

People Change

2010-05-09T10:45:00.000-05:00

I was under the foolish assumption that people never change. I knew that wasn't true, but I really didn't accept it. I didn't realize that until I got in touch with old friends and acquaintances. That is when I truly understood that people change.

In my mind the last memory I had of a person was the true picture. I had forgotten that like all teenagers and young foolish adults we all have to grow up and learn. Here are a few examples.

One girl that I went to school with used to make snide comments about me always going to church. As we went through middle school and high school she was not directly mean to me, but was never really friendly. I discovered her on facebook and I've been watching her posts. She is a Christian and attends church regularly. It is not uncommon for her to post an encouraging word to me. I was hesitant about accepting her facebook friend request. My thoughts were only of the hurt from her attitude. I'm glad I did. She has been so sweet. My memories of old are fading.

That is the way it is with many of the people from my past. Others have grown up just like I have. They have changed. So have I. Their immature actions have hopefully disappeared. They are adults in their forties.

I've learned to not judge people on their past. It is just the past and the present is a whole new chapter.

Still Growing Up

2010-05-01T10:01:00.000-05:00

I'm finding that I'm still growing up. I have so much to learn. I'm learning about myself, my family, and the others in my life. I'm finding that I'm just beginning to discover my dreams.

Growing up in lower Alabama I decided to become an accountant. Why? Because I could do the work and it was good money. Nowhere did my dreams or desires come into play. From an early age I loved history and learning. It wasn't until I was put into a position of teaching a Bible study did I fully discover my love to teach.

I felt so fulfilled when I was communicating truths to others and getting them to engage in lively discussion. Yet, I was still in a job that was dragging me down with all the stress that came with it. I eventually changed jobs but stayed in accounting. It only got better for a spell. I wanted to just teach yet I had to make money for the family. I continued in the job I had.

Depression set in as I desired to teach full-time and was stuck helping other people line their pockets. This was real frustrating. When we moved to northern Wisconsin I still kept my job and just traveled a lot. It got worse.

I eventually began working part time for a friend who unknowingly got me to writing. I found another passion deep within me that was never tapped in school. Through my writing I could teach. I could communicate to others and have fun doing it. I began to throw myself into my writing. Yet the desire to teach continued.

It wasn't long before the need to homeschool my children arose. I found so much fun in teaching them though my teaching is much better for adults. I lost my job due to the economy. Everywhere I looked accounting was forcing itself in my face. I wanted to cry. Yes, I could do it and do it well, but I hated it.

I had a dream and it seemed that the world was out to destroy it. I am by nature a shy person. Most people are able to walk all over me which is one of the reasons I am struggling with co-dependency. So, when it comes to following dreams I have to fight for them. I fight with myself, family, and the world to be able to see even a glimmer of my dreams. Why? Because the save road is to stay in accounting.

There are plenty of jobs in accounting. Writing is a gamble. It is like being a movie star or rock star. It is not a "sensible" way to earn a living. That usually comes from people who never got to achieve their own dreams either.

I am not guaranteed tomorrow. Today maybe my last day on earth. What good does it benefit me to let my dreams be directed by others? If I try writing and fail what did I lose? Nothing. In failing I gain a lot. I gain a little freedom in doing something on my own. I gain a few moments of following my dream. If I am successful, I gain self-confidence and of course my dream.

I'm learning that I can stand on my own two feet and make my own decisions. I do not have to follow the safe route just because others direct me to. God does not give us dreams only to deny them to us. He just asks that we do it in His time.

I want to write. I will stay up all night long to get it done. I want to go back to school. I am realistic enough to know that it won't happen this year, but next year there is a chance. I want to teach. I am going to look for every available opportunity and I'm going to teach.

The world is not going to force me into a mold and tie me down. Those around me are not going to keep me in their depression and sense of failure. I am me! I am not them! I am a child of God called to a duty and I will follow! My dreams are given to me by God and He will make a way. I need to be willing to go through the door. Lord, here am I. Send me!

Finding Out About Yourself

2010-04-18T12:46:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been really learning more about myself. Some of it not too pretty. Some of it exciting. I'm learning that I take friendship very seriously. I get hurt very easily when friends abandon me. A friend should be a friend at all times and not just when it is sunny.

I had someone that I would easily describe as the closest person ever in my life. She knew things about me that no one else did. I thought that we were soul sisters. Until she decided that her old way of living was better and turned viciously on me. She accused me of judging her and thinking bad things of her. Nothing I said penetrated her wall. She was shoving me out of her life. The pain I felt was horrible. My heart was being ripped into. It took me a year to get over the pain. To be accused falsely of things by someone so close is extremely hurtful. You don't just shrug it off. I swore that no one would ever get that close to me again. But God generally has different plans.

I have a friend that I would describe as even closer. I know that I can tell her things in confidence. She is so warm and caring. I've learned that friendship is a risk as well as a blessing. But is something that both sides want, too. I have a friend now that God has placed in my life to help me through tough times. He has given me a blessing.

Learning about yourself can only happen through experiences. When we go through them, the way we respond reflects our hearts. I responded with hurt because it was something very important to me. I didn't think that friendship was that vital as so many friends had come and gone over the years. This was the one time I really brought someone in close and I got hurt. But I can accept that. I know more me. Therefore, I've learned a lot more about friendships.

He Made Her Laugh

2010-03-27T20:26:00.000-05:00

I was just sitting on my bed a few minutes ago looking over a couple of websites. My son and youngest daughter were playing video games. They began as usual arguing. I began to reprimand them and then remembered what a friend of mine said about raising her own kids. As long as they were fighting, they were learning to interact and would in the end be closer for it. I bit my tongue and prayed she was right. It wasn't like they were knocking out teeth or something so drastic. They were just bickering.

I tried to hide myself in the virtual world as it continued. No telling how bad it would be if their older sister was there. Then out of the clear blue, the bickering stopped. Victoria was giggling to the point that I thought she would wet her pants. Gasping, she told her brother, "You make me laugh." They both broke into a fit of giggles.

In an effort to have my children be just like me as I grew up and for me to handle things exactly like my mother, I was not allowing them to be themselves or me to be me. Life has its conflicts. How else are they going to learn to solve them? They have to work it out themselves. I don't want to be the meddlesome mother who has to dictate every aspect of their life. I want them to be strong confident adults and unknowingly I was holding them back from doing just that.

We all need to step back and re-evaluate how we handle things. We need to see if we are too blinded by the forest to see the individual young saplings trying to reach the sky. How blind could we be in our own lives!

I'm thankful God has placed people in my life who are not controlling or bossy, but help pass on words of wisdom just by the actions in their own lives. Thank you, Kathy.

The Stubbornness Around Us and In Us

2010-03-14T11:17:00.000-05:00

I have someone I know that is one of the most stubborn people I have ever met and I have met many a stubborn person! This one girl has got to top them off.

She has put herself into a situation that is not morally right. Her response to it all is to justify it from every angle. When her reasoning is swept away, she gets accusatory and claims that everyone is judging her. Though we are not judging and are trying to show her the huge mess she is placing herself in, the point I want to focus on today is her stubborn streak.

No matter what is shown to her, no matter who talks to her who have been there and done that, no matter how bad it gets, she wants it all her way. She wants approval from everyone. She wants it all.

Are we always like that? Yes, I said "we". How many times do we demand our way? You might not be vocal about it, but you still do it. We want God to follow our plan instead of us following His.

As I was ministering to this young girl, I felt God telling me that though I was telling her correctly, I needed to also bring some of it home. I needed to be more focused on Him too, and let Him guide me.

When we minister to others, are we listening to the words, too? Are we following the same advice? Something we can all look deeper into.

Time in the Desert

2010-03-14T10:41:00.000-05:00

When God is preparing you for something, He usually puts your through some tough training. When He knows that the battle will intensify and you might find yourself sinking in the waves, He takes you out there a few days (or weeks) before the battle to get you familiar with the terrain and the pressure. He is a general that wants His soldiers 500% ready for battle. I just came out of another period of basic training. God wanted my faith stronger and my walk with Him deeper.

I woke up one morning and everything seemed against me. There was nothing obviously going on. I could just feel it. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. My family was in a crisis and everyone was turning on the other. Fingers were being pointed. What had happened was a break down in communication and when that happens nothing but disaster can result. My children felt alone and neglected. Why? Because we were running here and there and always on the phone or with people. They did not feel like they were important to us. Normally, I would say that we need to just pull back and discuss it all. But instead, everything went into chaos central.

Too much had been pent up and it exploded. As fingers pointed deep issues rose to the surface. What sent me into the desert? A feeling of desertion and abandonment. I honestly felt like God was abandoning me. I had worked solid for 16 years and sometimes took on two jobs to pay the bills and put my husband through school and allow him time to work for God. When I thought that I was to achieve the dream to spend more time at home and pursuing some of my own dreams including going back to school, every door kept slamming against me. Not just slamming. It was ricocheting. Why couldn't I achieve any of my dreams?

Ok, I had published a book but it seemed to be going nowhere. I was new to this marketing thing. I have trouble bragging about my own things. When I sat down to write, everyone demanded my attention. We had agreed that I would have specific quiet time each day to do some writing and Bible study. I could not get anyone to remember that. Another one of my dreams is to go back to school for history and/or religious studies and then teach. I am a learner at heart and I crave it. I cannot find it much around here. Most people I know don't care. They are not driven to learn. Why was this part of my desert?

I had to go back to work for a few weeks to help make ends meet. Back into the accounting world. The blessing in this besides the check is that I work for a great couple of Christians and the environment is nothing that the corporate world has ever offered me. But then my husband got an online teaching job and is teaching. Wait! That was my dream. I wanted to do that. What is up, God? Why can't I get there? What is stopping me? I went straight into a major funk.

My husband could not understand at first that I was feeling like a complete failure. I couldn't do anything right. Where was the confirmations I needed that I was doing what God wanted me to do? Was I totally on the wrong path? Looked like it. It took several days before we were both calm enough to talk and I had the energy to do so. The depression was huge.

Only then could I get him and my children to understand what was happening. I felt that I was useless and nothing mattered. My life was to be spent making money for them and doing whatever they asked of me. My

This Birthday is for my Father

2010-03-07T09:43:00.000-06:00

Just one more year and I'll be the big 40. I'm not ashamed of it nor scared of it. I'm proud of it.

This year was great because for the first time I had friends who just wanted to let me know that they care. I had a great party, beautiful gifts, and sneaky friends who booked a hotel room for my husband and I to escape to. It has been great. But there is something slightly missing. My dad's off-key rendition of "Happy Birthday".

I was born at 8:30 at night. From the time I left for college and was usually away from home on my birthday, my father and mother would call me at exactly 8:30pm. He would begin singing and I would laugh. He couldn't carry a tune in a bucket.

My 32nd birthday rolled around and the call did not come and the singing was now for God. Each birthday has been hard since then as I see the clock strike me another year older and I miss his voice. This has made each March 7th hard for me.

Most people would think that holidays and Father's Day would be hard for me. But they do not effect me that much. It is my birthday and his (my daughter was born on his birthday) that brings out the selfish tears of missing him.

I cannot stand when people trumpet their birthday weeks before it actually occurs. So many demand attention on that day. Me? I would rather it be forgotten. I take this day to remember my Dad and remember the lessons he taught me and to honor him.

He was a great man. Oh, he had faults. Many of them frustrated us like nobody's business. But he had a heart. If there was somebody in need, he tried to meet it. He would feed more people who were holding the sign "Will work for food" on the side of the road than you could imagine. He made sure the minister at his church was taken care of. He was a deacon who took the job seriously.

Dad valued education. He wanted to make sure that each of his children received a good education and made something of their lives. We've done pretty good. All of us have received our degrees and are able to stand on our own two feet.

Dad raised us in the church. He made sure that we learned basic Bible truths and was able to watch us all become a part of a church home and raise our children in the Word.

What more could a father ask for? I hope that each time I stand on the Word, teach my children, and look for those in need that I honor my father as well as our Father.

Dad, I would love to be where you are - at the feet of Jesus. But until then I will strive to continue down the path you directed me. I want to take the good you gave and continue giving. Dad, thank you for the horrible birthday songs and the love you gave. Thank you for the generosity and teachings that you gave. May our actions and our love honor you throughout our lives and even generations later.

How Selfish We Are

2010-02-28T07:39:00.000-06:00

I think that we all can agree that human nature gravitates toward being selfish extremely easy. The last couple of days has made me realize how deep that selfishness is and how most people do not want to change.

The phone rings and rings. My husband tells me that it is the same person who has called about eight times already today. Why? Every time they have a single thought about something, they have to call and share. Whenever they get upset over anything no matter how small it is, they have to call. In fact, if he does not answer immediately each and every time, they go ballistic. When they see us again, they begin loudly asking why we never answer the phone and that they needed us. Problem is they think they own us.

I've noticed more and more how people are selfish about the attention they get. If they want to talk to you right now, it has to be right now. They do not care that you are in the ER with your child. It does not matter to them that you are in a meeting at work. All they care about is that they want you now. That is all they see.

Why are we like that? Why do we think that we are the only people on earth who matter? How horribly selfish we are!

The scenario that I have described might sound extreme and could only be the rare situation. Let me count the ones in my own life that is like that.... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 15..... Shall I go on? They are family members, friends, neighbors, and coworkers.

I began to look at myself and my selfish acts. I do not tend to go the route of calling someone all the time and demanding their attention. I'm more selfish in my time. Why? Because I never get any and have to fight for it. But in the end I can be very selfish there. I want my time. I want the day planned my way. Ouch! Those stinking verses from James just hit me in the head. See how selfish I can be?

I remember the phrase, "God puts sandpaper in your life to smooth your rough edges." I guess I have a lot of edges to smooth :)

Teamwork is not a Myth

2010-02-20T12:18:00.000-06:00

I had a wonderful opportunity to watch one of my son's basketball tournaments. Now, these were a group of fifth grade boys from various schools in the district. Most of them had played together a few times over the last few years and knew each other well on the court. In watching most of the teams, the predominant attitude was win- win. They coaches, the players, and the parents were all about winning. I was honored to witness something deeper.

One of the boys on the team would not be called the most gifted player. He began playing three years ago and fought being over weight. In addition to that he had been diagnosed ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) which means that he could fly off the handle at any moment and flatten someone. His temper was horrible. Whenever he was on the court, he was benched and sometimes kicked out of the game due to his temper.

The next year he almost did not come back to play, but did. The other players tried to work with and the coach began to use a few strategies. Something clicked. The young boy began to really try to keep calm and work with his team mates. Most players would keep the ball from him and try to keep him off the court. These boys did not. They kept giving him the ball hoping that he would make the basket. All year long they did that.

This was the third year. They were in their last game of the tournament and the ball ended up in the young boy's hands. He just threw it up and with the most beautiful grace it fell right through the net. The stands erupted as everyone rose to their feet to scream the boy's name. The excitement was not for the team as much as it was for the boy who got his first basket. His teammates did not chase the ball back down the court. Instead, they ran up to him and jumped on him with excitement. It was not a matter of winning. It was a matter of supporting their teammate. As he came back down the court a grin was spread across his face.

Yes, I was proud of that boy for making the basket, but I was more proud of the other players for making it as important to them as it was to him. They were one entity and played as a team. I get frustrated as I watch adults act so selfish in work, the store, the family, and even the church. What we could learn from some children on a basketball team! It is not about us! It goes so much further than that.

Givingt More to Him

2010-02-01T06:06:00.002-06:00

I had a unique situation recently. Have you ever had a situation in which you were put into a position that you felt totally unqualified for? That was me multiple times this past week.

I have several dear friends who are very mature Christians. They know scripture a million times better than me. They have more religious education than me. When they start talking I listen because I will learn. One of them came to me with a spiritual problem and I did not know what to do.

Here I was the person that usually goes to them and they were coming to me. I didn’t know what to say. My mind was spinning. I was not prepared for this. I was not educated enough for this. I felt like an idiot. They needed something from me and I had nothing to give. I just sat there. When I spoke, I felt foolish.

God is not a haphazard god. He knows exactly what He is doing. He knew I would be in that position, and He had equipped me for that scenario. I just was not prepared. I had not put on my armor and gone through my drills. I was the one who failed. He more than did His part.

What did I do wrong? My prayers were not there. I was not praying for God’s wisdom to come through me mouth. I was just panicking. My trust was being placed in myself which was a huge mistake. I knew that I should not do that, but in my shock to find myself in this position I turned to my human nature instead of leaning totally on God.

Here I am a minister’s wife and I stumble to counsel! Why? Because I looked at this person as being above me spiritually. I knew they had problems and concerns. I knew they had faults. Trust me, I know that no person is perfect or has it easy in this world. But when those that are more educated than me turn to me, I stumble. I am not expecting it. I don’t have enough faith in where I stand.

The solution? More time with God. That is the only answer. I need to pray more. I need to study more. I need to trust Him more. Overall I need Him more.

I am getting back into my in depth personal time with Him. I’m making the time. Life took over for awhile, but I’m giving it back to Him one moment at a time.

Learning to Put My Trust in God

2010-01-23T19:26:00.000-06:00

I have talked about the lessons I have been learning over the last few days. They are many and like many lessons they are painful. I’ve learned how to open doors that have been fearfully closed. I also learned when to close doors. Some are meant to be.

Because of my past with many of my “best” friends, I do not usually bring someone in to be very close. They always turn on me and the next thing I know when I need them they are talking behind my back or decide that my faults are too many. Why continue to be hurt like that?

About five years ago, I began a new job and met a girl in the department that would become the best friend I ever had. She was like the sister I never really had. We shared so much: our dreams, our past, our pain. Then one day, my heart was ripped apart. She decided that she never wanted to talk to me again. Her reasoning? There was disappointment in my voice because she had started smoking again. She tried so hard to quit and I was disappointed. I was so confused. Was I supposed to be happy? I was there for her. Sometimes it takes multiple times before someone is successful. Then more came out.

She lashed out at me and said that I had more important things in life than her and I should focus on them. I was not to call her again. What?!? I was so confused. We were soul sisters. If she really knew me, she would know that I was not like that. Her smoking was not a reason to end a friendship. If I felt that way about smoking, I would disown many friends and a few family members. I hung up the phone crying harder than I had in years. I later texted her and told her that I would abide by her wishes, but that I was still here for her.

Once I got over many of the fears of using Facebook, I decided to see if she was out there. I found her. I took a chance to request her as a friend. The pain of it all healed this past summer. But I had to offer the olive branch. Maybe she wanted to reach out but was scared or ashamed. I did it and waited a few days for her reply.

It was a denial. She refused me as a friend. A tear rolled down my cheek. This door was to be closed. I don’t know what I did. When asked she had told me that it was the disappointment in my voice that ended the friendship. I tried to mend a bridge and discovered that the gorge was now an abyss.

This was one door that needs to be closed. I still care for her. She was a wonderful friend. I wish her well in life. I wish that she has a great life. But I will move forward with fond memories and memories that teach a few lessons.

People will always let you down. I cannot put my faith in them. But I can learn from them and accept them as they are.

Lessons From Facebook

2010-01-17T02:01:00.002-06:00

I’m one to let doors stay close. When I move forward, I try not to look back. Too many times it is the painful memories that are the most powerful. It has been that way throughout my life. I move forward. Staying in the past is too much. When I signed onto Facebook, the past came back and with it memories.

I ventured into Facebook because of the book I had published. I had been told that getting myself and the book out there was to network. OK. I can do that. I was scared, but I could give it try. I began with family and a few friends. I held back venturing much further. But the past always beckons us.

I couldn’t help it. It was the year of my high school’s twentieth reunion. No one from high school knew where I was. My best friends had disappeared off the face of the earth and no one from my graduating class knew my married name. I had kept that door closed. But temptation and downright curiosity got the best of me. I started looking for high school friends.

When I found them, I just looked at their names. Too many memories surfaced. There were many good ones. There were many that tore at my heart. Fear, humiliation, and loneliness filled me. So much of who we are happens in our teenage years. The drama that unfolds creates the adults we are today.

I was always an introvert. Any stranger that spoke to me received a bent head with a beat red face. I hated crowds and new people. I trusted easily. I wore my heart on my sleeve. In many ways this is still me. I still hate meeting new people and would love to crawl under a table and hope no one sees me. I have to rack my brain what to say to people because I know that I have to find the right words because mine will never do. I am suspicious of people because trusting even those closest to me has resulted only in betrayal. I still wear my heart on my sleeve and hurt easily. Why? Because I found that most people mean what they say and have daggers buried in their words and actions. Why go through all this again and bring up the girl who cried so much? Because she had not healed.

The first person I befriended was a boy…… Let’s stop there. He is no longer a boy. We are almost forty years old. We have grown up. I need to stop looking at them all in that way. They are men and women now.

To get back to it – I found a man who I had the hardest and longest crush on. I fell for him in ninth grade and never got over him through the next few years. We were not meant to be anything put friends over those four years. I always appreciated that. I was a plain Jane. He was cute and flirtatious. Because he spoke to me others were less likely to make fun of me. I contacted him to be a Facebook friend. He accepted, but he had no idea who I was. I had kept my maiden name out of it. I was still too afraid of what would come out of all this. What were his memories of me? Did he even remember me? I also took a chance to contact him through the chat feature. If he did not treat me rudely, I might venture to another person. This was my test before moving forward. I was almost giddy with relief at his response. It was positive. There was no coldness or snobbery. He was the same in our friendship as he was twenty years ago. We reminisced about the clubs we were in and the camping trips that were so much fun. He even remembered holding my hand once. Just good fun remembering the past. This wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be. My daughter thought it was because of my old crush. I explained to her that it was because I opened a door and didn’t fall to my death.

Let’s try another one. I found another guy that was in so many of my classes. In fact, I always felt like he should have been the one giving the speech at graduation instead of me. He was so smart. I approached him and he was happy to hear from me. I couldn’t believe it. That was two for two. Could it be that it wasn’t all that bad?

OK, I found another friend who was in most of my classes. I asked to be her friend. She accepted, but something told me that she didn’t know who I was. After about a week or so, I felt so alone because she didn’t know who I was. We were not best friends, but we had a lot that we experienced together. She was a great classmate. I tossed and turned for awhile over whether or not to put my maiden name out there. So one day I took the chance and did it. The response from her was great. Then I saw something that kicked me in the stomach.

Two of her friends who commented on her entries were two boys (sorry, men) whom I had dated and whom I broke up with over her. They all wanted to date her instead of me. I wasn’t mad at her or anything for communicating with them. It was the memories that it all brought up.

The first boyfriend who forgot my 16th birthday and then wanted to dump me to ask her out. I beat him to the punch. We stayed friends, but the pain of a first boyfriend lasts a long time.

Boyfriend number two who took me to prom and then I discovered that I was second choice and he wished I was her. The result was me breaking it off and then nastiness and revenge from his friends. I couldn’t show my face for the lies told.

The pain was deep. I hated what had happened. I didn’t want those memories. I had such a low self-esteem with boys as it was. It only got worse. It took the contact from boyfriend number one to show me that high school is just a bunch of painful drama. Nothing more.

He became my friend on Facebook and struck up a chat. In so many ways he was the same guy. In many more I found a man instead of a boy. He had grown up. He had changed. He was different. We talked of the past. We joked. He apologized for his actions. Made me feel good, I must admit. If he had grown up and matured, maybe everyone else had, too. I was learning a hard lesson. I cannot keep judging people on my past view of them. I have to give them a chance to see if they had changed and grew up. I had. Why couldn’t they have?

A few more people entered my life on Facebook. A few I really wasn’t sure if I wanted to accept their friendships. The past with them was bad. The last time I spoke to one girl, she cussed me out because I would not say that she was the best friend I ever had. (Were we that overdramatic?) Another made my life a living, well you know, for over a year. She was deceitful and mean. They had all received me warmly and when they talked about their life, it was a very different one from high school and even college. They had changed. They had grown up.

I learned not to make memories as eternal things. They did happen and in that regard should not be forgotten. But to make memories current events is not right. Twenty years is a long time. Wonders can be made during that time. Miracles can occur. I’ve changed more in the last few days that I have in the last few years. I discovered friends again. I discovered that time can heal wounds. I haven’t found a few really close friends out there. I wonder if they are even alive. I’ll keep looking. I don’t want my memories to be jaded by time. I want new memories with a clearer reality.

Lessons Continue

2010-01-09T06:55:00.000-06:00

My last entry was discussing how God uses obstacles that seem so tall and insurmountable to remind us how awesome He is. My family had something hit us right between the eyes. God taught us a lot. We stepped out on faith and went against what the world would say. And in return He is blessing us beyond measure.

Yesterday my husband was called in that he was accepted as a substitute teacher in a nearby district. That would really help our highly probable money issue. That is if there is a need for him. But it is a start. I got offered a writing job. It is very low pay, but it is a start. It will pay for a week's worth of gas. Then the temporary job that I was to start in February called and asked if I could start early. Works for me! Then a prayer supporter felt led to help the ministry out and wanted our address to send money. Our van died a few days before the obstacle reared its head. We got offered a car and they will work with us.

We haven't found the entire amount that we will be short next month and the month after, but we are much closer than we were when we got knocked down. God is taking care of. He will not let us starve. Proverbs 10:3a says that God will not the righteous be hungry. We might not get what we want when we want, but He will provide it in the most creative and uplifting ways.

We've never known a time (since college) when we did not know if we had one penny to look at. We are there now. But we are not frightened. We are not panicking. We are waiting to see how God is glorified in it all. We trust Him. We have learned the hard way not to trust man. No one person on this planet is completely trusting. They will let you down. But God is the one to turn to. He can take the unsuspecting person and use them to help you. We should not feel bad to accept "charity". They have submitted themselves to God to be a servant and He wants them to serve you at this moment. Let them be a tool for God when they help out with food, babysitting, bills, or gas. When you are back on your feet, help them back or pass it on to someone else. Be submissive to God in letting Him overcome the obstacle. Be submissive to God in letting Him guide you down the dark path. Be submissive to God in accepting love from others in all the various forms of fellowship. Be submissive to God in have empathy for others in your situation and lend a helping hand. Only this way can we grow more Christ-like and allow His bright glory shine for all to see.

Never Stop Learning

2010-01-08T09:52:00.000-06:00

We never stop learning. If you think you know it all, you probably know very little. One of the worst areas we have for learning is trusting God. Just like the Israelites we cannot seem to remember lessons learned.

When obstacles appear we always focus on them. We see the Red Sea before us and the Egyptians behind us. We see the thousands of soldiers before us and the few hundred with us. We see a valley of dry bones and nothing else. What we seem to forget and totally ignore is that God is there and He is way bigger and more powerful than the Red Sea, the Egyptians, the soldiers, death. No obstacle is too big for Him. In fact, they don't come up to His big toe. So why do we continually focus on them?

When Paul was in prison, he did not lament his predicament. He did not sit wringing his hands wondering what was going to happen next. He knew that what had happened would be in God's will and that he was going to do what he was told to do, witness, until he got his next marching orders. He did not wonder how he could do anything because he was in jail. He did not wonder how he could continue his ministry. He looked at the circumstances he was in and just did his job. He did not worry about the next ten minutes.

My family and I had a situation just yesterday that seemed to turn our world upside down. I never doubted that God would provide. When it comes to standing on principle, I am almost a bulldog about some things. To sell our soul for money and compromise our believes and values was not even something to discuss. God would always provide when a child of His stands up for what is right and biblical. He has for us each and every time.

Yesterday we were told that my husband was losing his job. OK, really he was losing the funding for that ministry. The ministry would not die and he would not give up following God's plan. But when the carrot was dangled in front of us, we felt caught between a rock and a hard place. Turn the ministry into what all other ministries are (which we have been praised for following the Bible and not man-made ideas and traditions)and lose your salary and not your work funds or continue and have no money at all. Saying we were shocked would be an understatement.

We have been commended for having a ministry that was more reflective of Jesus' while He was on earth. We are like nothing in the entire county and even the surrounding counties. Last night five people sat before us saying that they would be back using drugs or even worse if we were not here for them. We are reaching out to people who have no money, no family that supports them, and feel that there is no good in life. They say that they have found God again. They feel Him when we have fun together, worship together, and pray together. But other churches have commented that they just could not do what we do. They cannot reach many of the lost around here with severe issues. They cannot show them that Jesus is real and obtainable. Yet, if we were put under their direction they would want to take us down paths that would go against everything we do and stand for. They have told us that. The ministry would change and we would have to be like all the others around us.

The obstacle in front of us? Honestly, just money. How would we survive? I have no full-time job. If he loses his, how will we eat. There would be no money to survive on. Do we give in and go against what we and others feel God is leading us to do for money? Or do we say that we have the faith of a mustard seed and stand on principle? We are going to stand on principle. We cannot stand before God and say that we chose money and "peace of mind" over following His direction. Where would our blessings be? We would be miserable. We would be walking in the dark. But when we step out and say that we will be like Noah and follow God no matter how illogical it may sound, we will be the ones above the floods. We will be the ones with the blessings and the true peace. No amount of ridicule or condemnation will change that.

Our God is the only god. He is the only one to save us. He is the only one who has been there for us during the good and the gad. He is the only faithful person we know. He is the only truly supportive person because He is God and cannot be anything less. We follow the commander of all commanders. We follow the leader that leads perfectly. We follow the one who takes care of the lilies and the sparrows and reminds me how much more important I am than them. Why wouldn't He take care of something as tiny as money to live on. He created an amazing universe that we still cannot understand. He created the human body that sends scientists curveballs every time they think they have it figured out. Our God is the focus of our life, not man made rules, traditions, opinions, selfish desires, or controlling needs.

We learned that our faith can be blown in the wind, but just like a tree that bends with the winds instead of being broken into. We bent with the assault of the storm. We felt the pain of going in a direction we were not meant to. But when the storm eased, we pulled ourselves back up and continued growing. This time the growth is stronger.

3 Simple God Acts of Love Challenge

2010-01-05T08:11:00.000-06:00

This past Sunday the preacher gave each of us a challenge for the week. We were to note three instances in which God answered a prayer or need through simple methods. With the weeks we had been having I thought that it would be impossible. Why do I keep underestimating God?

God gave me simple act number 1 on Monday morning. I knew I was not getting over my sinus infection. The medicine from urgent care was not working at all. So I called my regular doctor. It usually takes three to five days to see him because everyone loves him. The receptionist actually laughed when I asked for the earliest date to see him was. But her laugh turned to gasps as she saw a cancellation. I could get in at 11:20. A miracle. A simple one, but a miracle.

We know God performs huge and amazing feats. We hear about it all the time in testimonies, but the simple acts that happen multiple times a time gets overlooked all the time. We never stop to see what He sends us that we brush aside and take for granted. We keep looking for a parting of the Red Sea while ignoring the butterfly. God sent that to us as well.

Our lives are always on the run. Our society expects this of us. We cannot have a single empty space on our calendar without being looked down upon or feeling guilty. To take a moment to breathe has to be planned and is a major event in our lives. Why should imitating Christ by taking some quality time to rejuvenate be so unusual?

Because of that challenge, I began my week being more deliberate and observant. Because of that I had a much better start to my day and I did not focus on the negative. I was deliberately looking for God in the simple things. Therefore, I was able to actually see the simple things and appreciate them.

I'm hoping to continue that today. I was actually able to start my day off with prayer and Bible study which has been almost non-existent lately. I did not think of what had to be done next. I took the moments of first coming around from sleep and began communing with my Father. I plan on seeing the simple miracles today and enjoying each and every one.

Proverbs 3:5-6

2009-12-26T14:56:00.002-06:00

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Do you trust God? Do you know in your heart that He is in control? If you said yes to these questions and still worry over things in your life, then you just told a really BIG one. When you worry, you are saying that you don’t trust God or feel like He can handle a situation. And we worry over everything! We worry over our finances, our health, our job, projects, finding a husband, having a baby, dealing with others, getting the dishes done….. The list can go on and on. If there is nothing big in our lives ready to be worried over, you’ll find something in our worry-closet. There is always something minor stuffed in there ready to use for a worry-free day. Then we chew on it. Our heart rate increases. Our tempers flare. No one wants to be around us. Then we come up with ways to get out of it. Our own wonderful ideas that land us in a world of trouble each and every time. Instead of a straight path, we find hills, dales, valleys, rocky mountains, and messed up roads when we choose the path to take. Let God do the navigating. When you do that, you are allowing the only one who can really see around the next bend work out your finances so that all will be well. Only then will the unknown be met head on with surety. Only He knows what your future holds. Let go and give God your troubles. Let Him fix it all. Let Him show you the straight path. I’m sure He can find other uses for your worry-energy.

Romans 10:9

2009-12-23T09:58:00.000-06:00

That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

A very powerful verse. One as black and white as they come. This very verse can end many debates. The very verse should be one you are extremely familiar with. Many people walk this earth saying that they believe. They believe many things. Most of them will even say that they believe in God or that they believe Jesus was the Son of God. That is well and good, but according to this verse and other Scripture references it is not enough to just believe. Even the demons believe and they are not guaranteed a place in heaven, so why should we expect otherwise? Believe is a starting point, not the finish line. You have to go beyond the believe stage and enter the confession/submission stage. So, there is a God. What is He is your life? Is He your Lord? Is He really? What does it mean for Him to be your Lord? To have a lord of any kind, means that you have someone that you are subject to and you give homage to. Do you do that with God? Are you subject to His commands and directions? Do you give Him appropriate acknowledgment and honor? More than likely not. So many of us might open up the Bible and casually read the words. But to implement them in our lives, that is another thing. To stop and think of God before opening our mouths, is another thing. Do you believe? Is He LORD of your life or is He a place to blame everything? Before you do anything else today, stop and think of what your relationship with God really is and where it really should be.

Matthew 5:5

2009-12-19T08:34:00.002-06:00

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

Who are the meek? What are the meek? The meek are the ones who have learned humility and know what a servant’s heart really is. They are the ones who are acknowledging Christ first and following His commands quickly and obediently. But inheriting the earth? How will those that are not out front or taking charge be the winners in the end? That doesn’t make any sense at all. It is when it doesn’t make any sense that God can shine the brightest. They are the ones that God will be putting in charge of His new kingdom. They are the ones that know what good servitude and stewardship is. Now, the question lies in where we are on the meek-o-meter. Do we have a servant’s heart? Are we familiar with humility or more with arrogance? Are we good stewards and obedient servants? Will we inheriting the earth or watching on the side lines?

Learning So Much

2009-12-17T10:44:00.000-06:00

My children teach me so much. They make me look at things so differently. My son is the expert at that.

We were watching the movie Ben Hur. He is studying Latin and the history of Rome. As we are watching it, he begins to make comments. Leave it to an eleven year old to find historical errors that not even adults find. He begins to ask questions that we have trouble answering. Here we are with five degrees between us and we cannot answer these questions. So humbling.

Humility is something we never want to experience and never want to advance through. It means that we are not as "good" as we thought and need to correct a few things. It means that we are not perfect and need guidance. For an adult that can be painful especially from a child. What could they possibly teach us? More than you could guess. Their insights are amazing because they do not contain ideas that are "concrete" or "the norm". They have imagination and thinking out of the box is the norm for them.

My oldest taught me that I need to slow down and spend more time with her. She is the tender age of 13. She needed more one on one time with her parents. She is struggling getting our attention from her brother and sister and work and life in general. She needs us. She taught us to stop and smell the roses. She is the rose in our life that is blooming against our will. The child is becoming a young lady who still needs love and attention.

I haven't learned it all yet. I've got a long way to go.

Being Honest With Ourselves

2009-11-25T05:42:00.000-06:00

I recently was having coffee with a friend when she announced that she had been doing a lot of internal reflection. She determined that she was too selfish and needed to focus on someone other than herself. During the rest of the conversation, she demanded to know why I did not pick up my phone earlier in the day when she called. Looking right at me she said that she expected me to answer whenever she called me. As I was telling her about the stress we were under in answer to a question she asked, she interrupted me and began to tell me how she was redecorating her house. Hello? Did you just not say that you were realizing how selfish you were and was going to work on it?

This all caused me to reflect deeply. How often do we go through life thinking that we are honest with ourselves? We talk about honesty with others, but what about to ourselves? Are we really that honest? If we are honest, no!

To be honest means that we would have to actually take steps toward improvement! We cannot do that. OK, I know that this sounds too sarcastic and maybe I need to reflect a little more about my honesty, but we are really like that. To change means that we have to work on it. When you go on a diet, you have to work at it, right? The same goes for our character diet. We have to evaluate, assess, plan, act, reassess, make corrections, and repeat. We hate the dieting because of it. Therefore, we hate doing it in any part of our lives.

What stops us from improving our character? Is it pride, selfishness, or just plain laziness? Maybe it is a combination of all of them. We are too busy. It is just the way we were made. I have more important things to do. It is too much work. Sound familiar? Deep down inside these might be exactly when you tell yourself. If you were honest....

Learning Not to Assume

2009-11-14T14:05:00.000-06:00

It is easy to assume things. We assume what people are thinking. We assume other people's intentions. We assume that we know what we are doing. But in the end you know what happens when you assume? Nothing good.

I had a chance to be put in a position where I was assuming what someone was up to. I was really torn trying to decide of they were telling me truth. I wanted to believe them, but I began to assume that they could not be since they seem to always fall in that area. They were adamant that they were on the right path and telling me the honest truth. I feared otherwise.

What did I learn? That they were telling the truth and that they needed to be given the chance to prove themselves. How else will any of us learn and grow if we are not given the chance to succeed or fail? Yes, they might be lying. Give them the chance to stand tall or hang themselves. How else would we grow into adulthood and know firsthand pitfalls and correct decision making?

When someone you love and trust begins to second guess you and doubt you, you begin to doubt yourself. You second guess your decisions and actions. You become so dependent on others that you cannot seem to find your own way in life. Parents will not always be there for us. Elders in our family and community will not always be around. Friends will not be there every time you need them. There will come a time when you have to grow up. And I need to let them. No matter who they are.

My children have to learn that they will have to make decisions in life and face the consequences of those decisions. More immature people in my life will have to realize that they need to become mature and my interference will not help them in any way.

How do I help them? In reality, I need to grow more and obtain more Godly wisdom. When I do that, they will seek me out instead of me interfering in their lives. They will look for advice because I do not push it on them. They will seek my counsel because it is not mine but Someone higher.

Assuming does not get us anywhere. It only hinders our journey through life. Trust and acceptance have to be the key.

Love Can Be Bought

2009-11-07T18:37:00.000-06:00

Today is my little one's second birthday. My little one is my puppy. I laugh at my husband and tell him all the time that love can be bought. She loves me like no one else does.

I get up in the morning and she welcomes me with a tail that will just not stop wagging. The excitement she has for me is indescribable. I step outside for a few minutes and she welcomes me with the same excitement as if I was gone for hours.

Mocha is the best Christmas present I've ever received.

I spent the last two days not feeling good. I don't have the flu, but my body is achy and I'm so tired. Who lays with me? Mocha. Who cuddles up to me when I doze off? Mocha.

I came home the other day to pick up the mail. She welcomed me and licked my face off. After a few minutes, she just laid herself against me. She was content to just be there.

There is an old saying like, "I can only hope to be half the person my dog thinks I am." How true it is. She does not see my faults. She does not see my issues. She sees the person she loves.

Why can't people learn more of this? Why can't we see beyond problems and faults? Why can't we see to the heart of the person? What would their dog see?

I'm going to start this week and learn to look at people more like Mocha does with me. I'm going to begin to look deeper. I've got to look beyond the surface.

Lessons from a Loose Tooth

2009-10-28T17:44:00.000-05:00

It’s been a few years since I’ve lost a baby tooth. We won’t go there about how long. But it has been awhile. This past week my youngest lost her first tooth.

I was getting a little bit worried. She is seven and a half years old and no loose teeth yet. One day she found that her front bottom tooth was loose. The excitement she had is totally indescribable. Every other sentence was about her loose tooth. She had heard tales of my brother pulling my first one. I never felt a thing. She asked if he would do it for her. A few days later the tooth was extremely loose.

My brother agreed to pull her tooth. It was so successful that she never felt a thing and the tooth went flying. About twenty minutes or so later we found it hiding in the carpet. She was so excited. The fear of it coming out never entered the picture. She was ready for the change.

This really got me to thinking. How often do we embrace change? How often do we meet it with excitement and tell everyone about it? Very rarely.

When change enters our lives, we usually run from it. We fight it. We try to stop it. We like things the way they are. There are some things we actually try to bring change in. Many of us look for relationships and even embrace the changes it brings into our lives. When we decide to get married, the change is usually received with excitement and the whole world is informed. Now others around us might fight those changes, but the general rule is that change is fought.

Why do we do that? Why are we so satisfied with the ways our lives are? The changes before us could bring us growth, blessings, new opportunities. Change can be one of the best things that enters our lives. Maybe we should all receive change the way my daughter did with her tooth. Take some joy in it and jump right in. You never know what you will find.

Romans 5:8

2009-10-14T11:13:00.000-05:00

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8

Wow! We don’t have to get out lives straight first? We don’t have to quit drinking before entering a church? We don’t have to stop eating excessively before having Christ as our Lord? We don’t have to be perfect before being accepted? That is what so many people tell us and imply. We need to first get our lives straight before we walk into a church? Boy, do they have it wrong. Jesus did not wait for the prostitute to stop selling her wares before speaking to her and pouring out forgiveness. He did not wait for the leper to be healed before touching him. He did not wait for the corpse to be removed before entering the death room and prove death powerless. He did not wait on purity. He waited on us to turn toward Him. That is all. He waited on us to cry out to Him and to bring that dirty filthy life before Him. He can clean your life like no cleaner on the market today or in the future. Only He can make your life pure. The churches cannot. Ministers cannot. Christians cannot. Only Christ. So you have to have the Great Cleaner do the work. But to do that you have to come dirty to Him. Come to Him and let Him clean your life. The relief you feel will be like nothing you’ve ever felt.

Psalm 1:1-3

2009-10-12T11:01:00.002-05:00

Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in seat of mockers.
But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he mediates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither,
whatever he does prospers.
(NIV)

How many times do we tend to listen to advice from those that are not wise? We mainly do this because we like what they have to say. We don't always like what we hear that we should listen to. Why do we do this? Because it is easy. We don't want to have to rethink our ways or be serious about it.

A sign of maturity is when we turn to God and listen to His words instead of those that want to influence us for selfish reasons. When we go the Bible first and on our knees in prayer, we seek out the most perfect of wisdom. When we go to a friend or someone who has deceit in their hearts, we seek destruction. Very little will come out of it.

Today, I pledge to seek out God's counsel more and to spend more time with Him. What better wisdom could I ask for?

Obstacles are Opportunities

2009-10-10T10:41:00.002-05:00

I can honestly say that I go up against about a dozen obstacles a day. Most of them are huge. I'm not exaggerating. They are enormous. But the last huge one I faced, brought me back to the realization that God does not see them as we do. He sees them as opportunities.

I had just written an article on Barnabas. When I got to the point where Barnabas and Paul had a disagreement over taking (John) Mark with them on their next missionary trip, I noted how their disagreement was actually giving God the results that he needed. It might not have been in the best manner, but the missionary efforts were doubled. We see a problem at first. God saw an opportunity. That was written two days ago. I didn't realize that God was preparing me for the next "opportunity" in my life.

When that time came, I was angry at first. I mean, come on, God. What next? (By the way, don't ever seriously ask that question. You might get an answer.) After a while during the whole conversation, my anger turned from being a hurt and angry anger to one of determination. Does that make sense? I began to see the opportunity that someone else wanted to make and obstacle. My anger turned to wanting to get going and show them that God is the one we answer to and who is in control. No one else. No one can derail His plan. No one can mess up His mission. Ideas began to pour in through me and others as we realized that the true obstacle had been removed. We now had such a sense of freedom and purpose. The weight around our neck was gone. We were free to stop living the drama around us and focus on the opportunities in front of us. They are multiplying.

When you are faced with an issue, stop and think of how God is looking at this. Is it derailing His plan for you life? Is He really a God in control? How powerful is He if this obstacle can stop Him? Nothing can prevent Him from doing anything. He is God. He is the Alpha and Omega. He is!

Philippians 2:13

2009-10-07T12:38:00.000-05:00

for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

Don’t forget that God resides in you. I’m not saying that you are God, but that when you come to Him in complete surrender, you give Him a place in your heart and soul where He can work on you and connect with you. He doesn’t leave you. He is there working with you many times, working for you all the time. You don’t have to struggle alone. He is there for you helping you make the right decisions and give you the strength when you have to say no. Remember that you are not alone.

Learning Daily

2009-10-03T10:05:00.002-05:00

I love the psalms of David. They are raw. They are honest. Yet, I always felt that I could not always relate to what he wrote. God has a way of growing us by allowing us to eventually experience many of the same feelings that the saints in the Word felt.

Recently, I experienced betrayal. It hurt like a knife in the heart. I had trusted someone that I considered a friend and someone that I respected. I found out that much of it if not all was a lie. They had gotten close to me and encouraged me to confide in them. None of that is wrong, but when they stored up in the information to use against me at a later date I was devastated. The truth was distorted and twisted to make anything I said or did to look ugly and horrible. I could not believe it. Now, I understood David.

David was a man who had so many people after him. They chased him. They slandered him. They laid traps for him. They thirsted for his blood. He cried to the Lord in his innocence. Was David perfect? No. Did he sin? Yes. Yet, his enemies could not attack him in those areas. They made up lies and tried to bring him down. He constantly asked God to let them fall into their traps.

These Psalms now take on new meaning for me as I hear how this person is claiming that I lie and steal. Do I have faults? More than I care to look at. Yet, they pull ones that have no prove to slander me. A so-called friend.

I have wished like David that they be wiped from the earth. I have wished that they fall into their own traps. I lift up all this before God. I hurt yet I need to learn to pray for them. This is hard especially when it comes from someone with enough Christian years and knowledge under their belt. They do know better.

Discovering the world includes learning of the ugly and painful. We cannot go through life without experiencing some of this. We will have betrayal. We will have disappointment. We will have disappointments. Only through experiencing these can we grow and become stronger. I know that I will rise out of this stronger and wiser. That does not negate the pain nor does God wish us not to feel the pain. He was betrayed. He knows how it feels. He knows more than anyone. Yet, He rose out of it in such majesty. We can do.

Growing is painful, but I thank God everyday for these experiences that make me a better soldier for His army.

Too Long

2009-09-23T11:26:00.003-05:00

So sorry that it has been so long since I last visited you. It has been crazy. My harddrive died which took me out of the virtual world for almost a week. Then I discovered more of the world around me.

I was saddened this past week as I realized how low some people will go in this world to be on top. They do not mind lying, cheating, or stealing to get what they want. So much of this I hear in books and movies, but I lived it this week.

What have I learned? That I need to be more aware and alert of everyone. God asks that we be like innocent children yet keep our street smarts. That can be difficult but when we walk in the Spirit it works. Only when we walk with God daily and let Him guide us can survive the perils of this life.

So what am I going to do? I'm going to spend more time in the Word and more prayer!

I'm Not in Control

2009-09-02T13:06:00.003-05:00

Life can be humbling. I had our move all planned out. It would have gone so smoothly if my husband hadn't hurt his shoulder, the car didn't decide to get sick, and work needed overtime. If it could go wrong and interfere with my carefully laid out plans, it did. Or did it?

My computer decided to quietly die. The hard drive after 1 year decided to commit suicide. What was I to do? I needed it. Or did I? Without the computer around I was able to work more on the move and help my husband. Work had to take a backseat.

I'm not always in control and my plans are not always the best. I discovered that I need to be more flexible and willing to go with His flow much more easily.

I think I'll begin to turn the electronics off a few more times!

Luke 15:11-32

2009-08-23T08:44:00.001-05:00

This is one of the most well known of Jesus’ parables. What always amazes me about this story is the patience and love the father shows. He willing hands over the inheritance probably knowing that the young foolish man would squander it. He knew that the boy would never fully appreciate his own home and the love he had there until he experienced life without it. So he let him go. What love! What support! What forgiveness! Then after all this, he welcomes him back with open arms. That is what God does with us. Whenever we stray and seek other lands and other entertainments, He waits patiently for us to learn our lessons and come running back, tears running down our face, arms reaching out for security. Many ask why He allows us to do it in the first place if He really loved us. Those same would ask why He doesn’t let us make our own decisions. We always want to eat our cake and have it, too. It doesn’t work that way. He loves us so much that He lets us make decisions, even bad ones, and then welcomes us back to heal us and to help us grow. God’s arms are open to you no matter what you’ve done and no matter where you’ve been. Who else would do that for you?

Beginning to See the Promised Land

2009-08-22T00:48:00.002-05:00

Many of you know that lately I have been in the desert. Depression, trials, and stress have abounded. Every now and then I think that I'm out, but I discover that it was an oasis. Those moments of rest and restoration are dear to me, but I cannot stay there. I have to go on toward the Promised Land.

I got a glimpse into the Promised Land tonight. It might be closer than I thought though I still have some terrain to travel.

Why do we spend time in the desert? We need to be prepared. We need to be trained and ready to work hard. Though we will be in the land of milk and honey, it is not a green light to lay around and be waited on. We will be working but it will be in total sync with the Spirit. The trials will be less and anything that comes our way will seem like nothing because we have been through the desert.

My desert is stress at a job that makes you want to be put away. My desert is my three children bickering non stop. My desert is my husband in full ADHD mode. My desert is my phone ringing every three minutes by the same person. My desert is other people demanding time of me. My desert is conflict. My desert is disappointment. My desert is betrayal of friends. My desert is missing a loved one. My desert is yearning for my dreams to come true and wondering if they won't.

But the Promise Land is full of hope, peace, and excitement. Promise Land, here I come!!!!

Hebrews 11:6

2009-08-21T07:56:00.001-05:00

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

How can you approach God if you deny His existence? You can’t. You have to acknowledge His existence and earnestly seek Him. What does it mean to be earnest in seeking Him? It means to be serious in looking for Him and to be intently doing it. You don’t do it on whims. You don’t do it for the moment. You seek Him because you desire Him with all your being. When you do that, He hears your prayers and answers your calls for help. He doesn’t want a sometimes believer. He doesn’t want a maybe I’ll believe if He answers me believer. He wants someone who sincerely believes and desires Him.

Taking It All For Granted

2009-08-20T03:50:00.002-05:00

We are spoiled. Believe it or not it is true. We take so much for granted. How do I know that? Because I learned the hard truth is a very unique way.

Almost a decade ago, I met a woman and her daughter who were from Iran. They were seeking religious asylum here in America. The mother had begun to question her native religion, Islam, when her brother returned in a coffin from the Iran/Iraq war. How could Muslims justify killing Muslims? She couldn't accept that. Over the years she balked at many of the traditions imposed on her that seemed oppressive. She refused to carry through in an arranged marriage. Instead, she married for love. She questioned authority and began searching deeper into the Koran. As the answers were not coming forward she looked into other religions. That alone is reason enough to be executed. She found Christianity and felt that this was the right way to go. Despite what the country's leaders were saying, it gave hope. But conversion was a death sentence to her and her whole family.

She had to sell her entire life and run away with her teenage daughter while leaving her husband and son behind to come later.

It took 2 years before she would see them again.

How can I complain about my life? How can I say that I am oppressed or that rules are not fair? I cannot get arrested for just having my head uncovered or my sleeves above my wrist. I can walk into any church of any religion. I can question (preferably with respect) my government. I can protest. I have true freedom.

Puts my "problems" into perspective.

Matthew 5:4

2009-08-19T19:16:00.000-05:00

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Have you lost someone close to you? It could have been a parent, child, husband, wife, brother, sister, or close friend. It hurts. It hurts more than any words can describe. Do you know that even in those darkest and most painful of moments, you are blessed beyond measure? You are blessed because when you are in your deepest despair, you cling to God more and more. You pull yourself closer and closer to Him as you cry harder. When you mourn, you seek out comfort. The same comfort you might reject otherwise, you accept today. Only then can you throw yourself into His arms and accept the full amount of the comfort that He can give you. What wonderful comfort to know that in my darkness, He brings the light.

Romans 8:38-39

2009-08-16T04:11:00.001-05:00

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Have you ever felt the love and bond that a mother/father has for their child? That love can be so strong. In fact, parents have sacrificed their lives for their children and thought nothing of it. Christ did that for us. OK, so you’ve heard that before. What of it? Death could not separate Christ from you. Death took Him and He kicked it right in the face. Death might take your physical body, but you have handed over your heart and soul to Christ, death runs in terror and fear. It will not touch those. Life cannot separate Christ from you. He is everywhere. He speaks through nature, through others, through books, through His Word, through your heart. Supernatural powers cannot separate Christ from you. Though they are powerful, they have nothing compared to the love He has for you. They tremble at the sound of His name much less His presence. What is happening today in your life cannot separate Christ from you. He knows all about it. If He can conquer death and demons, why couldn’t He conquer your problems for today. The future cannot separate Him from you. He knows the future already. How could it possibly prevent the All Powerful from loving you? Can anything come between Christ and you? No. He loves you so much that He has already moved heaven and earth for YOU. I’ve never had a physical person in my life give up their life for me, but I know of some who had. During wars it was not uncommon for comrades to sacrifice their own lives for those of a fellow soldier. The ones that survived carried those memories with them forever and never ever forgot the sacrifice. Christ did that for you. Because He placed Himself in a position of pain, torture, and agonizing death you don’t have to spend eternity screaming in anguish. He loved you that much – more than your parents ever could, more than your spouse ever could, more than anything on this earth could.

Luke 17:33

2009-08-14T08:40:00.000-05:00

Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.

When you try to keep control of your life and dictate the terms and conditions, you can only lose it. You cannot control all the aspects of your life. When you get right down to it, you cannot control any part of it. When you think that you can beat habits on your own time, you are wrong. When you think that you have the power to conquer addictions, change others, create your own tomorrows, you lose out in the end. You cannot do that. But when you give you life (lose your life) to God, you gain so much. Giving Him control of your path, your decision making, your future ensures you a victory in the end. It doesn’t make sense? Why would I want to lose to gain? Because you are not God. You cannot see what is around the bend. You cannot control the winds and the waves. You cannot create the miracles. You cannot determine the days. Why would you want to continue being in control when your power is so limited that you are fooling yourself that there is such a thing as control when you could be giving the driver’s seat over to the One who knows no bounds and can take you to places you could only dream about?

Oasis in the Desert

2009-08-13T21:02:00.002-05:00

tiFor the last few weeks I've been struggling through the spiritual desert. Days of not wanting to pray. Times of fighting with God. Wondering where He is and where I am. Fighting depression. Every now and then a small oasis appears.

This past Monday I felt like I was at the lowest. Where are You, God? If you were really watching out for your children, You would give some chance of a rest right? Where are the still waters and pastures to lay my head? You say that I can come to You as I am weary and find rest. I am more than weary and I'm finding NO rest.

He showed me the pastures today. I visited with a dear person who changed my life eight years ago. I was reminded of how He provides and in the most unusual ways. Through this woman from a foreign country I was shown humility, love, respect for my country, and gratefulness for all I have. After visiting with her, I felt humility before my Provider again. I had been wallowing in self-pity and frustration. And here was a person who had been through so much more. Here was someone who had more "right" to yell at God and fight with Him. Who was I?

Going through the desert is required for all of us. It is only through those miles of sand that we begin to toss off the yoke of pride that led us there in the first place and begin to rely more heavily on Him. He leads you to the oasis to rest and replenish. He keeps you in the desert to be refined and prepared for the job that awaits you in the land of milk and honey.

I'm being prepared for a special job. I'm going to another level in my spiritual growth. It is painful here in the desert, but it will be so worth it as I commune with my Lord.

Feeling the Breeze

2009-08-09T00:32:00.003-05:00

We are always on the run! I don't know anyone who isn't. It spills over into every aspect of our lives. When we do that we get all hot and focus on the discomfort of the heat.

Tonight I could not sleep for the heat. After a few minutes I felt a caress of coolness over me. I realized that the temperature was dropping outside and was trying to meander its way in. I forced myself to just lie there and focus on the cool and not the heat. It was amazing! I began to feel so much more comfortable. The temperature inside had not changed much, but my focus had. I was feeling the coolness and therefore was cooling down.

Sometimes our perspectives need to be changed and we have to force them to go through the change. We get too fixated. If we would only slow down and look around us!

Stop! Breathe! Relax! There are wonders just waiting for you.

John 10:10

2009-08-08T15:13:00.002-05:00

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Christ did not come to take anything that you need from you. He was wanting to make sure that you have life, that you knew what it meant to truly live, that you learned to live life to the fullest. Many think that becoming a Christian and walking right with God means that you have to give up all fun things and go through life moping around. Only someone like a thief who is only out for themselves comes in to take against your will what is yours. Only someone devious would come in set on killing and destroying your life. Christ did not sneak in with ulterior motives. He never concealed His intent. From the beginning He came for you personally. He came so that you could know firsthand what true living is. When you follow Christ, you learn what is in your life that is killing you and stealing your joy. You get a chance to kick it out and find true pleasures that give life and joy. When you begin to take an inventory of your life, you begin to see all the things that you once thought were fun were in reality destroying your heart, your soul, your body, your relationships, your life. Those are the thieves. Turning to Christ and letting Him toss those items far away might be the freeing thing you’ll ever do.

Ephesians 4:26-27

2009-08-06T17:07:00.001-05:00

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

But when I’m angry I want to scream.

Alright, go press your face in a pillow and scream as loud as you can.

But I want to hit something.

Alright, go get a pillow and start punching.

But I want to hurt something.

Not alright.

Anger is a very strong emotion. It is not a sin to be angry. It is an emotion God gave us. He even expresses anger at times. But what we do when we are angry makes all the difference in the world. There can be huge effects that go way beyond your personal feelings. Go ahead and feel the anger. Let it out, but make sure that you don’t sin in the process. Hit the pillow. Scream into the pillow. But don’t cuss your children out. Don’t use them as the punching bag. Don’t spread false rumors about someone out of anger. Don’t betray a confidence. The Apostle Paul wrote the words we are reading today and he reminds us that though we can feel that anger it should be short lived. Don’t go to sleep still angry so that it can fester. When you do that, the devil is gleefully rubbing his hands together. Oh, once you are asleep the whispers start. He’ll help that anger fester. Before you know it the next day has arrived and you are angrier and more vengeful than you were before. Stop it now before it gets out of hand and you make a fool of yourself. If at all possible, try to reconcile with the person before sleep claims you. If you cannot do it, reconcile your anger with God. Release it to Him and let the devil moan and wail. Let him be angry instead and you have a peaceful night’s sleep.

Children are Sometimes Wiser

2009-08-05T09:12:00.002-05:00

We are adults. We've got it all figured out. Right? Sure. Until a child opens his mouth.

My son does say the darnest things. Out of the blue he'll make a joke that sends you rolling or a profound statements that shuts you up. You just never know with him.

One day my husband was driving along and living to public radio. A man was on there talking about his latest book in which he states that in 20 years gas will be over $20 a gallon. The results will be no more mega supermarkets and chains, no more cars, no more long distance traveling because we will revert back to the way our great-great grandparents lived and it will be better for all. If you want a gallon of milk, you will ride your horse or walk to a neighborhood grocery story and buy it.

A farmer called in and stated that what the guy missed is that if gas is that high, a gallon of milk will be $20 a gallon to reflect the high cost of the gas that was needed to process and transport it.

All of these were very good points and something to talk about. But my son was pondering something so obvious that no one else got it. You have to keep in mind that he is only 10 years old. He looked at his dad and said, "But couldn't $20 be nothing in 20 years? After all a $100 is worth less today than it was in our grandparents day."

My children teach me a lot. On that day my son made me realize that I don't know the future. I have no idea what it really holds. Therefore, as the good Book says, why am I worrying about tomorrow when today has enough to worry about?

Ephesians 5:13-14

2009-08-03T09:26:00.000-05:00

But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: “Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”

Why do you want anything exposed? Because when it stays in the dark the problems grow and fester. They get uglier and uglier. The big problem is that you don’t see all this because it is in the dark. While things are hidden we think all is well. We think that there is nothing wrong. But just a little light shone on it exposes a lot. With Christ in your life, you can see all that ugliness. All the festered parts of your life. Why would you want that? Because only then, when you can actually see it, can it be cleaned up. Only then can you get rid of all the hurt, guilt, all the burdens, all the anxiety. Let Christ clean up the festering wound. Let the light shine in and before long all will be spotless and clean.

Luke 12:2-3

2009-07-31T09:04:00.001-05:00

There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known.

What you have said in the dark that will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs? These verses are not saying that all your darkest secrets are going to be on the front page of the local newspaper. They are not saying that they are not either. The intent of these words is to say that in reality you do nothing in secret. It is known and will eventually be made known to others. These verses were directed at the leaders of the religious community in Jesus’ day and it was to let them know that their lies and hypocrisy would eventually be exposed. Might not be today or tomorrow, but they would be exposed. Many of us live a life of lies. Most of them told to ourselves and those closest to us. Most of them about ourselves. We say that we don’t surf the web that much (only 18 hours a day), that we don’t eat much (just 24/7), that we can quit smoking anytime (though we crave it daily), that we only drink at social occasions (and in the backroom when no one is looking), punching our spouse happens rarely (every Friday night). These are not secrets that will stay hidden. They will be made known. Are you ready to make them known to yourself? Acknowledge what you do in secret and allow the light to shine on them to cleanse you of these and more.

Free Book

2009-07-28T22:20:00.001-05:00

Win a free copy of my book, A Gift for a Mouse.

Sign up at the www.redemptiontalesseries.com website as a member and be automatically entered for a chance to win a free copy.

Once a member, others can sign up and email in your name as a referral to enter your name even more times.

This contest ends on 8/1.

Spread the word.

Matthew 19:26

2009-07-27T22:47:00.001-05:00

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible.”

Familiar with facing impossible situations? There are so many situations that we find ourselves in that no human being could find their way out of. It can be financial, marriage, job-related, physical, mental. I’ll tell you an impossible story that happened recently. A boy that I grew up with was engaged and was having dinner with his fiancé. His acid reflux was worse than it ever was. So bad in fact, he asked her to take him to the hospital. They operated and found an almost black gall bladder. As they were taking it out, they discovered that one of his kidneys had some damage to it. Minutes later his aorta ruptured and began to fill his chest cavity. They rushed to repair damage. The doctor said that the odds were against him, maybe 1% of making it. He advised them to plan the funeral because he would not last the night if the next hour. The prayer chains kicked into high gear. That was 2 weeks ago. He is up walking around and will only lose two toes due to the circulation problem that arose because of it all. It was impossible. It was beyond impossible. But God thought it a piece of cake. He brought that young man back from death’s clutches and laughed in the Grim Reaper’s face. Never think that your situation is impossible. It might be for you and for others around you, but you are not God and neither are they. He has the power to do anything. Bring your situation to God, leave it at His feet, and let Him deal with it.

Jeremiah 30:17

2009-07-26T10:31:00.001-05:00

Jeremiah 30:17
But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,” declares the Lord, “because you are called an outcast, Zion for whom no one cares.”

Have you ever felt dejected, an outcast, abandoned? God, Himself, says that He will not only comfort you, but He will restore you and heal you. Don’t believe me? Listen to the testimonials of ones He has done just that for. He has done it for thousands and wants to do it for you. Don’t shake your head like that. He really can. He has cured others from addictions, abuse, past hurts, illnesses, and emotional damages. He has healed them. He has answered their calls of help, healed their wounds, and put them in positions of ministering to others. One well known one is Joyce Meyers. She suffered many things in her past including sexual abuse, divorce, and so many other emotional hurts. When she turned to God and cried out, He lifted her up. She is now one of the most well-known teachers of God’s Word and has a way to reach out and help others with their hurts. She is not an anomaly. She is one of many who He has touched and brought such strength, too. He can heal you. He can restore you. Are you ready?

Ephesians 4:25

2009-07-25T07:22:00.000-05:00

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

You need to be honest with yourself and with those around you. You need to look your loved ones in the eyes and tell them the truth about your burdens and about your successes. None of us are alone on an island in this life. We are one body and as such we greatly affect each other. When we confess to others, we are cleansing ourselves and building stronger bonds with others. You cannot have lies and undisclosed issues between you and others if you want close healthy relationships. Let us look at it from this standpoint. We have had a plane crash on a deserted island and we each have been given our jobs to help the group survive. My job is to monitor and ration fresh water. When the leader of the group asks me how the water supply is, what does it do to tell him that all is well when in reality it is getting low and I cannot find any other sources. I’m not the only one this would affect. I’m hurting others as bad as I am hurting myself. My actions, my falsehoods, go beyond my personal world. What lies are you telling yourself? What things can you be truthful about though it be painful and build the bond with those close to you?

2009-07-22T05:56:00.000-05:00

Genesis 3:7-8
Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.

Adam and Eve had disobeyed God. They had eaten of the fruit they knew was forbidden and they were ashamed. They were exposed and then they thought that they could hide from their closest friend, God. How many times do we do this? How often do we think that no one will know what we are doing? They’ll never know that we snuck that cigarette (though our hair holds the smell). They’ll never know that we can’t help but sneak a drink (though our breath betrays us). They’ll never know that we smoked a little weed (though our eyes are glazed). You cannot hide from God. He already knows. Admitting to Him is not going to shock Him. Admitting to yourself might be the hardest thing you do. We think that we are hiding it from others, but are we really hiding it from ourselves?

New Technology

2009-07-21T08:54:00.003-05:00

I was not raised in the age of computers. Though I love my laptop and can do many things, the virtual world is a whole new creature to me. I had the help of a friend in setting up my website and things, but we ran into a glitch. Whenever anyone wanted to order more than one book, it was charging them the shipping per book. That could get extremely high. For two weeks I fidgeted with it. Finally I found a forum where the issue was discussed and fixed it.

Because of that I'm extending the 5.99 sale through July 25th. After that it goes back up to 7.99.

I'm learning so much which is exciting and scary. But this old dog can learn a few new tricks.

Smoothing the Rough Edges and Growing

2009-06-30T09:43:00.002-05:00

God likes to help us learn. I was originally going to say that he likes to teach us lessons, but wanted to be more optimistic. I've been struggling lately just dealing with particular people. We cannot lie. There are just some people in this world that are hard (no, impossible) to get along with. None of us escape them. I was once told that God gives us sandpaper in our lives to smooth our rough edges. I do believe that. But what is rough about me that I see in these people? Am I just hiding from an issue that I need to address? The more I prayed the more I realized that it was not necessarily that I had those same characteristics (thank goodness), but more like I needed to grow in dealing with theirs. Can I change them? No. Only God can. But I can work on me. I can grow instead of focusing on their lack of growth and stopping my own progress.

God, You take care of them. You are much more creative than I am and much more impressionable. I'll focus on getting myself where I need to be. Just don't take too long :)

Devotion

2009-06-29T09:19:00.000-05:00

2 Peter 2:19

They promise them freedom, while they themselves are slaves of depravity – for a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him.

Do we really understand what freedom means? If I took a poll around your town, how many different answers would I get? “Freedom is when I get to do whatever I want.” “Freedom is not having to answer to anyone.” “Freedom is when I don’t have to follow rules.” “Freedom is being released from bondage.” But are we ever truly free? I don’t get to do “whatever” I want because there are laws in place to prevent me from doing that. I have to answer to the law, my parents, my boss….. I haven’t found a place yet where there are no rules for me to follow. Do we ever get rid of bondage even the bondage of TV, selfishness, arrogance? We are always slaves to something. There is always something that masters us. The first thing we need to do is find out what we are bound to, what do we call master. It could really be the TV. It could be our job, our relationships, a drink, a drug, food, satisfying any of our personal urges, being in control, money, being in the spotlight, always needing to be right, needing control of everything, depression…. The list could go on for 10 pages. Find that master of your life and evaluate if it is a truly good, merciful, and loving master. Does your master love you, desire only the best, do anything for you to protect you, is there for you at ALL times when everyone else abandons you? If you cannot say yes to every one of those, is that really who you want to call master? Find who your master is, evaluate their actions toward you. Then decide if you should stay bound there or find the most desirable and sacrificing master. There are other masters out there. But don’t just jump to another one so that you can brag that you took that leap and changed masters. You could be jumping from the fire into the inferno. Evaluate them all before choosing. Who does love you no matter what? Who guides you through the tough times? Who would die for you? Who already has? Before directing others to a life of your version of freedom, check your freedom barometer. Where does your “freedom” lie?

Focusing on Devotion

2009-06-28T06:49:00.002-05:00

Jeremiah 6:14
They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious. ‘peace, peace,’ they say, when there is no peace.

What happens when you have an injury and you just ignore it? It usually gets worse. Infection can set in. If it is still not addressed, gangrene and death could await you. All this could have happened from a small innocent cut on the finger. We do that in the other areas of our life, also. We pretend that we don’t have any problems. We find ways to make the ugly pretty so that we can bury our heads in the sand and pretend that it is all a rose garden. We ignore the beatings, the extra drink or two, the inappropriate touches, the persistent desire for more and more, the urge to express our anger instead of our love, the extra 6 helpings of food, the fact that we never exchange polite words in our marriage anymore, anything that is dragging us down and hurting us. We apply dressing to the wound instead of medicating and seeking the much needed help to prevent more serious side effects. We think we’ve got it covered and all looks good. But when there is war, and you refuse to say there is anything but peace, the whole world sees the bombs exploding behind you and the fires of destruction burning. We lie to those in front of us. But worse, we lie to ourselves. Stop! Look at your life and see where you are hurt. See where you have been ignoring a “small” cut that now is swollen and infection is residing. Find where you need the help that only God can give. Find where you cannot cure it and find the ultimate cure. Stop living a fantasy. Start living a strength filled eternity.

A Night to Appreciate

2009-06-27T10:15:00.002-05:00

Last night we had our weekly Friday meal and it was great. 25 people showed up which was our second highest number. There were 3 new people and everyone of them are planning on coming back next week for homemade ice cream. It was wonderful. Everyone seemed to have so much fun. And the number of kids there was high. Of that 25, 10 were kids. It was so much fun to see them all running around.

Sold three more books!! It is great. The second book, The Nightingale in the Garden, is with the illustrator now. The third book is in first draft mode. I'm hoping in a week or so review that one again before sending it to the editor. I have such a new found respect for writers as we go through so many versions and corrections.

Today's Devotional:

Matthew 5:3

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

This verse always bothered me. In reading it, I took it to mean that you had to have less faith or less of the Holy Spirit, if you could quantify it. But upon deeper study, I found that my use of the words were not the way the original message was intended. The Message interprets it in a way I get as “You’re blessed when you are at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.” The Amplified says that blessed are the humbled. That makes sense now! At the end of my rope…… I’ve been there many times. Kind of hang there sometimes, too. Never knowing where to go from here. Only seeing the abyss beneath me. That’s when I’m blessed? At the end of your rope, do you have any friends left to help you? Is there an escape plan waiting for you? By then, do you have the strength to swing to the edge of the cliff? What else is there left for you to figure out on your own? What else can you do? Notice what is emphasized in those last two questions. What can “YOU” do? It is only when we are at the end of our rope, or poor (humbled) spirit, do we stop looking inside at “ME” and begin looking up at HIM. That is when we can realize and confess that we cannot do anymore and that only He can. It is only then when we surrender unto Him and release into His capable hands. You are blessed when you get there because you know total helplessness and total crying out to your Father. It is not a matter of how much of the Holy Spirit you have, it is how humble you are to realize that YOU are not in control. That is when you become poor in spirit.

What a Wonderful Day!

2009-06-26T10:07:00.002-05:00

The devil got a black eye yesterday. Let's be honest, he got it 100 times over. Yesterday was a stellar day. It didn't start off so good. Work was frustrating. When you are trying to teach someone and they just don't get it no matter how simple you make it, it gets tiresome. Then the other half wasn't listening to me at all. So I began to go over the edge with it all. Then a guy walked in who had been struggling finding a job. He found one that morning and started today. What a praise! Then two people from another church showed up to help us clean up from a remodeling project. The blessings from that were amazing to see brothers and sisters join up and get a job done. Then later that night we held our Celebrate Recovery meeting and had one new person show up. She is already a believer and seemed to have enjoyed herself. She has no church home. That was another praise. Then during the small group time, a man who has only been coming a couple of weeks accepted Christ!!!!!! What more could we ask for? Then a friend of ours made several of her milestones which was a huge celebration. Someone else celebrated 9 months sobriety! This is great. Tonight we could conceivably have 30 people with all those that have expressed an interested. God is really pouring out His blessings on us after the week of attacks that we had last week. I even sold three more books in the last two days. I'm on cloud nine.

Article of the week - Apples - More Than a Pie

Baby Steps of Success

2009-06-25T09:02:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was kind of a blah day. Nothing bad happened, but all the things I wanted to happen just didn't go as planned. But at the end of the day, my phone blinked letting me know that I had an email. Since my computer was up, I just glanced at it to see what it was. It showed two messages. My phone said three. I refreshed my webpage and it still said two. I looked further at my phone at it was from the book email address and not my personal. I was so excited. It was an order!!!! That makes three books I've sold so far and the marketing is still barely existing. Some more well-known authors might laugh at the excitement I felt, but that one sell made my day. I was on cloud nine. Then my mind began to whirl and how to make it six books and then twelve and so on.

Yesterday I learned that I need to be patient and wait on God. It is not easy, and it is not fun. But it is SOOOOO worth it.

Devotion of the Day:

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Have you ever wished for pain and suffering to go away? Have you tired of dealing with it or putting on a strong face? I know I have. And in 2 Corinthians Paul was in the same boat. Paul! The man we at times put on a pedestal as one of the most holy of men. He struggled. He suffered. And he begged for relief. Many times God gave him relief. But this time, God said no. How can this be? It doesn’t make sense. But when God said no, he added that His very grace should be more than enough to get Paul through it. Maybe we need to look at what is grace. Grace is accepting consequences and the mercies all wrapped up in one bundle. An example I read was an illustration where a guy was speeding and slammed into a police car. He had to accept the consequences of a fine but he also had to accept the free coffee the policeman got him to help him calm down. Consequences and mercy all in one. Wow! We have to accept the consequences. They might be fines, embarrassments, loss of possessions, unemployment, jail, or sickness. But there is mercy in each of those if we just look. It could be a new friend, a chance to be a better parent, to learn new experiences, to see a different side of others, to understand those we hurt in the past. When we are weak, the power of God shines the brightest because we are not competing for the spotlight. Only His light can shine that bright. Paul accepted that answer and took it further by saying that now he was glad of whatever problem he was having. Glad? Yes, if it will cause the light of Christ to shine all the brighter and others see Him more clearly, then yes. When my father was diagnosed with liver cancer, so many people asked why. It just didn’t make sense to us. He had a history of heart problems not cancer. There was no cancer in our families. Heart problems plagued everyone and took all their lives. But God chose him to have cancer. Though it seemed a rapid way to die, it was slower than a heart attack would have been. As people watched how strong he was, they were amazed. His faith only grew. He knew there was a reason for the method of death. He discovered one of the reasons when a man, with whom he had been friends with for many decades, asked him to come over to talk about Jesus because he had to know about what drove my father’s faith. That 77 year old man accepted Christ that day. My father said that if that was the reason why he was given cancer, and he had to go through so many treatments, then he was glad to have been chosen. God’s grace. Accepting the results while accepting the blessings. How can you see God’s grace in the hardships you are facing? In the struggles you are enduring? In the conflicts that seem to be encompassing you? Open your eyes to what He is showing you. Open your eyes to His many mercies.

Marketing Frustration

2009-06-24T08:24:00.002-05:00

Ok, I have to admit that those that do successful marketing are not getting paid enough. I'm working on getting the book out there and get some sales. Nada is happening. This is very frustrating. I've sold two in the last two months. Now, that is not bad but it is disappointing. I'm not expecting to see hundreds sold, but a few extra would just help me (at least mentally).

The second book in the series is already at the illustrators. He should be done in a few months. Then back to the editor. I've got the third book done in first draft. I'll probably review it again in a few weeks. When you let things age, you see areas of improvement.

I've started work on a new series for older children. I've got the first two chapters done. I really need to concentrate to do it and with a house full, it is hard. I need to find a place to get away to so that I can find that quiet that I need for writing.

Lessons to Learn

2009-06-23T10:22:00.003-05:00

God has a sense of humor. He loves to see how we handle the brick walls we encounter that lead to our growth. We see them as major obstacles that cannot be overcome. He sees how short it really is and that with a little (ok, a lot) of patience we would see what He sees. Well, my brick wall yesterday about killed me (at least in my mind).

I work from home and right now the "regular" job is getting intense. I'm hourly so every moment counts if I want a decent paycheck. My computer decided that it wanted to act up. It kept shutting down and restarting. I did everything I knew to do. It did no good. I was so frustrated because all I could think of was not getting any work done on Tuesday. I was worried about what it would cost to fix it or if I would need a new one. Well, I finally breathed and realized that maybe this was God's way of telling me to relax. Take a night off work and actually go to bed on time. I did and God blessed me for listening to Him this time that when we went into the office the next day, my husband was able to fix it. I'm up and working which was a big relief. It was also a lesson to relax and let Him have control.

I'm not too old to learn. Thank goodness.

2009-06-22T08:56:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was a very full day. My husband preached in the morning at a sister church that has always welcomed us so warmly. After church we were invited to a house on a lake for lunch and the kids spent so much time in the water. Our youngest has been afraid of water since she was born. In the last two years she'll get in the water but that is about it. Yesterday she actually went tubing and would jump in the lake all by herself. I do belief our little one grew up some yesterday. The weather was just beautiful. Needless to say, the kids got a little sun exposure but they declared very loudly that it was worth it.

That evening we had our church service. Being a pioneer church plant, you'll find that you don't know if you will have 20 show up or none. Right now we don't have many that you can count on to be at every function. But last night we were very blessed to see 11 people. That might not sound like much to many out there, but when you are only reaching out to those who are looking at drinks, drugs, divorce, and so many other issues as the primary focus of their lives, this is a huge number. We saw one who fell off the wagon come back determined to do it this time. What a praise! We had a another show up when he could have been too embarrassed to ever show his face again. He is wanting another chance. These are the ones Jesus spent his time with. He didn't fixate on the "righteous". He sought those that had to hope in their lives. And that is what we are trying to emulate.

That is one of the reasons I started writing my Redemption Tales Series. We seem to put God in this box and we forget the wonder it felt to see Him and realize that He was doing it all for little unworthy me.

How to Start Out.....

2009-06-20T17:38:00.000-05:00

I was wondering how to start off blogging. Maybe I could talk about the challenge of learning new technology, or how I'm learning about search engines and keywords. I could even talk about the great guy who is helping me with the technology and doesn't laugh at my ignorance of it all. But, I discovered that that was not what was really wanting to jump out of me.

We are spending the night at a B&B on a lake. It is just beautiful. As the children were jumping in the water off the pier, I sat on the porch just savoring the quiet and light breeze. A chipmunk ran up to within a few feet of me and went to looking for any food we might have dropped. He was so cute, and not the least bit afraid of me. He then decided that I was stingy and went further into the lawn to see what he could find. He must have ventured too far when another chipmunk appeared running him off. They were romping in the grass and playing their version of hide and seek.

We can learn so much just by looking more closely at the world around us. I needed to relax a little more and have some fun. All this from a little own chipmunk.

I wonder what I could learn tomorrow?