Being Alone

I discovered over the last few months that I am very alone in this world. Yes, I have friends to go to movies with and have dinner with. What I cannot find is a friend to share my thoughts and my dreams.

I love to write. I have several writing projects that I am working on. There are times that I want to bounce an idea off of someone. Once in awhile, I can get my husband to slow down and read something and comment. Other than that, there is no one else. I have tried talking about it with others who let me know real quick that they have no interest on the subject I am writing about.
I am in school going after my history degree. There are times when I really want to discuss what I am studying. Aside from my husband who majored in history, there is no one that will just talk to me about it. I have to fill that void in the virtual world.

The result of all this? I am more in the virtual world than the real world because that is the only place I can find fulfillment. That should not be.

If I died today, would anybody know the real me? Who knows the various places I write for? Who knows all my contacts on the internet and where I love to spend my time? There is not one soul.

I have discovered that I have no one to sit down and really be myself with. I cannot discuss my deepest desires and goals. No one shares them. No one understands them.

Who is the real me? A woman who would love to have deep conversations and to learn. A woman who wants to teach others new concepts and ways to view events and readings. A woman who wants to make a mark in this world that is not dictated by the whims and controlling aspects of others. A woman who wants for the first time in her life to feel wanted and worth something.

When I tell someone I am going back to school for a history degree, they always ask what do you want to do with it? When I say that I want to write and teach, they change the subject and go on. I want to talk about my latest class, but with whom?

Realizing that I am alone was extremely depressing. What if I had to go somewhere for a few days? Where would I go? Nowhere. There is nowhere to go. There is no one to turn to when I need a shoulder. There is no one to be just a friend. I am trying to come to grips with it, but it is hard. It is very hard.