Time in the Desert

When God is preparing you for something, He usually puts your through some tough training. When He knows that the battle will intensify and you might find yourself sinking in the waves, He takes you out there a few days (or weeks) before the battle to get you familiar with the terrain and the pressure. He is a general that wants His soldiers 500% ready for battle. I just came out of another period of basic training. God wanted my faith stronger and my walk with Him deeper.

I woke up one morning and everything seemed against me. There was nothing obviously going on. I could just feel it. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. My family was in a crisis and everyone was turning on the other. Fingers were being pointed. What had happened was a break down in communication and when that happens nothing but disaster can result. My children felt alone and neglected. Why? Because we were running here and there and always on the phone or with people. They did not feel like they were important to us. Normally, I would say that we need to just pull back and discuss it all. But instead, everything went into chaos central.

Too much had been pent up and it exploded. As fingers pointed deep issues rose to the surface. What sent me into the desert? A feeling of desertion and abandonment. I honestly felt like God was abandoning me. I had worked solid for 16 years and sometimes took on two jobs to pay the bills and put my husband through school and allow him time to work for God. When I thought that I was to achieve the dream to spend more time at home and pursuing some of my own dreams including going back to school, every door kept slamming against me. Not just slamming. It was ricocheting. Why couldn't I achieve any of my dreams?

Ok, I had published a book but it seemed to be going nowhere. I was new to this marketing thing. I have trouble bragging about my own things. When I sat down to write, everyone demanded my attention. We had agreed that I would have specific quiet time each day to do some writing and Bible study. I could not get anyone to remember that. Another one of my dreams is to go back to school for history and/or religious studies and then teach. I am a learner at heart and I crave it. I cannot find it much around here. Most people I know don't care. They are not driven to learn. Why was this part of my desert?

I had to go back to work for a few weeks to help make ends meet. Back into the accounting world. The blessing in this besides the check is that I work for a great couple of Christians and the environment is nothing that the corporate world has ever offered me. But then my husband got an online teaching job and is teaching. Wait! That was my dream. I wanted to do that. What is up, God? Why can't I get there? What is stopping me? I went straight into a major funk.

My husband could not understand at first that I was feeling like a complete failure. I couldn't do anything right. Where was the confirmations I needed that I was doing what God wanted me to do? Was I totally on the wrong path? Looked like it. It took several days before we were both calm enough to talk and I had the energy to do so. The depression was huge.

Only then could I get him and my children to understand what was happening. I felt that I was useless and nothing mattered. My life was to be spent making money for them and doing whatever they asked of me. My