Still Growing Up

I'm finding that I'm still growing up.  I have so much to learn.  I'm learning about myself, my family, and the others in my life.  I'm finding that I'm just beginning to discover my dreams.

Growing up in lower Alabama I decided to become an accountant.  Why?  Because I could do the work and it was good money.  Nowhere did my dreams or desires come into play.  From an early age I loved history and learning.  It wasn't until I was put into a position of teaching a Bible study did I fully discover my love to teach.

I felt so fulfilled when I was communicating truths to others and getting them to engage in lively discussion.  Yet, I was still in a job that was dragging me down with all the stress that came with it.  I eventually changed jobs but stayed in accounting.  It only got better for a spell.  I wanted to just teach yet I had to make money for the family.  I continued in the job I had. 

Depression set in as I desired to teach full-time and was stuck helping other people line their pockets.  This was real frustrating.  When we moved to northern Wisconsin I still kept my job and just traveled a lot.  It got worse. 

I eventually began working part time for a friend who unknowingly got me to writing.  I found another passion deep within me that was never tapped in school.  Through my writing I could teach.  I could communicate to others and have fun doing it.  I began to throw myself into my writing.  Yet the desire to teach continued.

It wasn't long before the need to homeschool my children arose.  I found so much fun in teaching them though my teaching is much better for adults.  I lost my job due to the economy.  Everywhere I looked accounting was forcing itself in my face.  I wanted to cry.  Yes, I could do it and do it well, but I hated it. 

I had a dream and it seemed that the world was out to destroy it.  I am by nature a shy person.  Most people are able to walk all over me which is one of the reasons I am struggling with co-dependency.  So, when it comes to following dreams I have to fight for them.  I fight with myself, family, and the world to be able to see even a glimmer of my dreams.  Why?  Because the save road is to stay in accounting.

There are plenty of jobs in accounting.  Writing is a gamble.  It is like being a movie star or rock star.  It is not a "sensible" way to earn a living.  That usually comes from people who never got to achieve their own dreams either.

I am not guaranteed tomorrow.  Today maybe my last day on earth.  What good does it benefit me to let my dreams be directed by others?  If I try writing and fail what did I lose?  Nothing.  In failing I gain a lot.  I gain a little freedom in doing something on my own.  I gain a few moments of following my dream.  If I am successful, I gain self-confidence and of course my dream.

I'm learning that I can stand on my own two feet and make my own decisions.  I do not have to follow the safe route just because others direct me to.  God does not give us dreams only to deny them to us.  He just asks that we do it in His time.

I want to write.  I will stay up all night long to get it done.  I want to go back to school.  I am realistic enough to know that it won't happen this year, but next year there is a chance.  I want to teach.  I am going to look for every available opportunity and I'm going to teach.

The world is not going to force me into a mold and tie me down.  Those around me are not going to keep me in their depression and sense of failure.  I am me!  I am not them!  I am a child of God called to a duty and I will follow!  My dreams are given to me by God and He will make a way.  I need to be willing to go through the door.  Lord, here am I.  Send me!