Finding Yourself

It seems that we spend our whole lives trying to find ourselves. As young children, we struggle with discipline because we want to explore. As teenagers, we desire to know our entire future and to become adults. As young adults, we struggle with what society wants from us and the stirrings of our soul. This only increases with each decade. The closer we approach middle age, the  more we look within and try to find who we really are and not what everyone wants us to be. Toward the end of our lives, we will have come to two places. Either we gave up and followed the dictates of society and opinion, or we found ourselves and defied the world.

I am right in the middle of the approach to middle age. A few years back, I began to struggle with how everyone wanted me to be. Each person had their own opinions. Every segment of society demanded something different. I was to be the working woman who showed the men that she could do a better job than them. At the same time, I was to be the homemaker who took care of her family and put them first. I was to be the obedient daughter yet the dutiful wife. I was to follow my Lord while being directed by my elders. I was around 32 when I realized that I could not be everything that everyone wanted. I was being pulled in every direction. Where one path was opened for me, someone pulled me down a different one and another person took me to a different one. Then I was judged for not meeting all criteria and being perfect in every way.

When one struggles with their soul, they find that there is a wealth of pain that comes with it. As you question the situation you find yourself in, many turn on you and even abandon you. Pain of lost friendships or familial relationships cut deep into the heart. Doubt and anger at one's self creep in and threaten to consume you. This becomes a pivotal part of your growth. Do you give up and go back to the way things were? Or do you fight on because you know something lies in front of you that contains the happiness you long for?

I decided to fight on. The pain deepened. Separation from many loved ones occurred. Why? In one area of my life, I challenged the theory that as a woman I had to do all and be perfect at the same time. Who says I have to cook a full meal everyday? Why can't sandwiches work as I was required to work late? I was condemned for not being the happy homemaker while being praised for putting in so much time at work and achieving well with raises and promotions. If I took time to spend with the family, I was reprimanded for the job not coming first.

In another area, I challenged the authorities in my life. I was raised in the church and to follow God. Yet, whenever I felt Him guiding me in one direction, those around me criticized and derided me for those same actions. To be the obedient woman, I gave into those around me until I realized that I would not be answering to them come Judgment Day. I would be answering to God. This came to a head with our families when we were called to help strangers from another land and we were called by God to move to another location far away. At one point, I respectfully informed my parent that I was listening to my true Father and not any earthly parent. Only His direction was sure and true and if they did not like this then they were to take it up with Him. The sad part is that the bitterness was then not only directed at me but at God as well.

When I made life changes in my career, very few supported me. I was not doing the "right" thing. How correct they were! I was doing something that made me happy. Not everything in life is logical. The happiest times of our lives can be because we took the most illogical steps and found ourselves.

Have I found myself? Not completely, but I have found parts of me that God had placed in the package he called Rebecca but was buried by all around me. I'm exploring them. I'm testing the waters. I'm loving it. I'm not perfect. I'm not just a homemaker. I'm not just a career woman. I'm not just a child. I'm not just a mother. I am all of these and more but in a unique package of me.

I plan on finding more of myself and defying the world. I plan on being all that God wants me to be.