I was shocked to see that I was losing my faith in man, in God, in myself. So much had happened that it was painful. What got me the most was the fact that it just kept coming. Why was God letting me used for target practice? Why were the ones shooting the arrows Christians?
Not all my problems were from fellow Christians. There was plenty from those that were just nasty and denied God. It was the ones from Christians that shocked and hurt me.
I guess it started after we had a severe run of hard luck. We were helping a friend who had some trouble with the law in the past, but was turning his life around. The law was trying to prevent him from doing it which was irritating enough. But it was when his own flesh and blood turned against him time and again that was too much for me. His own father wanted him in jail. He kept ranting how he had not paid enough for his crimes. I lost it. Here was a supposedly Christian man who had been shown mercy by God refusing to extend it to the one who carried his blood. I more than lost it.
For the first time in my life, I let every four letter word and more out of my mouth. I was furious. This man was unforgiving to a repentant son. He was a gossip and slanderer. We would hear where he was saying nasty things about us because we were helping his son. How could a Christian act like that? What made me even madder was that everyone in his church thought him a saint. He was telling everyone how he was doing so much for an ungrateful son, etc. I wanted to throw up. Then another blow came about.
A Christian friend was wanting to work for me. It seemed the perfect set up. I gave her some assignments and the deadlines they were needed. Two hours before I was to turn the projects in to the client, she called to say that she would not have them done in time. A week had gone by and she just now called and told me this? I negotiated with the client and got an extension. She promised me that they would be done the next day. The next day comes around and she still does not have them done. Other things came up. I gave her one more chance. She did the same thing. Telling me that she was 75% done, I asked that she send the files back to me and I would finish as I was about to lose this client. She had only done 10%. How could she do this? I am a firm believer in “let your yes be yes and your no be no.” As Christians, we are to keep our word and not flippantly make promises. She almost cost me the money that paid my bills. Promises made and never kept.
As all this was going on, we were under direct attack. People would comment to our friends or to my husband that they heard bad things about us. We were moving. We were divorcing. We each had an affair. There were so many others. All of them coming from Christians and other churches. Was this how Jesus felt as he stared at the hypocritical Pharisees?
I kept being told that I have to forgive. I was to ignore it and go on. NO! Why should I ignore it? Jesus didn’t. Paul didn’t. James didn’t. I was sick of watching pastors, churches, and Christians brush severe issues under the rug because we are to keep the peace and always forgive. I think they have a twisted sense of forgiveness.
If there was a sin that was the yeast destroying the church, it was addressed head on. Any dissension was pointed out by Paul. There was no way it was to be tolerated. Yet, it is tolerated and accepted in churches today.
Gossip is actually encouraged in churches. If we do not actively put our foot down on it, we are condoning it. Slander is accepted. The harshness of the tongue is just a part of life. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that, yet that is how the church is today.
What happens when Ann talks about what Joe said at Beth’s funeral about the will and who was getting what? Nothing except every ear leans in.
What happens when Carl talks about Mike and Sue’s past? Nothing except others chime in.
Why do people pull away from church? Because when they walk into the door they might be stepping into the pit of vipers.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Not all churches are like this, but the majority are. I’ve lost my faith in the church because the church is just like it was when Jesus was on the earth. It has become self-absorbed, destructive, and blind. There are so many hurting, yet the church tosses money and walks away. When someone is hurting, they turn away.
The nail in the coffin came when I needed help as my faith was sliding away. Every Christian I knew turned their backs on me and criticized me for my lack of faith and judgmental attitude. I needed a shoulder to cry on and someone to pray for me and I got nothing.
Where am I now? Still angry at those people. Still avoiding church because it makes me sick to my stomach. Trying to find God again. Still have no one to talk to. Wishing I could find Jesus in another person.
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