A Whole New Me

I've been in the desert if you haven't noticed.  Really began to question myself spiritually.  Feeling totally abandoned.  Shoot, I was downright angry.  Then the kid gloves came off, and He got my attention.

I was watching John Bevere's, The Bait of Satan.  I had seen this portion of the video months before and it was under different circumstances, so I had applied it to those.  Now, John's words screamed at me.  Actually, it was the voice of God through this man.


He was discussing what really happens when we worry and do not have faith in God.  We are in truth telling God that He is incompetent and that we could do better.  We are saying that He doesn't have the power to fix anything. 

He then continued with a funny section that though funny was the kicker.  He enacted a scene of what heaven must be like if God really is the way we create Him to be when things don't go right.


God says, "Jesus, oh no!  What are we going to do?  Adam lost his job.  Are there any others?  Did we see that coming?  What are we going to do?  That wasn't foreseen!"

Did God know I would face certain things?  Of course.  Did He set wringing His hands?  No.  He knew what was coming and was prepared.  Then why do I act like He was not?  Why do I doubt what will happen next?  Why do I always believe the worst?

I got angry at God because everything was going wrong.  I had a dream and a plan.  The problem was that it was not His.  When that dream was taken away, I fought.  I kicked and I screamed.  I got downright angry.  Time after time, He seemed wrench things from me.  Unbeknownest to me,  I was trying to direct my life and not let Him.  I was arrogant enough to think I knew best.  If I knew so well, why was my world crumbling around me?

I always wanted to teach.  Every time we set up a study, no one would show up.  I'm not kidding.  No one would show up.  I longed to teach and thought He was directing me down that path, yet every door that was open from a distance closed. 

I wanted to go back to school, yet each time I began to step through the open door, it slammed in my face and knocked me on my rear.

I wanted to learn and grow, yet everyone blocked that.  Most of the women I knew didn't want to talk about deep spiritual issues.  They wanted to gossip.  I tried to join the men, yet I was the lowly woman and too many was pushed aside.

So my only purpose in life was to go to various jobs that I deep down hated and line someone else's pockets?  I was to have no dreams at all?  I was to cease to really exist?

I began to find an outlet and a purpose in my writing.  People seemed to enjoy it.  I was actually beginning to feel alive.  Then, I found myself in the middle of the Sahara.

My husband got an online college teaching job.  I was so happy, yet I hated  him.  Here, I longed to teach.  I had worked long hours so he could go to school and get various degrees.  Here he was living my dream.  How could God be so cruel to me?

I came out of it eventually, until my husband and my children wanted no more homeschooling.  The final blow.  My alive and beating heart was totally wrenched out of my chest and laid on the altar as my soul shriveled up and died.  I couldn't even teach my kids.  I was rejected at every turn.  I could do nothing right.  Was there really a God if He would do this to me?

I wished to die at that point.  I wanted to scream and howl at the top of my lungs.  I was dead.  I could not pray.  I truly began to believe that God was nowhere.  He had left me and had used me.

Slowly, through the aid of a few friends who unknowingly helped guide me through the darkened hallway of life, I began to see beyond all those closed doors and discovered one that had once been nailed shut opening ever so slowly.

There was a plan.  Just because things did not happen the way I wanted on my table did not mean that God did not exist or that He was playing a cruel trick on me.  What arrogance on my part!  I thought that I was in control of my life and that my plan was the best.  Now, I am God?  Can I control the winds and the waves?  Can I raise people from the dead?  Who did I think I was?


It is not about me.  I cannot say it enough.  It is not about me.  I am not the center of this universe.  I am not the center of anything but my own self pity.

Who do I think I am?  A few days ago, obviously God.  Today?  A very humbled servant who cannot beg enough for the forgiveness of a Father who will not hesitate to love and forgive.