I have been a little MIA lately, and for that I apologize. The last few months have been some of the darkest of my life. I just completely dropped the majority of my online activity during that time including this site. My self-confidence, self-esteem, and even my faith were torn apart. I had never felt so empty and alone.

In truth, it began back in February. A few of posts show that I was depressed. Much changed in my life. I came out of that small trip through the desert and immediately returned a few months later. What happened? I realized that I was completely alone.

My husband is ADD which means that he is here, there, and everywhere at every moment of the day. It is hard enough getting his attention and keeping it without others distracting him. With that said, he has a job that keeps him hopping. There is no set time when someone has an emergency and needs him. The problem arose when it became 24/7. If he wanted to have dinner with his wife for the first time in three months, people actually got angry that he was not available to them at that minute. Around the same time, I was informed my two people that being a minister, he had to put family behind everything else. If that was the case, then I did not want this life anymore. I married a man who was to love, honor, and cherish. I now had a stranger that kept pushing me back and back into the closet. How was that biblical? It is not. Even the Bible says that if a man cannot run his family, then he cannot run the work for God with success.

Surprisingly, this was not what sent me into the abyss. It was a friend. I turned to one of the few friends I have here and tried to get my feelings out in a safe place. When I finished, the knife entered my chest. I was told that I was wrong to expect him to ignore others for me. I was wrong to want to have any part of him to myself. I was the one hurting the marriage. From their viewpoint, I was the one doing nothing and causing the problems. In the same breath, they said that they could not be at church anymore because having so many activities was pulling her from her family. My heart ripped apart. Where was the hope in any of that?

That day I walked away. I walked away from people. I quit going to most activities. I hated being around everyone and pretending to put a smile on my face. I even suggested divorce. I could not stay this way or I would just die.

Then blows came even harder. The first was from a “Christian” man who began to slander us and treat his son in a nasty and downright evil way. He criticized our Christian walk despite his actions. Within a week, I had begun working with a Christian woman on some freelance work. She bailed on me and left me hanging on three assignments. I almost lost all my freelance income because I trusted her word. Instead, I was left alone again. This is how Christians should act?

I had had enough. Everywhere I turned, I was met with hostility, lies, and condemnation and that was only from the ones that go to church. I gave up on church. I tried going a couple of times, and I actually threw up from the disgust I felt from watching people smile and talk to each other and then backstab and be nasty about those same people during the week. I realized why Jesus was so hard on the Pharisees and called them a brood of vipers and white-washed walls. That is what church at become to me. In my darkest hour, not one person sought to help me. Not one person answered my plea for help. I was told to deal with it or I was ignored completely.

I got to thinking. Who do I have to talk to? Who do I have to confide in? Not one blessed soul! No one. I could go to this person, but they would criticize me instead of listen. This other person would let me know that I was wrong in my feelings. Another would run and tell everybody in town about it. There was no one.

Do you know what it is like to realize that you are completely alone in this world? That if you died today and someone asked people questions about your life, that they would very little to tell? I sat back and realized that no one person on this planet knows me. They have no desire to know me. They think they do, but they are so far off the mark. Not one person asks how my writing is going or comments on the pieces. (I have to correct that a little. My mother-in-law periodically shoots me an email about how well a piece was which warms my heart.) No one asks me about school. No one is interested in my thoughts, actions, or feelings. The things I enjoy the most and are passions in my life, no one shares with me. I get more responses from the virtual world than I do from those that should love me the most.

Divorce was suggested. I told my husband that I could not live knowing that I was nothing to him. I could not go on. Everybody wanted him, they could have him. I would find some place to live since there was no one to go to. It got his attention. He realized that he was going off and leaving me at every step. I was a thousand miles from my family and had not one close friend in town. The depression was deep because there was no outlet. There was no support. I had felt that God had abandoned me.

My husband came back to me. I think we are more in love than ever. He stops and gives me a kiss for no reason. That one act can make my day. Now, if we are having the first alone time that day, he will let the person leave a message. He lets me know that he loves me. Now, I have very little resentment in him going off to work because I know he cares about me and I am important.

I still ache inside. I had to vent the other day about some minor frustration. One person thinks they own my husband and he should respond at the snap of the fingers. I griped that it was the first day we had to do some chores around the house and this person had pulled my husband away for several hours. I was informed that it was his job and he needs to do it…… The fact that I was alone was drilled once more into me. I sunk into a little bit of a depression over it, but my husband turned off the phone that evening and devoted that time to the family. I have him. I cannot vent to him about him, but I do have him to love me.