I'm finding that I'm still growing up. I have so much to learn. I'm learning about myself, my family, and the others in my life. I'm finding that I'm just beginning to discover my dreams.
Growing up in lower Alabama I decided to become an accountant. Why? Because I could do the work and it was good money. Nowhere did my dreams or desires come into play. From an early age I loved history and learning. It wasn't until I was put into a position of teaching a Bible study did I fully discover my love to teach.
I felt so fulfilled when I was communicating truths to others and getting them to engage in lively discussion. Yet, I was still in a job that was dragging me down with all the stress that came with it. I eventually changed jobs but stayed in accounting. It only got better for a spell. I wanted to just teach yet I had to make money for the family. I continued in the job I had.
Depression set in as I desired to teach full-time and was stuck helping other people line their pockets. This was real frustrating. When we moved to northern Wisconsin I still kept my job and just traveled a lot. It got worse.
I eventually began working part time for a friend who unknowingly got me to writing. I found another passion deep within me that was never tapped in school. Through my writing I could teach. I could communicate to others and have fun doing it. I began to throw myself into my writing. Yet the desire to teach continued.
It wasn't long before the need to homeschool my children arose. I found so much fun in teaching them though my teaching is much better for adults. I lost my job due to the economy. Everywhere I looked accounting was forcing itself in my face. I wanted to cry. Yes, I could do it and do it well, but I hated it.
I had a dream and it seemed that the world was out to destroy it. I am by nature a shy person. Most people are able to walk all over me which is one of the reasons I am struggling with co-dependency. So, when it comes to following dreams I have to fight for them. I fight with myself, family, and the world to be able to see even a glimmer of my dreams. Why? Because the save road is to stay in accounting.
There are plenty of jobs in accounting. Writing is a gamble. It is like being a movie star or rock star. It is not a "sensible" way to earn a living. That usually comes from people who never got to achieve their own dreams either.
I am not guaranteed tomorrow. Today maybe my last day on earth. What good does it benefit me to let my dreams be directed by others? If I try writing and fail what did I lose? Nothing. In failing I gain a lot. I gain a little freedom in doing something on my own. I gain a few moments of following my dream. If I am successful, I gain self-confidence and of course my dream.
I'm learning that I can stand on my own two feet and make my own decisions. I do not have to follow the safe route just because others direct me to. God does not give us dreams only to deny them to us. He just asks that we do it in His time.
I want to write. I will stay up all night long to get it done. I want to go back to school. I am realistic enough to know that it won't happen this year, but next year there is a chance. I want to teach. I am going to look for every available opportunity and I'm going to teach.
The world is not going to force me into a mold and tie me down. Those around me are not going to keep me in their depression and sense of failure. I am me! I am not them! I am a child of God called to a duty and I will follow! My dreams are given to me by God and He will make a way. I need to be willing to go through the door. Lord, here am I. Send me!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Finding Out About Yourself
Lately I've been really learning more about myself. Some of it not too pretty. Some of it exciting. I'm learning that I take friendship very seriously. I get hurt very easily when friends abandon me. A friend should be a friend at all times and not just when it is sunny.
I had someone that I would easily describe as the closest person ever in my life. She knew things about me that no one else did. I thought that we were soul sisters. Until she decided that her old way of living was better and turned viciously on me. She accused me of judging her and thinking bad things of her. Nothing I said penetrated her wall. She was shoving me out of her life. The pain I felt was horrible. My heart was being ripped into. It took me a year to get over the pain. To be accused falsely of things by someone so close is extremely hurtful. You don't just shrug it off. I swore that no one would ever get that close to me again. But God generally has different plans.
I have a friend that I would describe as even closer. I know that I can tell her things in confidence. She is so warm and caring. I've learned that friendship is a risk as well as a blessing. But is something that both sides want, too. I have a friend now that God has placed in my life to help me through tough times. He has given me a blessing.
Learning about yourself can only happen through experiences. When we go through them, the way we respond reflects our hearts. I responded with hurt because it was something very important to me. I didn't think that friendship was that vital as so many friends had come and gone over the years. This was the one time I really brought someone in close and I got hurt. But I can accept that. I know more me. Therefore, I've learned a lot more about friendships.
I had someone that I would easily describe as the closest person ever in my life. She knew things about me that no one else did. I thought that we were soul sisters. Until she decided that her old way of living was better and turned viciously on me. She accused me of judging her and thinking bad things of her. Nothing I said penetrated her wall. She was shoving me out of her life. The pain I felt was horrible. My heart was being ripped into. It took me a year to get over the pain. To be accused falsely of things by someone so close is extremely hurtful. You don't just shrug it off. I swore that no one would ever get that close to me again. But God generally has different plans.
I have a friend that I would describe as even closer. I know that I can tell her things in confidence. She is so warm and caring. I've learned that friendship is a risk as well as a blessing. But is something that both sides want, too. I have a friend now that God has placed in my life to help me through tough times. He has given me a blessing.
Learning about yourself can only happen through experiences. When we go through them, the way we respond reflects our hearts. I responded with hurt because it was something very important to me. I didn't think that friendship was that vital as so many friends had come and gone over the years. This was the one time I really brought someone in close and I got hurt. But I can accept that. I know more me. Therefore, I've learned a lot more about friendships.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
He Made Her Laugh
I was just sitting on my bed a few minutes ago looking over a couple of websites. My son and youngest daughter were playing video games. They began as usual arguing. I began to reprimand them and then remembered what a friend of mine said about raising her own kids. As long as they were fighting, they were learning to interact and would in the end be closer for it. I bit my tongue and prayed she was right. It wasn't like they were knocking out teeth or something so drastic. They were just bickering.
I tried to hide myself in the virtual world as it continued. No telling how bad it would be if their older sister was there. Then out of the clear blue, the bickering stopped. Victoria was giggling to the point that I thought she would wet her pants. Gasping, she told her brother, "You make me laugh." They both broke into a fit of giggles.
In an effort to have my children be just like me as I grew up and for me to handle things exactly like my mother, I was not allowing them to be themselves or me to be me. Life has its conflicts. How else are they going to learn to solve them? They have to work it out themselves. I don't want to be the meddlesome mother who has to dictate every aspect of their life. I want them to be strong confident adults and unknowingly I was holding them back from doing just that.
We all need to step back and re-evaluate how we handle things. We need to see if we are too blinded by the forest to see the individual young saplings trying to reach the sky. How blind could we be in our own lives!
I'm thankful God has placed people in my life who are not controlling or bossy, but help pass on words of wisdom just by the actions in their own lives. Thank you, Kathy.
I tried to hide myself in the virtual world as it continued. No telling how bad it would be if their older sister was there. Then out of the clear blue, the bickering stopped. Victoria was giggling to the point that I thought she would wet her pants. Gasping, she told her brother, "You make me laugh." They both broke into a fit of giggles.
In an effort to have my children be just like me as I grew up and for me to handle things exactly like my mother, I was not allowing them to be themselves or me to be me. Life has its conflicts. How else are they going to learn to solve them? They have to work it out themselves. I don't want to be the meddlesome mother who has to dictate every aspect of their life. I want them to be strong confident adults and unknowingly I was holding them back from doing just that.
We all need to step back and re-evaluate how we handle things. We need to see if we are too blinded by the forest to see the individual young saplings trying to reach the sky. How blind could we be in our own lives!
I'm thankful God has placed people in my life who are not controlling or bossy, but help pass on words of wisdom just by the actions in their own lives. Thank you, Kathy.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
The Stubbornness Around Us and In Us
I have someone I know that is one of the most stubborn people I have ever met and I have met many a stubborn person! This one girl has got to top them off.
She has put herself into a situation that is not morally right. Her response to it all is to justify it from every angle. When her reasoning is swept away, she gets accusatory and claims that everyone is judging her. Though we are not judging and are trying to show her the huge mess she is placing herself in, the point I want to focus on today is her stubborn streak.
No matter what is shown to her, no matter who talks to her who have been there and done that, no matter how bad it gets, she wants it all her way. She wants approval from everyone. She wants it all.
Are we always like that? Yes, I said "we". How many times do we demand our way? You might not be vocal about it, but you still do it. We want God to follow our plan instead of us following His.
As I was ministering to this young girl, I felt God telling me that though I was telling her correctly, I needed to also bring some of it home. I needed to be more focused on Him too, and let Him guide me.
When we minister to others, are we listening to the words, too? Are we following the same advice? Something we can all look deeper into.
She has put herself into a situation that is not morally right. Her response to it all is to justify it from every angle. When her reasoning is swept away, she gets accusatory and claims that everyone is judging her. Though we are not judging and are trying to show her the huge mess she is placing herself in, the point I want to focus on today is her stubborn streak.
No matter what is shown to her, no matter who talks to her who have been there and done that, no matter how bad it gets, she wants it all her way. She wants approval from everyone. She wants it all.
Are we always like that? Yes, I said "we". How many times do we demand our way? You might not be vocal about it, but you still do it. We want God to follow our plan instead of us following His.
As I was ministering to this young girl, I felt God telling me that though I was telling her correctly, I needed to also bring some of it home. I needed to be more focused on Him too, and let Him guide me.
When we minister to others, are we listening to the words, too? Are we following the same advice? Something we can all look deeper into.
Time in the Desert
When God is preparing you for something, He usually puts your through some tough training. When He knows that the battle will intensify and you might find yourself sinking in the waves, He takes you out there a few days (or weeks) before the battle to get you familiar with the terrain and the pressure. He is a general that wants His soldiers 500% ready for battle. I just came out of another period of basic training. God wanted my faith stronger and my walk with Him deeper.
I woke up one morning and everything seemed against me. There was nothing obviously going on. I could just feel it. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. My family was in a crisis and everyone was turning on the other. Fingers were being pointed. What had happened was a break down in communication and when that happens nothing but disaster can result. My children felt alone and neglected. Why? Because we were running here and there and always on the phone or with people. They did not feel like they were important to us. Normally, I would say that we need to just pull back and discuss it all. But instead, everything went into chaos central.
Too much had been pent up and it exploded. As fingers pointed deep issues rose to the surface. What sent me into the desert? A feeling of desertion and abandonment. I honestly felt like God was abandoning me. I had worked solid for 16 years and sometimes took on two jobs to pay the bills and put my husband through school and allow him time to work for God. When I thought that I was to achieve the dream to spend more time at home and pursuing some of my own dreams including going back to school, every door kept slamming against me. Not just slamming. It was ricocheting. Why couldn't I achieve any of my dreams?
Ok, I had published a book but it seemed to be going nowhere. I was new to this marketing thing. I have trouble bragging about my own things. When I sat down to write, everyone demanded my attention. We had agreed that I would have specific quiet time each day to do some writing and Bible study. I could not get anyone to remember that. Another one of my dreams is to go back to school for history and/or religious studies and then teach. I am a learner at heart and I crave it. I cannot find it much around here. Most people I know don't care. They are not driven to learn. Why was this part of my desert?
I had to go back to work for a few weeks to help make ends meet. Back into the accounting world. The blessing in this besides the check is that I work for a great couple of Christians and the environment is nothing that the corporate world has ever offered me. But then my husband got an online teaching job and is teaching. Wait! That was my dream. I wanted to do that. What is up, God? Why can't I get there? What is stopping me? I went straight into a major funk.
My husband could not understand at first that I was feeling like a complete failure. I couldn't do anything right. Where was the confirmations I needed that I was doing what God wanted me to do? Was I totally on the wrong path? Looked like it. It took several days before we were both calm enough to talk and I had the energy to do so. The depression was huge.
Only then could I get him and my children to understand what was happening. I felt that I was useless and nothing mattered. My life was to be spent making money for them and doing whatever they asked of me. My
I woke up one morning and everything seemed against me. There was nothing obviously going on. I could just feel it. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. My family was in a crisis and everyone was turning on the other. Fingers were being pointed. What had happened was a break down in communication and when that happens nothing but disaster can result. My children felt alone and neglected. Why? Because we were running here and there and always on the phone or with people. They did not feel like they were important to us. Normally, I would say that we need to just pull back and discuss it all. But instead, everything went into chaos central.
Too much had been pent up and it exploded. As fingers pointed deep issues rose to the surface. What sent me into the desert? A feeling of desertion and abandonment. I honestly felt like God was abandoning me. I had worked solid for 16 years and sometimes took on two jobs to pay the bills and put my husband through school and allow him time to work for God. When I thought that I was to achieve the dream to spend more time at home and pursuing some of my own dreams including going back to school, every door kept slamming against me. Not just slamming. It was ricocheting. Why couldn't I achieve any of my dreams?
Ok, I had published a book but it seemed to be going nowhere. I was new to this marketing thing. I have trouble bragging about my own things. When I sat down to write, everyone demanded my attention. We had agreed that I would have specific quiet time each day to do some writing and Bible study. I could not get anyone to remember that. Another one of my dreams is to go back to school for history and/or religious studies and then teach. I am a learner at heart and I crave it. I cannot find it much around here. Most people I know don't care. They are not driven to learn. Why was this part of my desert?
I had to go back to work for a few weeks to help make ends meet. Back into the accounting world. The blessing in this besides the check is that I work for a great couple of Christians and the environment is nothing that the corporate world has ever offered me. But then my husband got an online teaching job and is teaching. Wait! That was my dream. I wanted to do that. What is up, God? Why can't I get there? What is stopping me? I went straight into a major funk.
My husband could not understand at first that I was feeling like a complete failure. I couldn't do anything right. Where was the confirmations I needed that I was doing what God wanted me to do? Was I totally on the wrong path? Looked like it. It took several days before we were both calm enough to talk and I had the energy to do so. The depression was huge.
Only then could I get him and my children to understand what was happening. I felt that I was useless and nothing mattered. My life was to be spent making money for them and doing whatever they asked of me. My
Sunday, March 7, 2010
This Birthday is for my Father
Just one more year and I'll be the big 40. I'm not ashamed of it nor scared of it. I'm proud of it.
This year was great because for the first time I had friends who just wanted to let me know that they care. I had a great party, beautiful gifts, and sneaky friends who booked a hotel room for my husband and I to escape to. It has been great. But there is something slightly missing. My dad's off-key rendition of "Happy Birthday".
I was born at 8:30 at night. From the time I left for college and was usually away from home on my birthday, my father and mother would call me at exactly 8:30pm. He would begin singing and I would laugh. He couldn't carry a tune in a bucket.
My 32nd birthday rolled around and the call did not come and the singing was now for God. Each birthday has been hard since then as I see the clock strike me another year older and I miss his voice. This has made each March 7th hard for me.
Most people would think that holidays and Father's Day would be hard for me. But they do not effect me that much. It is my birthday and his (my daughter was born on his birthday) that brings out the selfish tears of missing him.
I cannot stand when people trumpet their birthday weeks before it actually occurs. So many demand attention on that day. Me? I would rather it be forgotten. I take this day to remember my Dad and remember the lessons he taught me and to honor him.
He was a great man. Oh, he had faults. Many of them frustrated us like nobody's business. But he had a heart. If there was somebody in need, he tried to meet it. He would feed more people who were holding the sign "Will work for food" on the side of the road than you could imagine. He made sure the minister at his church was taken care of. He was a deacon who took the job seriously.
Dad valued education. He wanted to make sure that each of his children received a good education and made something of their lives. We've done pretty good. All of us have received our degrees and are able to stand on our own two feet.
Dad raised us in the church. He made sure that we learned basic Bible truths and was able to watch us all become a part of a church home and raise our children in the Word.
What more could a father ask for? I hope that each time I stand on the Word, teach my children, and look for those in need that I honor my father as well as our Father.
Dad, I would love to be where you are - at the feet of Jesus. But until then I will strive to continue down the path you directed me. I want to take the good you gave and continue giving. Dad, thank you for the horrible birthday songs and the love you gave. Thank you for the generosity and teachings that you gave. May our actions and our love honor you throughout our lives and even generations later.
This year was great because for the first time I had friends who just wanted to let me know that they care. I had a great party, beautiful gifts, and sneaky friends who booked a hotel room for my husband and I to escape to. It has been great. But there is something slightly missing. My dad's off-key rendition of "Happy Birthday".
I was born at 8:30 at night. From the time I left for college and was usually away from home on my birthday, my father and mother would call me at exactly 8:30pm. He would begin singing and I would laugh. He couldn't carry a tune in a bucket.
My 32nd birthday rolled around and the call did not come and the singing was now for God. Each birthday has been hard since then as I see the clock strike me another year older and I miss his voice. This has made each March 7th hard for me.
Most people would think that holidays and Father's Day would be hard for me. But they do not effect me that much. It is my birthday and his (my daughter was born on his birthday) that brings out the selfish tears of missing him.
I cannot stand when people trumpet their birthday weeks before it actually occurs. So many demand attention on that day. Me? I would rather it be forgotten. I take this day to remember my Dad and remember the lessons he taught me and to honor him.
He was a great man. Oh, he had faults. Many of them frustrated us like nobody's business. But he had a heart. If there was somebody in need, he tried to meet it. He would feed more people who were holding the sign "Will work for food" on the side of the road than you could imagine. He made sure the minister at his church was taken care of. He was a deacon who took the job seriously.
Dad valued education. He wanted to make sure that each of his children received a good education and made something of their lives. We've done pretty good. All of us have received our degrees and are able to stand on our own two feet.
Dad raised us in the church. He made sure that we learned basic Bible truths and was able to watch us all become a part of a church home and raise our children in the Word.
What more could a father ask for? I hope that each time I stand on the Word, teach my children, and look for those in need that I honor my father as well as our Father.
Dad, I would love to be where you are - at the feet of Jesus. But until then I will strive to continue down the path you directed me. I want to take the good you gave and continue giving. Dad, thank you for the horrible birthday songs and the love you gave. Thank you for the generosity and teachings that you gave. May our actions and our love honor you throughout our lives and even generations later.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
How Selfish We Are
I think that we all can agree that human nature gravitates toward being selfish extremely easy. The last couple of days has made me realize how deep that selfishness is and how most people do not want to change.
The phone rings and rings. My husband tells me that it is the same person who has called about eight times already today. Why? Every time they have a single thought about something, they have to call and share. Whenever they get upset over anything no matter how small it is, they have to call. In fact, if he does not answer immediately each and every time, they go ballistic. When they see us again, they begin loudly asking why we never answer the phone and that they needed us. Problem is they think they own us.
I've noticed more and more how people are selfish about the attention they get. If they want to talk to you right now, it has to be right now. They do not care that you are in the ER with your child. It does not matter to them that you are in a meeting at work. All they care about is that they want you now. That is all they see.
Why are we like that? Why do we think that we are the only people on earth who matter? How horribly selfish we are!
The scenario that I have described might sound extreme and could only be the rare situation. Let me count the ones in my own life that is like that.... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 15..... Shall I go on? They are family members, friends, neighbors, and coworkers.
I began to look at myself and my selfish acts. I do not tend to go the route of calling someone all the time and demanding their attention. I'm more selfish in my time. Why? Because I never get any and have to fight for it. But in the end I can be very selfish there. I want my time. I want the day planned my way. Ouch! Those stinking verses from James just hit me in the head. See how selfish I can be?
I remember the phrase, "God puts sandpaper in your life to smooth your rough edges." I guess I have a lot of edges to smooth :)
The phone rings and rings. My husband tells me that it is the same person who has called about eight times already today. Why? Every time they have a single thought about something, they have to call and share. Whenever they get upset over anything no matter how small it is, they have to call. In fact, if he does not answer immediately each and every time, they go ballistic. When they see us again, they begin loudly asking why we never answer the phone and that they needed us. Problem is they think they own us.
I've noticed more and more how people are selfish about the attention they get. If they want to talk to you right now, it has to be right now. They do not care that you are in the ER with your child. It does not matter to them that you are in a meeting at work. All they care about is that they want you now. That is all they see.
Why are we like that? Why do we think that we are the only people on earth who matter? How horribly selfish we are!
The scenario that I have described might sound extreme and could only be the rare situation. Let me count the ones in my own life that is like that.... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 15..... Shall I go on? They are family members, friends, neighbors, and coworkers.
I began to look at myself and my selfish acts. I do not tend to go the route of calling someone all the time and demanding their attention. I'm more selfish in my time. Why? Because I never get any and have to fight for it. But in the end I can be very selfish there. I want my time. I want the day planned my way. Ouch! Those stinking verses from James just hit me in the head. See how selfish I can be?
I remember the phrase, "God puts sandpaper in your life to smooth your rough edges." I guess I have a lot of edges to smooth :)
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