I discovered over the last few months that I am very alone in this world. Yes, I have friends to go to movies with and have dinner with. What I cannot find is a friend to share my thoughts and my dreams.
I love to write. I have several writing projects that I am working on. There are times that I want to bounce an idea off of someone. Once in awhile, I can get my husband to slow down and read something and comment. Other than that, there is no one else. I have tried talking about it with others who let me know real quick that they have no interest on the subject I am writing about.
I am in school going after my history degree. There are times when I really want to discuss what I am studying. Aside from my husband who majored in history, there is no one that will just talk to me about it. I have to fill that void in the virtual world.
The result of all this? I am more in the virtual world than the real world because that is the only place I can find fulfillment. That should not be.
If I died today, would anybody know the real me? Who knows the various places I write for? Who knows all my contacts on the internet and where I love to spend my time? There is not one soul.
I have discovered that I have no one to sit down and really be myself with. I cannot discuss my deepest desires and goals. No one shares them. No one understands them.
Who is the real me? A woman who would love to have deep conversations and to learn. A woman who wants to teach others new concepts and ways to view events and readings. A woman who wants to make a mark in this world that is not dictated by the whims and controlling aspects of others. A woman who wants for the first time in her life to feel wanted and worth something.
When I tell someone I am going back to school for a history degree, they always ask what do you want to do with it? When I say that I want to write and teach, they change the subject and go on. I want to talk about my latest class, but with whom?
Realizing that I am alone was extremely depressing. What if I had to go somewhere for a few days? Where would I go? Nowhere. There is nowhere to go. There is no one to turn to when I need a shoulder. There is no one to be just a friend. I am trying to come to grips with it, but it is hard. It is very hard.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
The Loss of Faith
I was shocked to see that I was losing my faith in man, in God, in myself. So much had happened that it was painful. What got me the most was the fact that it just kept coming. Why was God letting me used for target practice? Why were the ones shooting the arrows Christians?
Not all my problems were from fellow Christians. There was plenty from those that were just nasty and denied God. It was the ones from Christians that shocked and hurt me.
I guess it started after we had a severe run of hard luck. We were helping a friend who had some trouble with the law in the past, but was turning his life around. The law was trying to prevent him from doing it which was irritating enough. But it was when his own flesh and blood turned against him time and again that was too much for me. His own father wanted him in jail. He kept ranting how he had not paid enough for his crimes. I lost it. Here was a supposedly Christian man who had been shown mercy by God refusing to extend it to the one who carried his blood. I more than lost it.
For the first time in my life, I let every four letter word and more out of my mouth. I was furious. This man was unforgiving to a repentant son. He was a gossip and slanderer. We would hear where he was saying nasty things about us because we were helping his son. How could a Christian act like that? What made me even madder was that everyone in his church thought him a saint. He was telling everyone how he was doing so much for an ungrateful son, etc. I wanted to throw up. Then another blow came about.
A Christian friend was wanting to work for me. It seemed the perfect set up. I gave her some assignments and the deadlines they were needed. Two hours before I was to turn the projects in to the client, she called to say that she would not have them done in time. A week had gone by and she just now called and told me this? I negotiated with the client and got an extension. She promised me that they would be done the next day. The next day comes around and she still does not have them done. Other things came up. I gave her one more chance. She did the same thing. Telling me that she was 75% done, I asked that she send the files back to me and I would finish as I was about to lose this client. She had only done 10%. How could she do this? I am a firm believer in “let your yes be yes and your no be no.” As Christians, we are to keep our word and not flippantly make promises. She almost cost me the money that paid my bills. Promises made and never kept.
As all this was going on, we were under direct attack. People would comment to our friends or to my husband that they heard bad things about us. We were moving. We were divorcing. We each had an affair. There were so many others. All of them coming from Christians and other churches. Was this how Jesus felt as he stared at the hypocritical Pharisees?
I kept being told that I have to forgive. I was to ignore it and go on. NO! Why should I ignore it? Jesus didn’t. Paul didn’t. James didn’t. I was sick of watching pastors, churches, and Christians brush severe issues under the rug because we are to keep the peace and always forgive. I think they have a twisted sense of forgiveness.
If there was a sin that was the yeast destroying the church, it was addressed head on. Any dissension was pointed out by Paul. There was no way it was to be tolerated. Yet, it is tolerated and accepted in churches today.
Gossip is actually encouraged in churches. If we do not actively put our foot down on it, we are condoning it. Slander is accepted. The harshness of the tongue is just a part of life. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that, yet that is how the church is today.
What happens when Ann talks about what Joe said at Beth’s funeral about the will and who was getting what? Nothing except every ear leans in.
What happens when Carl talks about Mike and Sue’s past? Nothing except others chime in.
Why do people pull away from church? Because when they walk into the door they might be stepping into the pit of vipers.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Not all churches are like this, but the majority are. I’ve lost my faith in the church because the church is just like it was when Jesus was on the earth. It has become self-absorbed, destructive, and blind. There are so many hurting, yet the church tosses money and walks away. When someone is hurting, they turn away.
The nail in the coffin came when I needed help as my faith was sliding away. Every Christian I knew turned their backs on me and criticized me for my lack of faith and judgmental attitude. I needed a shoulder to cry on and someone to pray for me and I got nothing.
Where am I now? Still angry at those people. Still avoiding church because it makes me sick to my stomach. Trying to find God again. Still have no one to talk to. Wishing I could find Jesus in another person.
Not all my problems were from fellow Christians. There was plenty from those that were just nasty and denied God. It was the ones from Christians that shocked and hurt me.
I guess it started after we had a severe run of hard luck. We were helping a friend who had some trouble with the law in the past, but was turning his life around. The law was trying to prevent him from doing it which was irritating enough. But it was when his own flesh and blood turned against him time and again that was too much for me. His own father wanted him in jail. He kept ranting how he had not paid enough for his crimes. I lost it. Here was a supposedly Christian man who had been shown mercy by God refusing to extend it to the one who carried his blood. I more than lost it.
For the first time in my life, I let every four letter word and more out of my mouth. I was furious. This man was unforgiving to a repentant son. He was a gossip and slanderer. We would hear where he was saying nasty things about us because we were helping his son. How could a Christian act like that? What made me even madder was that everyone in his church thought him a saint. He was telling everyone how he was doing so much for an ungrateful son, etc. I wanted to throw up. Then another blow came about.
A Christian friend was wanting to work for me. It seemed the perfect set up. I gave her some assignments and the deadlines they were needed. Two hours before I was to turn the projects in to the client, she called to say that she would not have them done in time. A week had gone by and she just now called and told me this? I negotiated with the client and got an extension. She promised me that they would be done the next day. The next day comes around and she still does not have them done. Other things came up. I gave her one more chance. She did the same thing. Telling me that she was 75% done, I asked that she send the files back to me and I would finish as I was about to lose this client. She had only done 10%. How could she do this? I am a firm believer in “let your yes be yes and your no be no.” As Christians, we are to keep our word and not flippantly make promises. She almost cost me the money that paid my bills. Promises made and never kept.
As all this was going on, we were under direct attack. People would comment to our friends or to my husband that they heard bad things about us. We were moving. We were divorcing. We each had an affair. There were so many others. All of them coming from Christians and other churches. Was this how Jesus felt as he stared at the hypocritical Pharisees?
I kept being told that I have to forgive. I was to ignore it and go on. NO! Why should I ignore it? Jesus didn’t. Paul didn’t. James didn’t. I was sick of watching pastors, churches, and Christians brush severe issues under the rug because we are to keep the peace and always forgive. I think they have a twisted sense of forgiveness.
If there was a sin that was the yeast destroying the church, it was addressed head on. Any dissension was pointed out by Paul. There was no way it was to be tolerated. Yet, it is tolerated and accepted in churches today.
Gossip is actually encouraged in churches. If we do not actively put our foot down on it, we are condoning it. Slander is accepted. The harshness of the tongue is just a part of life. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that, yet that is how the church is today.
What happens when Ann talks about what Joe said at Beth’s funeral about the will and who was getting what? Nothing except every ear leans in.
What happens when Carl talks about Mike and Sue’s past? Nothing except others chime in.
Why do people pull away from church? Because when they walk into the door they might be stepping into the pit of vipers.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Not all churches are like this, but the majority are. I’ve lost my faith in the church because the church is just like it was when Jesus was on the earth. It has become self-absorbed, destructive, and blind. There are so many hurting, yet the church tosses money and walks away. When someone is hurting, they turn away.
The nail in the coffin came when I needed help as my faith was sliding away. Every Christian I knew turned their backs on me and criticized me for my lack of faith and judgmental attitude. I needed a shoulder to cry on and someone to pray for me and I got nothing.
Where am I now? Still angry at those people. Still avoiding church because it makes me sick to my stomach. Trying to find God again. Still have no one to talk to. Wishing I could find Jesus in another person.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
I have been a little MIA lately, and for that I apologize. The last few months have been some of the darkest of my life. I just completely dropped the majority of my online activity during that time including this site. My self-confidence, self-esteem, and even my faith were torn apart. I had never felt so empty and alone.
In truth, it began back in February. A few of posts show that I was depressed. Much changed in my life. I came out of that small trip through the desert and immediately returned a few months later. What happened? I realized that I was completely alone.
My husband is ADD which means that he is here, there, and everywhere at every moment of the day. It is hard enough getting his attention and keeping it without others distracting him. With that said, he has a job that keeps him hopping. There is no set time when someone has an emergency and needs him. The problem arose when it became 24/7. If he wanted to have dinner with his wife for the first time in three months, people actually got angry that he was not available to them at that minute. Around the same time, I was informed my two people that being a minister, he had to put family behind everything else. If that was the case, then I did not want this life anymore. I married a man who was to love, honor, and cherish. I now had a stranger that kept pushing me back and back into the closet. How was that biblical? It is not. Even the Bible says that if a man cannot run his family, then he cannot run the work for God with success.
Surprisingly, this was not what sent me into the abyss. It was a friend. I turned to one of the few friends I have here and tried to get my feelings out in a safe place. When I finished, the knife entered my chest. I was told that I was wrong to expect him to ignore others for me. I was wrong to want to have any part of him to myself. I was the one hurting the marriage. From their viewpoint, I was the one doing nothing and causing the problems. In the same breath, they said that they could not be at church anymore because having so many activities was pulling her from her family. My heart ripped apart. Where was the hope in any of that?
That day I walked away. I walked away from people. I quit going to most activities. I hated being around everyone and pretending to put a smile on my face. I even suggested divorce. I could not stay this way or I would just die.
Then blows came even harder. The first was from a “Christian” man who began to slander us and treat his son in a nasty and downright evil way. He criticized our Christian walk despite his actions. Within a week, I had begun working with a Christian woman on some freelance work. She bailed on me and left me hanging on three assignments. I almost lost all my freelance income because I trusted her word. Instead, I was left alone again. This is how Christians should act?
I had had enough. Everywhere I turned, I was met with hostility, lies, and condemnation and that was only from the ones that go to church. I gave up on church. I tried going a couple of times, and I actually threw up from the disgust I felt from watching people smile and talk to each other and then backstab and be nasty about those same people during the week. I realized why Jesus was so hard on the Pharisees and called them a brood of vipers and white-washed walls. That is what church at become to me. In my darkest hour, not one person sought to help me. Not one person answered my plea for help. I was told to deal with it or I was ignored completely.
I got to thinking. Who do I have to talk to? Who do I have to confide in? Not one blessed soul! No one. I could go to this person, but they would criticize me instead of listen. This other person would let me know that I was wrong in my feelings. Another would run and tell everybody in town about it. There was no one.
Do you know what it is like to realize that you are completely alone in this world? That if you died today and someone asked people questions about your life, that they would very little to tell? I sat back and realized that no one person on this planet knows me. They have no desire to know me. They think they do, but they are so far off the mark. Not one person asks how my writing is going or comments on the pieces. (I have to correct that a little. My mother-in-law periodically shoots me an email about how well a piece was which warms my heart.) No one asks me about school. No one is interested in my thoughts, actions, or feelings. The things I enjoy the most and are passions in my life, no one shares with me. I get more responses from the virtual world than I do from those that should love me the most.
Divorce was suggested. I told my husband that I could not live knowing that I was nothing to him. I could not go on. Everybody wanted him, they could have him. I would find some place to live since there was no one to go to. It got his attention. He realized that he was going off and leaving me at every step. I was a thousand miles from my family and had not one close friend in town. The depression was deep because there was no outlet. There was no support. I had felt that God had abandoned me.
My husband came back to me. I think we are more in love than ever. He stops and gives me a kiss for no reason. That one act can make my day. Now, if we are having the first alone time that day, he will let the person leave a message. He lets me know that he loves me. Now, I have very little resentment in him going off to work because I know he cares about me and I am important.
I still ache inside. I had to vent the other day about some minor frustration. One person thinks they own my husband and he should respond at the snap of the fingers. I griped that it was the first day we had to do some chores around the house and this person had pulled my husband away for several hours. I was informed that it was his job and he needs to do it…… The fact that I was alone was drilled once more into me. I sunk into a little bit of a depression over it, but my husband turned off the phone that evening and devoted that time to the family. I have him. I cannot vent to him about him, but I do have him to love me.
In truth, it began back in February. A few of posts show that I was depressed. Much changed in my life. I came out of that small trip through the desert and immediately returned a few months later. What happened? I realized that I was completely alone.
My husband is ADD which means that he is here, there, and everywhere at every moment of the day. It is hard enough getting his attention and keeping it without others distracting him. With that said, he has a job that keeps him hopping. There is no set time when someone has an emergency and needs him. The problem arose when it became 24/7. If he wanted to have dinner with his wife for the first time in three months, people actually got angry that he was not available to them at that minute. Around the same time, I was informed my two people that being a minister, he had to put family behind everything else. If that was the case, then I did not want this life anymore. I married a man who was to love, honor, and cherish. I now had a stranger that kept pushing me back and back into the closet. How was that biblical? It is not. Even the Bible says that if a man cannot run his family, then he cannot run the work for God with success.
Surprisingly, this was not what sent me into the abyss. It was a friend. I turned to one of the few friends I have here and tried to get my feelings out in a safe place. When I finished, the knife entered my chest. I was told that I was wrong to expect him to ignore others for me. I was wrong to want to have any part of him to myself. I was the one hurting the marriage. From their viewpoint, I was the one doing nothing and causing the problems. In the same breath, they said that they could not be at church anymore because having so many activities was pulling her from her family. My heart ripped apart. Where was the hope in any of that?
That day I walked away. I walked away from people. I quit going to most activities. I hated being around everyone and pretending to put a smile on my face. I even suggested divorce. I could not stay this way or I would just die.
Then blows came even harder. The first was from a “Christian” man who began to slander us and treat his son in a nasty and downright evil way. He criticized our Christian walk despite his actions. Within a week, I had begun working with a Christian woman on some freelance work. She bailed on me and left me hanging on three assignments. I almost lost all my freelance income because I trusted her word. Instead, I was left alone again. This is how Christians should act?
I had had enough. Everywhere I turned, I was met with hostility, lies, and condemnation and that was only from the ones that go to church. I gave up on church. I tried going a couple of times, and I actually threw up from the disgust I felt from watching people smile and talk to each other and then backstab and be nasty about those same people during the week. I realized why Jesus was so hard on the Pharisees and called them a brood of vipers and white-washed walls. That is what church at become to me. In my darkest hour, not one person sought to help me. Not one person answered my plea for help. I was told to deal with it or I was ignored completely.
I got to thinking. Who do I have to talk to? Who do I have to confide in? Not one blessed soul! No one. I could go to this person, but they would criticize me instead of listen. This other person would let me know that I was wrong in my feelings. Another would run and tell everybody in town about it. There was no one.
Do you know what it is like to realize that you are completely alone in this world? That if you died today and someone asked people questions about your life, that they would very little to tell? I sat back and realized that no one person on this planet knows me. They have no desire to know me. They think they do, but they are so far off the mark. Not one person asks how my writing is going or comments on the pieces. (I have to correct that a little. My mother-in-law periodically shoots me an email about how well a piece was which warms my heart.) No one asks me about school. No one is interested in my thoughts, actions, or feelings. The things I enjoy the most and are passions in my life, no one shares with me. I get more responses from the virtual world than I do from those that should love me the most.
Divorce was suggested. I told my husband that I could not live knowing that I was nothing to him. I could not go on. Everybody wanted him, they could have him. I would find some place to live since there was no one to go to. It got his attention. He realized that he was going off and leaving me at every step. I was a thousand miles from my family and had not one close friend in town. The depression was deep because there was no outlet. There was no support. I had felt that God had abandoned me.
My husband came back to me. I think we are more in love than ever. He stops and gives me a kiss for no reason. That one act can make my day. Now, if we are having the first alone time that day, he will let the person leave a message. He lets me know that he loves me. Now, I have very little resentment in him going off to work because I know he cares about me and I am important.
I still ache inside. I had to vent the other day about some minor frustration. One person thinks they own my husband and he should respond at the snap of the fingers. I griped that it was the first day we had to do some chores around the house and this person had pulled my husband away for several hours. I was informed that it was his job and he needs to do it…… The fact that I was alone was drilled once more into me. I sunk into a little bit of a depression over it, but my husband turned off the phone that evening and devoted that time to the family. I have him. I cannot vent to him about him, but I do have him to love me.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
When You Can Smile With a Teenager
I'm experiencing my first journey into parenting a teenager. I have to be honest, I hate it. The challenge of authority, the mouth, the attitude, all of it drives my absolutely bonkers. I want a law passed that at the age of 12 the children are shipped off to boarding school until they are 25 or 30 which they start to show signs of maturity. And then my daughter makes me feel so wrapped up in love.
She spent two weeks with her grandmother and went here and there with her cousins and aunts. There were shopping trips, art museum, eating out, and entertainment. Coming home was going to be a bore. But while she was gone, the family began to change themselves to get a better attitude and be more fun starting with me and my husband. We began to fall in love again. When she came back, she began to go right back into the attitude until after a few days she noticed the change around her. She couldn't remain surly. We refused to let it take hold of any of us.
Today, I went to a local coffee shop to get more work and have a change of atmosphere. While I was there, my daughter texted me on my phone that she loved me. My teenage daughter said she loved me unsolicited. What had happened!?! I couldn't help but smile real big as tears filled my eyes. There was the same sweet girl I used to cuddle. There was the young woman trying to bloom into her own.
I love my daughter. I could strangle her sometimes, but I love her so much. I cannot wait till the day that I am not Mom, but a close friend who is there for her as she becomes a Mom.
Love you, Catherine. You're my number one.
She spent two weeks with her grandmother and went here and there with her cousins and aunts. There were shopping trips, art museum, eating out, and entertainment. Coming home was going to be a bore. But while she was gone, the family began to change themselves to get a better attitude and be more fun starting with me and my husband. We began to fall in love again. When she came back, she began to go right back into the attitude until after a few days she noticed the change around her. She couldn't remain surly. We refused to let it take hold of any of us.
Today, I went to a local coffee shop to get more work and have a change of atmosphere. While I was there, my daughter texted me on my phone that she loved me. My teenage daughter said she loved me unsolicited. What had happened!?! I couldn't help but smile real big as tears filled my eyes. There was the same sweet girl I used to cuddle. There was the young woman trying to bloom into her own.
I love my daughter. I could strangle her sometimes, but I love her so much. I cannot wait till the day that I am not Mom, but a close friend who is there for her as she becomes a Mom.
Love you, Catherine. You're my number one.
Monday, June 28, 2010
A Whole New Me
I've been in the desert if you haven't noticed. Really began to question myself spiritually. Feeling totally abandoned. Shoot, I was downright angry. Then the kid gloves came off, and He got my attention.
I was watching John Bevere's, The Bait of Satan. I had seen this portion of the video months before and it was under different circumstances, so I had applied it to those. Now, John's words screamed at me. Actually, it was the voice of God through this man.
He was discussing what really happens when we worry and do not have faith in God. We are in truth telling God that He is incompetent and that we could do better. We are saying that He doesn't have the power to fix anything.
He then continued with a funny section that though funny was the kicker. He enacted a scene of what heaven must be like if God really is the way we create Him to be when things don't go right.
God says, "Jesus, oh no! What are we going to do? Adam lost his job. Are there any others? Did we see that coming? What are we going to do? That wasn't foreseen!"
Did God know I would face certain things? Of course. Did He set wringing His hands? No. He knew what was coming and was prepared. Then why do I act like He was not? Why do I doubt what will happen next? Why do I always believe the worst?
I got angry at God because everything was going wrong. I had a dream and a plan. The problem was that it was not His. When that dream was taken away, I fought. I kicked and I screamed. I got downright angry. Time after time, He seemed wrench things from me. Unbeknownest to me, I was trying to direct my life and not let Him. I was arrogant enough to think I knew best. If I knew so well, why was my world crumbling around me?
I always wanted to teach. Every time we set up a study, no one would show up. I'm not kidding. No one would show up. I longed to teach and thought He was directing me down that path, yet every door that was open from a distance closed.
I wanted to go back to school, yet each time I began to step through the open door, it slammed in my face and knocked me on my rear.
I wanted to learn and grow, yet everyone blocked that. Most of the women I knew didn't want to talk about deep spiritual issues. They wanted to gossip. I tried to join the men, yet I was the lowly woman and too many was pushed aside.
So my only purpose in life was to go to various jobs that I deep down hated and line someone else's pockets? I was to have no dreams at all? I was to cease to really exist?
I began to find an outlet and a purpose in my writing. People seemed to enjoy it. I was actually beginning to feel alive. Then, I found myself in the middle of the Sahara.
My husband got an online college teaching job. I was so happy, yet I hated him. Here, I longed to teach. I had worked long hours so he could go to school and get various degrees. Here he was living my dream. How could God be so cruel to me?
I came out of it eventually, until my husband and my children wanted no more homeschooling. The final blow. My alive and beating heart was totally wrenched out of my chest and laid on the altar as my soul shriveled up and died. I couldn't even teach my kids. I was rejected at every turn. I could do nothing right. Was there really a God if He would do this to me?
I wished to die at that point. I wanted to scream and howl at the top of my lungs. I was dead. I could not pray. I truly began to believe that God was nowhere. He had left me and had used me.
Slowly, through the aid of a few friends who unknowingly helped guide me through the darkened hallway of life, I began to see beyond all those closed doors and discovered one that had once been nailed shut opening ever so slowly.
There was a plan. Just because things did not happen the way I wanted on my table did not mean that God did not exist or that He was playing a cruel trick on me. What arrogance on my part! I thought that I was in control of my life and that my plan was the best. Now, I am God? Can I control the winds and the waves? Can I raise people from the dead? Who did I think I was?
It is not about me. I cannot say it enough. It is not about me. I am not the center of this universe. I am not the center of anything but my own self pity.
Who do I think I am? A few days ago, obviously God. Today? A very humbled servant who cannot beg enough for the forgiveness of a Father who will not hesitate to love and forgive.
I was watching John Bevere's, The Bait of Satan. I had seen this portion of the video months before and it was under different circumstances, so I had applied it to those. Now, John's words screamed at me. Actually, it was the voice of God through this man.
He was discussing what really happens when we worry and do not have faith in God. We are in truth telling God that He is incompetent and that we could do better. We are saying that He doesn't have the power to fix anything.
He then continued with a funny section that though funny was the kicker. He enacted a scene of what heaven must be like if God really is the way we create Him to be when things don't go right.
God says, "Jesus, oh no! What are we going to do? Adam lost his job. Are there any others? Did we see that coming? What are we going to do? That wasn't foreseen!"
Did God know I would face certain things? Of course. Did He set wringing His hands? No. He knew what was coming and was prepared. Then why do I act like He was not? Why do I doubt what will happen next? Why do I always believe the worst?
I got angry at God because everything was going wrong. I had a dream and a plan. The problem was that it was not His. When that dream was taken away, I fought. I kicked and I screamed. I got downright angry. Time after time, He seemed wrench things from me. Unbeknownest to me, I was trying to direct my life and not let Him. I was arrogant enough to think I knew best. If I knew so well, why was my world crumbling around me?
I always wanted to teach. Every time we set up a study, no one would show up. I'm not kidding. No one would show up. I longed to teach and thought He was directing me down that path, yet every door that was open from a distance closed.
I wanted to go back to school, yet each time I began to step through the open door, it slammed in my face and knocked me on my rear.
I wanted to learn and grow, yet everyone blocked that. Most of the women I knew didn't want to talk about deep spiritual issues. They wanted to gossip. I tried to join the men, yet I was the lowly woman and too many was pushed aside.
So my only purpose in life was to go to various jobs that I deep down hated and line someone else's pockets? I was to have no dreams at all? I was to cease to really exist?
I began to find an outlet and a purpose in my writing. People seemed to enjoy it. I was actually beginning to feel alive. Then, I found myself in the middle of the Sahara.
My husband got an online college teaching job. I was so happy, yet I hated him. Here, I longed to teach. I had worked long hours so he could go to school and get various degrees. Here he was living my dream. How could God be so cruel to me?
I came out of it eventually, until my husband and my children wanted no more homeschooling. The final blow. My alive and beating heart was totally wrenched out of my chest and laid on the altar as my soul shriveled up and died. I couldn't even teach my kids. I was rejected at every turn. I could do nothing right. Was there really a God if He would do this to me?
I wished to die at that point. I wanted to scream and howl at the top of my lungs. I was dead. I could not pray. I truly began to believe that God was nowhere. He had left me and had used me.
Slowly, through the aid of a few friends who unknowingly helped guide me through the darkened hallway of life, I began to see beyond all those closed doors and discovered one that had once been nailed shut opening ever so slowly.
There was a plan. Just because things did not happen the way I wanted on my table did not mean that God did not exist or that He was playing a cruel trick on me. What arrogance on my part! I thought that I was in control of my life and that my plan was the best. Now, I am God? Can I control the winds and the waves? Can I raise people from the dead? Who did I think I was?
It is not about me. I cannot say it enough. It is not about me. I am not the center of this universe. I am not the center of anything but my own self pity.
Who do I think I am? A few days ago, obviously God. Today? A very humbled servant who cannot beg enough for the forgiveness of a Father who will not hesitate to love and forgive.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Surprises in the Desert
It's amazing who God puts in your path as you travel through the desert. Manna can come from the strangest places. This time I found manna from old high school friends.
My desert journey came out in my Facebook postings. I was so down that I had to express myself somehow. In reality I wanted to stand on the rooftop and scream out my frustration, but that would bring the cops. So I posted it there instead.
Several people came forward to help, but the two that broke through ironically were two guys I used to date. They caught the not so obvious fact that I was in a deep dark place. Before I knew it, a chat box popped up and one of them asked what was going on. We began talking about high school and were laughing. My husband had to check out what was causing this person who was crying only an hour earlier to be laughing so hard. Even he had to get in on the laugh.
The point I'm trying to make here is not about old relationships or anything like that. It is that God will bring His light through unexpected places. For the next couple of days, these guys checked in to see how I was doing. They encouraged me. That with the love of my husband helped me begin to see the promised land from a distance where before I doubted it even existed anymore.
Friendship from even years ago can break through where those closest to you cannot. Why? Because they are from a different time and are not completely in the picture. They have a much different view of things.
I began to slip back in the darkness a few days ago and the same two along with a girl that used to go to school with us, too, jumped on board. I was laughing so hard that I was crying. God uses amazing people to reach us when we tune Him out.
I'm still struggling, but I'm getting a little spunk back. I want to thank all those friends of mine that reached out to me. You mean a lot and I hope God bless you a hundred fold.
My desert journey came out in my Facebook postings. I was so down that I had to express myself somehow. In reality I wanted to stand on the rooftop and scream out my frustration, but that would bring the cops. So I posted it there instead.
Several people came forward to help, but the two that broke through ironically were two guys I used to date. They caught the not so obvious fact that I was in a deep dark place. Before I knew it, a chat box popped up and one of them asked what was going on. We began talking about high school and were laughing. My husband had to check out what was causing this person who was crying only an hour earlier to be laughing so hard. Even he had to get in on the laugh.
The point I'm trying to make here is not about old relationships or anything like that. It is that God will bring His light through unexpected places. For the next couple of days, these guys checked in to see how I was doing. They encouraged me. That with the love of my husband helped me begin to see the promised land from a distance where before I doubted it even existed anymore.
Friendship from even years ago can break through where those closest to you cannot. Why? Because they are from a different time and are not completely in the picture. They have a much different view of things.
I began to slip back in the darkness a few days ago and the same two along with a girl that used to go to school with us, too, jumped on board. I was laughing so hard that I was crying. God uses amazing people to reach us when we tune Him out.
I'm still struggling, but I'm getting a little spunk back. I want to thank all those friends of mine that reached out to me. You mean a lot and I hope God bless you a hundred fold.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Back in the Desert
I'm back in that stinking desert again. I'm not totally sure what set this one off, but I have been able to see several influences.
My husband and I began to have some strained times. Not that we are on the verge of divorce, but there was no communication going on. Other people knew more about his activities than I did. I got very depressed. No matter how hard I tried, we could never sit down and just talk. The kids would interrupt. He would be engrossed in a show. Someone would call. We would have to be somewhere. This was getting to be too much. I needed my husband back.
Comments by others were getting to me. People in church were complaining about being there all the time. Things were not on the right nights. Too much of this and too little of that. I began to feel that I had failed and was making everyone miserable.
Okay, I have to admit that part of it is hormones. But everyone around me was pulling me and pressing me down all at the same time. I had so many people around me talking out of both sides of their mouths. I had people demanding so much and expecting me to give it right then and there.
I needed to get away from people and regroup. I needed to find a refuge and some peace. I couldn't find it at all. I couldn't pray. I couldn't read my Bible. I was totally empty. I felt that He had abandoned me. Everything was hitting me from every angle. Every good thing came with twenty bad things. I could not take it anymore.
I have to say that this time I am coming out of it faster. I'm not out of it yet, but I'm in view of the promised land. I just have some old baggage to get rid of before crossing the Jordan.
Thank you, God, for you patience and understanding. I don't deserve it.
My husband and I began to have some strained times. Not that we are on the verge of divorce, but there was no communication going on. Other people knew more about his activities than I did. I got very depressed. No matter how hard I tried, we could never sit down and just talk. The kids would interrupt. He would be engrossed in a show. Someone would call. We would have to be somewhere. This was getting to be too much. I needed my husband back.
Comments by others were getting to me. People in church were complaining about being there all the time. Things were not on the right nights. Too much of this and too little of that. I began to feel that I had failed and was making everyone miserable.
Okay, I have to admit that part of it is hormones. But everyone around me was pulling me and pressing me down all at the same time. I had so many people around me talking out of both sides of their mouths. I had people demanding so much and expecting me to give it right then and there.
I needed to get away from people and regroup. I needed to find a refuge and some peace. I couldn't find it at all. I couldn't pray. I couldn't read my Bible. I was totally empty. I felt that He had abandoned me. Everything was hitting me from every angle. Every good thing came with twenty bad things. I could not take it anymore.
I have to say that this time I am coming out of it faster. I'm not out of it yet, but I'm in view of the promised land. I just have some old baggage to get rid of before crossing the Jordan.
Thank you, God, for you patience and understanding. I don't deserve it.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Seeing the Evil in Others
I try to give people a chance. But I sour when I see too many "Christians" who put on such righteous acts and then see them act worse than the "heathens". I wonder why God doesn't go ahead and destroy the world again as He sees what His church is doing to it.
Okay, I'm on my religious soap box again, but I'm see so much of it lately, that I'm disgusted. There is a man I know that puts on such airs about how religious He is. He goes on and on about the charity he does and how much he gives in church and what he does for people. He brags on how frugal and good he is with all that God has given him. I gag.
I have seen this man with venom in his eyes. I have heard the hate come out of his mouth. I have seen the maliciousness that he acts upon. I have caught him in his lies. Yet, those in the local church community believe everything he says.
I go between anger and sadness. How can someone claim the blood of Jesus and commit the very acts he does? I guess the same person that was forgiven a debt in one of Jesus' parables and yet refused to forgive a debt he was owed. I watch this man go on and on how people need to pay for their actions while he never has.
I am watching an old movie as I write this. It is about some of the fanatics in England centuries ago when everyone began pointing fingers at "witches" and "heretics". In reality they were masking their own evil as they murdered, raped, and lied. This man I know reminds me so much of them.
I'm not trying to be mean, but when he lies he does murder a person's reputation. This led me into a preaching session about how we are not held up to the standard we are supposed to be anymore. In the Old Testament the Lord demanded that a plum line be laid down and Israel compared to it. They usually did not measure up due to their sinning.
What if we were put up against a plum line? Would we measure up? Looking at those around me, I would have to say no. We would horribly fall short. We tend to refuse those with a past to be a part of our fellowship. We gossip incessantly. We will tell lies to protect ourselves. We will turn a blind eye to injustice if it will protect us. We rarely hold to the true teachings.
Where is our self-control? Where is our gentleness? Where is our love? Where is our patience? Where are the fruits of the Spirit? We dismiss our shortcomings and point our fingers at everyone else's.
I guess you could say that this is a plea to today's church to please stop trying to "feel good" and get right with God. Are we satisfied with being like Ananias and Sapphira? Are we content to be whitewashed like the Pharisees? Are we stiff-necked? Are we the brood of vipers? What would we see if we looked in the mirror of God?
Okay, I'm on my religious soap box again, but I'm see so much of it lately, that I'm disgusted. There is a man I know that puts on such airs about how religious He is. He goes on and on about the charity he does and how much he gives in church and what he does for people. He brags on how frugal and good he is with all that God has given him. I gag.
I have seen this man with venom in his eyes. I have heard the hate come out of his mouth. I have seen the maliciousness that he acts upon. I have caught him in his lies. Yet, those in the local church community believe everything he says.
I go between anger and sadness. How can someone claim the blood of Jesus and commit the very acts he does? I guess the same person that was forgiven a debt in one of Jesus' parables and yet refused to forgive a debt he was owed. I watch this man go on and on how people need to pay for their actions while he never has.
I am watching an old movie as I write this. It is about some of the fanatics in England centuries ago when everyone began pointing fingers at "witches" and "heretics". In reality they were masking their own evil as they murdered, raped, and lied. This man I know reminds me so much of them.
I'm not trying to be mean, but when he lies he does murder a person's reputation. This led me into a preaching session about how we are not held up to the standard we are supposed to be anymore. In the Old Testament the Lord demanded that a plum line be laid down and Israel compared to it. They usually did not measure up due to their sinning.
What if we were put up against a plum line? Would we measure up? Looking at those around me, I would have to say no. We would horribly fall short. We tend to refuse those with a past to be a part of our fellowship. We gossip incessantly. We will tell lies to protect ourselves. We will turn a blind eye to injustice if it will protect us. We rarely hold to the true teachings.
Where is our self-control? Where is our gentleness? Where is our love? Where is our patience? Where are the fruits of the Spirit? We dismiss our shortcomings and point our fingers at everyone else's.
I guess you could say that this is a plea to today's church to please stop trying to "feel good" and get right with God. Are we satisfied with being like Ananias and Sapphira? Are we content to be whitewashed like the Pharisees? Are we stiff-necked? Are we the brood of vipers? What would we see if we looked in the mirror of God?
Sunday, May 16, 2010
We've All Got a Story To Tell
I remember as a child listening to adults give their testimonies and stories that were inspiring and meant to reach out to me and teach me a lesson. I always felt guilty because I did not have one. But I grew up and learned that every person who walks this earth has a story to tell.
I can tell you a story of times when logically things should have gone one way and instead went another. If everything had gone the logical way, I might not be here today. Everyone has a story to tell.
Today is one about a young boy that I absolutely despised because he was as mean as they get. For years I endured his evilness each week at church. He would walk by and jab a pencil in my arm just for spite. No one liked him. They were polite because his mother was so sweet and his father was high up in the political circles.
It was the summer before our freshmen year at high school and I learned the most horrific thing imaginable. We would be going to the same school for high school. It was bad enough in middle school, but high school? I knew then that God had it in for me. In reality, God was preparing a very bitter pill for me to take that would change me forever.
He was his usual pain in the rear-end self. One day my mom told me that his mother had passed away. She had been battling cancer for a long time. I was sad for the whole family. Then she told me that I needed to send a sympathy card. Okay. I'll send one to his dad. Nope. I was to send one to him. Boy, did we have a fight. I was not going to send a card to that evil boy. In the end, I did what I was forced to do.
He was out of school a few days naturally. On the day he returned, I was sitting in my usual spot on the front steps reading or doing some homework. He pulled up in his father's car. His dad waved at me. I waved back and didn't think much of it until the boy began to walk very purposefully toward me.
He sat down. I didn't know what to say. I was just waiting on something negative to come out of his mouth. He was quite for a long time.
"We got thousands of cards," he said. "But only four were addressed to me." He looked me right in the eye and for the first time smiled at me. "Thank you."
From that day on we became friends. He was still a jerk a lot of the time, but I let him know that he was wrong. We became study partners in biology and world history. He let me use his laptop which were extremely new at the time. We stayed good friends all through high school.
I don't know where he is now, but I think of him differently than I did when I was younger. I learned that his meanness was because he did not know how to act seeing his own mother die before his very eyes. He watched cancer eat at her and destroy her. He lashed out the only way he knew.
I learned not to judge people too harshly until you get to know them. We are complex creatures and cannot be made into a two dimensional black and white entity. We are unique and wonderfully made. We just need to dig deeper to see that in some people.
I can tell you a story of times when logically things should have gone one way and instead went another. If everything had gone the logical way, I might not be here today. Everyone has a story to tell.
Today is one about a young boy that I absolutely despised because he was as mean as they get. For years I endured his evilness each week at church. He would walk by and jab a pencil in my arm just for spite. No one liked him. They were polite because his mother was so sweet and his father was high up in the political circles.
It was the summer before our freshmen year at high school and I learned the most horrific thing imaginable. We would be going to the same school for high school. It was bad enough in middle school, but high school? I knew then that God had it in for me. In reality, God was preparing a very bitter pill for me to take that would change me forever.
He was his usual pain in the rear-end self. One day my mom told me that his mother had passed away. She had been battling cancer for a long time. I was sad for the whole family. Then she told me that I needed to send a sympathy card. Okay. I'll send one to his dad. Nope. I was to send one to him. Boy, did we have a fight. I was not going to send a card to that evil boy. In the end, I did what I was forced to do.
He was out of school a few days naturally. On the day he returned, I was sitting in my usual spot on the front steps reading or doing some homework. He pulled up in his father's car. His dad waved at me. I waved back and didn't think much of it until the boy began to walk very purposefully toward me.
He sat down. I didn't know what to say. I was just waiting on something negative to come out of his mouth. He was quite for a long time.
"We got thousands of cards," he said. "But only four were addressed to me." He looked me right in the eye and for the first time smiled at me. "Thank you."
From that day on we became friends. He was still a jerk a lot of the time, but I let him know that he was wrong. We became study partners in biology and world history. He let me use his laptop which were extremely new at the time. We stayed good friends all through high school.
I don't know where he is now, but I think of him differently than I did when I was younger. I learned that his meanness was because he did not know how to act seeing his own mother die before his very eyes. He watched cancer eat at her and destroy her. He lashed out the only way he knew.
I learned not to judge people too harshly until you get to know them. We are complex creatures and cannot be made into a two dimensional black and white entity. We are unique and wonderfully made. We just need to dig deeper to see that in some people.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
People Change
I was under the foolish assumption that people never change. I knew that wasn't true, but I really didn't accept it. I didn't realize that until I got in touch with old friends and acquaintances. That is when I truly understood that people change.
In my mind the last memory I had of a person was the true picture. I had forgotten that like all teenagers and young foolish adults we all have to grow up and learn. Here are a few examples.
One girl that I went to school with used to make snide comments about me always going to church. As we went through middle school and high school she was not directly mean to me, but was never really friendly. I discovered her on facebook and I've been watching her posts. She is a Christian and attends church regularly. It is not uncommon for her to post an encouraging word to me. I was hesitant about accepting her facebook friend request. My thoughts were only of the hurt from her attitude. I'm glad I did. She has been so sweet. My memories of old are fading.
That is the way it is with many of the people from my past. Others have grown up just like I have. They have changed. So have I. Their immature actions have hopefully disappeared. They are adults in their forties.
I've learned to not judge people on their past. It is just the past and the present is a whole new chapter.
In my mind the last memory I had of a person was the true picture. I had forgotten that like all teenagers and young foolish adults we all have to grow up and learn. Here are a few examples.
One girl that I went to school with used to make snide comments about me always going to church. As we went through middle school and high school she was not directly mean to me, but was never really friendly. I discovered her on facebook and I've been watching her posts. She is a Christian and attends church regularly. It is not uncommon for her to post an encouraging word to me. I was hesitant about accepting her facebook friend request. My thoughts were only of the hurt from her attitude. I'm glad I did. She has been so sweet. My memories of old are fading.
That is the way it is with many of the people from my past. Others have grown up just like I have. They have changed. So have I. Their immature actions have hopefully disappeared. They are adults in their forties.
I've learned to not judge people on their past. It is just the past and the present is a whole new chapter.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Still Growing Up
I'm finding that I'm still growing up. I have so much to learn. I'm learning about myself, my family, and the others in my life. I'm finding that I'm just beginning to discover my dreams.
Growing up in lower Alabama I decided to become an accountant. Why? Because I could do the work and it was good money. Nowhere did my dreams or desires come into play. From an early age I loved history and learning. It wasn't until I was put into a position of teaching a Bible study did I fully discover my love to teach.
I felt so fulfilled when I was communicating truths to others and getting them to engage in lively discussion. Yet, I was still in a job that was dragging me down with all the stress that came with it. I eventually changed jobs but stayed in accounting. It only got better for a spell. I wanted to just teach yet I had to make money for the family. I continued in the job I had.
Depression set in as I desired to teach full-time and was stuck helping other people line their pockets. This was real frustrating. When we moved to northern Wisconsin I still kept my job and just traveled a lot. It got worse.
I eventually began working part time for a friend who unknowingly got me to writing. I found another passion deep within me that was never tapped in school. Through my writing I could teach. I could communicate to others and have fun doing it. I began to throw myself into my writing. Yet the desire to teach continued.
It wasn't long before the need to homeschool my children arose. I found so much fun in teaching them though my teaching is much better for adults. I lost my job due to the economy. Everywhere I looked accounting was forcing itself in my face. I wanted to cry. Yes, I could do it and do it well, but I hated it.
I had a dream and it seemed that the world was out to destroy it. I am by nature a shy person. Most people are able to walk all over me which is one of the reasons I am struggling with co-dependency. So, when it comes to following dreams I have to fight for them. I fight with myself, family, and the world to be able to see even a glimmer of my dreams. Why? Because the save road is to stay in accounting.
There are plenty of jobs in accounting. Writing is a gamble. It is like being a movie star or rock star. It is not a "sensible" way to earn a living. That usually comes from people who never got to achieve their own dreams either.
I am not guaranteed tomorrow. Today maybe my last day on earth. What good does it benefit me to let my dreams be directed by others? If I try writing and fail what did I lose? Nothing. In failing I gain a lot. I gain a little freedom in doing something on my own. I gain a few moments of following my dream. If I am successful, I gain self-confidence and of course my dream.
I'm learning that I can stand on my own two feet and make my own decisions. I do not have to follow the safe route just because others direct me to. God does not give us dreams only to deny them to us. He just asks that we do it in His time.
I want to write. I will stay up all night long to get it done. I want to go back to school. I am realistic enough to know that it won't happen this year, but next year there is a chance. I want to teach. I am going to look for every available opportunity and I'm going to teach.
The world is not going to force me into a mold and tie me down. Those around me are not going to keep me in their depression and sense of failure. I am me! I am not them! I am a child of God called to a duty and I will follow! My dreams are given to me by God and He will make a way. I need to be willing to go through the door. Lord, here am I. Send me!
Growing up in lower Alabama I decided to become an accountant. Why? Because I could do the work and it was good money. Nowhere did my dreams or desires come into play. From an early age I loved history and learning. It wasn't until I was put into a position of teaching a Bible study did I fully discover my love to teach.
I felt so fulfilled when I was communicating truths to others and getting them to engage in lively discussion. Yet, I was still in a job that was dragging me down with all the stress that came with it. I eventually changed jobs but stayed in accounting. It only got better for a spell. I wanted to just teach yet I had to make money for the family. I continued in the job I had.
Depression set in as I desired to teach full-time and was stuck helping other people line their pockets. This was real frustrating. When we moved to northern Wisconsin I still kept my job and just traveled a lot. It got worse.
I eventually began working part time for a friend who unknowingly got me to writing. I found another passion deep within me that was never tapped in school. Through my writing I could teach. I could communicate to others and have fun doing it. I began to throw myself into my writing. Yet the desire to teach continued.
It wasn't long before the need to homeschool my children arose. I found so much fun in teaching them though my teaching is much better for adults. I lost my job due to the economy. Everywhere I looked accounting was forcing itself in my face. I wanted to cry. Yes, I could do it and do it well, but I hated it.
I had a dream and it seemed that the world was out to destroy it. I am by nature a shy person. Most people are able to walk all over me which is one of the reasons I am struggling with co-dependency. So, when it comes to following dreams I have to fight for them. I fight with myself, family, and the world to be able to see even a glimmer of my dreams. Why? Because the save road is to stay in accounting.
There are plenty of jobs in accounting. Writing is a gamble. It is like being a movie star or rock star. It is not a "sensible" way to earn a living. That usually comes from people who never got to achieve their own dreams either.
I am not guaranteed tomorrow. Today maybe my last day on earth. What good does it benefit me to let my dreams be directed by others? If I try writing and fail what did I lose? Nothing. In failing I gain a lot. I gain a little freedom in doing something on my own. I gain a few moments of following my dream. If I am successful, I gain self-confidence and of course my dream.
I'm learning that I can stand on my own two feet and make my own decisions. I do not have to follow the safe route just because others direct me to. God does not give us dreams only to deny them to us. He just asks that we do it in His time.
I want to write. I will stay up all night long to get it done. I want to go back to school. I am realistic enough to know that it won't happen this year, but next year there is a chance. I want to teach. I am going to look for every available opportunity and I'm going to teach.
The world is not going to force me into a mold and tie me down. Those around me are not going to keep me in their depression and sense of failure. I am me! I am not them! I am a child of God called to a duty and I will follow! My dreams are given to me by God and He will make a way. I need to be willing to go through the door. Lord, here am I. Send me!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Finding Out About Yourself
Lately I've been really learning more about myself. Some of it not too pretty. Some of it exciting. I'm learning that I take friendship very seriously. I get hurt very easily when friends abandon me. A friend should be a friend at all times and not just when it is sunny.
I had someone that I would easily describe as the closest person ever in my life. She knew things about me that no one else did. I thought that we were soul sisters. Until she decided that her old way of living was better and turned viciously on me. She accused me of judging her and thinking bad things of her. Nothing I said penetrated her wall. She was shoving me out of her life. The pain I felt was horrible. My heart was being ripped into. It took me a year to get over the pain. To be accused falsely of things by someone so close is extremely hurtful. You don't just shrug it off. I swore that no one would ever get that close to me again. But God generally has different plans.
I have a friend that I would describe as even closer. I know that I can tell her things in confidence. She is so warm and caring. I've learned that friendship is a risk as well as a blessing. But is something that both sides want, too. I have a friend now that God has placed in my life to help me through tough times. He has given me a blessing.
Learning about yourself can only happen through experiences. When we go through them, the way we respond reflects our hearts. I responded with hurt because it was something very important to me. I didn't think that friendship was that vital as so many friends had come and gone over the years. This was the one time I really brought someone in close and I got hurt. But I can accept that. I know more me. Therefore, I've learned a lot more about friendships.
I had someone that I would easily describe as the closest person ever in my life. She knew things about me that no one else did. I thought that we were soul sisters. Until she decided that her old way of living was better and turned viciously on me. She accused me of judging her and thinking bad things of her. Nothing I said penetrated her wall. She was shoving me out of her life. The pain I felt was horrible. My heart was being ripped into. It took me a year to get over the pain. To be accused falsely of things by someone so close is extremely hurtful. You don't just shrug it off. I swore that no one would ever get that close to me again. But God generally has different plans.
I have a friend that I would describe as even closer. I know that I can tell her things in confidence. She is so warm and caring. I've learned that friendship is a risk as well as a blessing. But is something that both sides want, too. I have a friend now that God has placed in my life to help me through tough times. He has given me a blessing.
Learning about yourself can only happen through experiences. When we go through them, the way we respond reflects our hearts. I responded with hurt because it was something very important to me. I didn't think that friendship was that vital as so many friends had come and gone over the years. This was the one time I really brought someone in close and I got hurt. But I can accept that. I know more me. Therefore, I've learned a lot more about friendships.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
He Made Her Laugh
I was just sitting on my bed a few minutes ago looking over a couple of websites. My son and youngest daughter were playing video games. They began as usual arguing. I began to reprimand them and then remembered what a friend of mine said about raising her own kids. As long as they were fighting, they were learning to interact and would in the end be closer for it. I bit my tongue and prayed she was right. It wasn't like they were knocking out teeth or something so drastic. They were just bickering.
I tried to hide myself in the virtual world as it continued. No telling how bad it would be if their older sister was there. Then out of the clear blue, the bickering stopped. Victoria was giggling to the point that I thought she would wet her pants. Gasping, she told her brother, "You make me laugh." They both broke into a fit of giggles.
In an effort to have my children be just like me as I grew up and for me to handle things exactly like my mother, I was not allowing them to be themselves or me to be me. Life has its conflicts. How else are they going to learn to solve them? They have to work it out themselves. I don't want to be the meddlesome mother who has to dictate every aspect of their life. I want them to be strong confident adults and unknowingly I was holding them back from doing just that.
We all need to step back and re-evaluate how we handle things. We need to see if we are too blinded by the forest to see the individual young saplings trying to reach the sky. How blind could we be in our own lives!
I'm thankful God has placed people in my life who are not controlling or bossy, but help pass on words of wisdom just by the actions in their own lives. Thank you, Kathy.
I tried to hide myself in the virtual world as it continued. No telling how bad it would be if their older sister was there. Then out of the clear blue, the bickering stopped. Victoria was giggling to the point that I thought she would wet her pants. Gasping, she told her brother, "You make me laugh." They both broke into a fit of giggles.
In an effort to have my children be just like me as I grew up and for me to handle things exactly like my mother, I was not allowing them to be themselves or me to be me. Life has its conflicts. How else are they going to learn to solve them? They have to work it out themselves. I don't want to be the meddlesome mother who has to dictate every aspect of their life. I want them to be strong confident adults and unknowingly I was holding them back from doing just that.
We all need to step back and re-evaluate how we handle things. We need to see if we are too blinded by the forest to see the individual young saplings trying to reach the sky. How blind could we be in our own lives!
I'm thankful God has placed people in my life who are not controlling or bossy, but help pass on words of wisdom just by the actions in their own lives. Thank you, Kathy.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
The Stubbornness Around Us and In Us
I have someone I know that is one of the most stubborn people I have ever met and I have met many a stubborn person! This one girl has got to top them off.
She has put herself into a situation that is not morally right. Her response to it all is to justify it from every angle. When her reasoning is swept away, she gets accusatory and claims that everyone is judging her. Though we are not judging and are trying to show her the huge mess she is placing herself in, the point I want to focus on today is her stubborn streak.
No matter what is shown to her, no matter who talks to her who have been there and done that, no matter how bad it gets, she wants it all her way. She wants approval from everyone. She wants it all.
Are we always like that? Yes, I said "we". How many times do we demand our way? You might not be vocal about it, but you still do it. We want God to follow our plan instead of us following His.
As I was ministering to this young girl, I felt God telling me that though I was telling her correctly, I needed to also bring some of it home. I needed to be more focused on Him too, and let Him guide me.
When we minister to others, are we listening to the words, too? Are we following the same advice? Something we can all look deeper into.
She has put herself into a situation that is not morally right. Her response to it all is to justify it from every angle. When her reasoning is swept away, she gets accusatory and claims that everyone is judging her. Though we are not judging and are trying to show her the huge mess she is placing herself in, the point I want to focus on today is her stubborn streak.
No matter what is shown to her, no matter who talks to her who have been there and done that, no matter how bad it gets, she wants it all her way. She wants approval from everyone. She wants it all.
Are we always like that? Yes, I said "we". How many times do we demand our way? You might not be vocal about it, but you still do it. We want God to follow our plan instead of us following His.
As I was ministering to this young girl, I felt God telling me that though I was telling her correctly, I needed to also bring some of it home. I needed to be more focused on Him too, and let Him guide me.
When we minister to others, are we listening to the words, too? Are we following the same advice? Something we can all look deeper into.
Time in the Desert
When God is preparing you for something, He usually puts your through some tough training. When He knows that the battle will intensify and you might find yourself sinking in the waves, He takes you out there a few days (or weeks) before the battle to get you familiar with the terrain and the pressure. He is a general that wants His soldiers 500% ready for battle. I just came out of another period of basic training. God wanted my faith stronger and my walk with Him deeper.
I woke up one morning and everything seemed against me. There was nothing obviously going on. I could just feel it. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. My family was in a crisis and everyone was turning on the other. Fingers were being pointed. What had happened was a break down in communication and when that happens nothing but disaster can result. My children felt alone and neglected. Why? Because we were running here and there and always on the phone or with people. They did not feel like they were important to us. Normally, I would say that we need to just pull back and discuss it all. But instead, everything went into chaos central.
Too much had been pent up and it exploded. As fingers pointed deep issues rose to the surface. What sent me into the desert? A feeling of desertion and abandonment. I honestly felt like God was abandoning me. I had worked solid for 16 years and sometimes took on two jobs to pay the bills and put my husband through school and allow him time to work for God. When I thought that I was to achieve the dream to spend more time at home and pursuing some of my own dreams including going back to school, every door kept slamming against me. Not just slamming. It was ricocheting. Why couldn't I achieve any of my dreams?
Ok, I had published a book but it seemed to be going nowhere. I was new to this marketing thing. I have trouble bragging about my own things. When I sat down to write, everyone demanded my attention. We had agreed that I would have specific quiet time each day to do some writing and Bible study. I could not get anyone to remember that. Another one of my dreams is to go back to school for history and/or religious studies and then teach. I am a learner at heart and I crave it. I cannot find it much around here. Most people I know don't care. They are not driven to learn. Why was this part of my desert?
I had to go back to work for a few weeks to help make ends meet. Back into the accounting world. The blessing in this besides the check is that I work for a great couple of Christians and the environment is nothing that the corporate world has ever offered me. But then my husband got an online teaching job and is teaching. Wait! That was my dream. I wanted to do that. What is up, God? Why can't I get there? What is stopping me? I went straight into a major funk.
My husband could not understand at first that I was feeling like a complete failure. I couldn't do anything right. Where was the confirmations I needed that I was doing what God wanted me to do? Was I totally on the wrong path? Looked like it. It took several days before we were both calm enough to talk and I had the energy to do so. The depression was huge.
Only then could I get him and my children to understand what was happening. I felt that I was useless and nothing mattered. My life was to be spent making money for them and doing whatever they asked of me. My
I woke up one morning and everything seemed against me. There was nothing obviously going on. I could just feel it. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. My family was in a crisis and everyone was turning on the other. Fingers were being pointed. What had happened was a break down in communication and when that happens nothing but disaster can result. My children felt alone and neglected. Why? Because we were running here and there and always on the phone or with people. They did not feel like they were important to us. Normally, I would say that we need to just pull back and discuss it all. But instead, everything went into chaos central.
Too much had been pent up and it exploded. As fingers pointed deep issues rose to the surface. What sent me into the desert? A feeling of desertion and abandonment. I honestly felt like God was abandoning me. I had worked solid for 16 years and sometimes took on two jobs to pay the bills and put my husband through school and allow him time to work for God. When I thought that I was to achieve the dream to spend more time at home and pursuing some of my own dreams including going back to school, every door kept slamming against me. Not just slamming. It was ricocheting. Why couldn't I achieve any of my dreams?
Ok, I had published a book but it seemed to be going nowhere. I was new to this marketing thing. I have trouble bragging about my own things. When I sat down to write, everyone demanded my attention. We had agreed that I would have specific quiet time each day to do some writing and Bible study. I could not get anyone to remember that. Another one of my dreams is to go back to school for history and/or religious studies and then teach. I am a learner at heart and I crave it. I cannot find it much around here. Most people I know don't care. They are not driven to learn. Why was this part of my desert?
I had to go back to work for a few weeks to help make ends meet. Back into the accounting world. The blessing in this besides the check is that I work for a great couple of Christians and the environment is nothing that the corporate world has ever offered me. But then my husband got an online teaching job and is teaching. Wait! That was my dream. I wanted to do that. What is up, God? Why can't I get there? What is stopping me? I went straight into a major funk.
My husband could not understand at first that I was feeling like a complete failure. I couldn't do anything right. Where was the confirmations I needed that I was doing what God wanted me to do? Was I totally on the wrong path? Looked like it. It took several days before we were both calm enough to talk and I had the energy to do so. The depression was huge.
Only then could I get him and my children to understand what was happening. I felt that I was useless and nothing mattered. My life was to be spent making money for them and doing whatever they asked of me. My
Sunday, March 7, 2010
This Birthday is for my Father
Just one more year and I'll be the big 40. I'm not ashamed of it nor scared of it. I'm proud of it.
This year was great because for the first time I had friends who just wanted to let me know that they care. I had a great party, beautiful gifts, and sneaky friends who booked a hotel room for my husband and I to escape to. It has been great. But there is something slightly missing. My dad's off-key rendition of "Happy Birthday".
I was born at 8:30 at night. From the time I left for college and was usually away from home on my birthday, my father and mother would call me at exactly 8:30pm. He would begin singing and I would laugh. He couldn't carry a tune in a bucket.
My 32nd birthday rolled around and the call did not come and the singing was now for God. Each birthday has been hard since then as I see the clock strike me another year older and I miss his voice. This has made each March 7th hard for me.
Most people would think that holidays and Father's Day would be hard for me. But they do not effect me that much. It is my birthday and his (my daughter was born on his birthday) that brings out the selfish tears of missing him.
I cannot stand when people trumpet their birthday weeks before it actually occurs. So many demand attention on that day. Me? I would rather it be forgotten. I take this day to remember my Dad and remember the lessons he taught me and to honor him.
He was a great man. Oh, he had faults. Many of them frustrated us like nobody's business. But he had a heart. If there was somebody in need, he tried to meet it. He would feed more people who were holding the sign "Will work for food" on the side of the road than you could imagine. He made sure the minister at his church was taken care of. He was a deacon who took the job seriously.
Dad valued education. He wanted to make sure that each of his children received a good education and made something of their lives. We've done pretty good. All of us have received our degrees and are able to stand on our own two feet.
Dad raised us in the church. He made sure that we learned basic Bible truths and was able to watch us all become a part of a church home and raise our children in the Word.
What more could a father ask for? I hope that each time I stand on the Word, teach my children, and look for those in need that I honor my father as well as our Father.
Dad, I would love to be where you are - at the feet of Jesus. But until then I will strive to continue down the path you directed me. I want to take the good you gave and continue giving. Dad, thank you for the horrible birthday songs and the love you gave. Thank you for the generosity and teachings that you gave. May our actions and our love honor you throughout our lives and even generations later.
This year was great because for the first time I had friends who just wanted to let me know that they care. I had a great party, beautiful gifts, and sneaky friends who booked a hotel room for my husband and I to escape to. It has been great. But there is something slightly missing. My dad's off-key rendition of "Happy Birthday".
I was born at 8:30 at night. From the time I left for college and was usually away from home on my birthday, my father and mother would call me at exactly 8:30pm. He would begin singing and I would laugh. He couldn't carry a tune in a bucket.
My 32nd birthday rolled around and the call did not come and the singing was now for God. Each birthday has been hard since then as I see the clock strike me another year older and I miss his voice. This has made each March 7th hard for me.
Most people would think that holidays and Father's Day would be hard for me. But they do not effect me that much. It is my birthday and his (my daughter was born on his birthday) that brings out the selfish tears of missing him.
I cannot stand when people trumpet their birthday weeks before it actually occurs. So many demand attention on that day. Me? I would rather it be forgotten. I take this day to remember my Dad and remember the lessons he taught me and to honor him.
He was a great man. Oh, he had faults. Many of them frustrated us like nobody's business. But he had a heart. If there was somebody in need, he tried to meet it. He would feed more people who were holding the sign "Will work for food" on the side of the road than you could imagine. He made sure the minister at his church was taken care of. He was a deacon who took the job seriously.
Dad valued education. He wanted to make sure that each of his children received a good education and made something of their lives. We've done pretty good. All of us have received our degrees and are able to stand on our own two feet.
Dad raised us in the church. He made sure that we learned basic Bible truths and was able to watch us all become a part of a church home and raise our children in the Word.
What more could a father ask for? I hope that each time I stand on the Word, teach my children, and look for those in need that I honor my father as well as our Father.
Dad, I would love to be where you are - at the feet of Jesus. But until then I will strive to continue down the path you directed me. I want to take the good you gave and continue giving. Dad, thank you for the horrible birthday songs and the love you gave. Thank you for the generosity and teachings that you gave. May our actions and our love honor you throughout our lives and even generations later.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
How Selfish We Are
I think that we all can agree that human nature gravitates toward being selfish extremely easy. The last couple of days has made me realize how deep that selfishness is and how most people do not want to change.
The phone rings and rings. My husband tells me that it is the same person who has called about eight times already today. Why? Every time they have a single thought about something, they have to call and share. Whenever they get upset over anything no matter how small it is, they have to call. In fact, if he does not answer immediately each and every time, they go ballistic. When they see us again, they begin loudly asking why we never answer the phone and that they needed us. Problem is they think they own us.
I've noticed more and more how people are selfish about the attention they get. If they want to talk to you right now, it has to be right now. They do not care that you are in the ER with your child. It does not matter to them that you are in a meeting at work. All they care about is that they want you now. That is all they see.
Why are we like that? Why do we think that we are the only people on earth who matter? How horribly selfish we are!
The scenario that I have described might sound extreme and could only be the rare situation. Let me count the ones in my own life that is like that.... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 15..... Shall I go on? They are family members, friends, neighbors, and coworkers.
I began to look at myself and my selfish acts. I do not tend to go the route of calling someone all the time and demanding their attention. I'm more selfish in my time. Why? Because I never get any and have to fight for it. But in the end I can be very selfish there. I want my time. I want the day planned my way. Ouch! Those stinking verses from James just hit me in the head. See how selfish I can be?
I remember the phrase, "God puts sandpaper in your life to smooth your rough edges." I guess I have a lot of edges to smooth :)
The phone rings and rings. My husband tells me that it is the same person who has called about eight times already today. Why? Every time they have a single thought about something, they have to call and share. Whenever they get upset over anything no matter how small it is, they have to call. In fact, if he does not answer immediately each and every time, they go ballistic. When they see us again, they begin loudly asking why we never answer the phone and that they needed us. Problem is they think they own us.
I've noticed more and more how people are selfish about the attention they get. If they want to talk to you right now, it has to be right now. They do not care that you are in the ER with your child. It does not matter to them that you are in a meeting at work. All they care about is that they want you now. That is all they see.
Why are we like that? Why do we think that we are the only people on earth who matter? How horribly selfish we are!
The scenario that I have described might sound extreme and could only be the rare situation. Let me count the ones in my own life that is like that.... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 15..... Shall I go on? They are family members, friends, neighbors, and coworkers.
I began to look at myself and my selfish acts. I do not tend to go the route of calling someone all the time and demanding their attention. I'm more selfish in my time. Why? Because I never get any and have to fight for it. But in the end I can be very selfish there. I want my time. I want the day planned my way. Ouch! Those stinking verses from James just hit me in the head. See how selfish I can be?
I remember the phrase, "God puts sandpaper in your life to smooth your rough edges." I guess I have a lot of edges to smooth :)
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Teamwork is not a Myth
I had a wonderful opportunity to watch one of my son's basketball tournaments. Now, these were a group of fifth grade boys from various schools in the district. Most of them had played together a few times over the last few years and knew each other well on the court. In watching most of the teams, the predominant attitude was win- win. They coaches, the players, and the parents were all about winning. I was honored to witness something deeper.
One of the boys on the team would not be called the most gifted player. He began playing three years ago and fought being over weight. In addition to that he had been diagnosed ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) which means that he could fly off the handle at any moment and flatten someone. His temper was horrible. Whenever he was on the court, he was benched and sometimes kicked out of the game due to his temper.
The next year he almost did not come back to play, but did. The other players tried to work with and the coach began to use a few strategies. Something clicked. The young boy began to really try to keep calm and work with his team mates. Most players would keep the ball from him and try to keep him off the court. These boys did not. They kept giving him the ball hoping that he would make the basket. All year long they did that.
This was the third year. They were in their last game of the tournament and the ball ended up in the young boy's hands. He just threw it up and with the most beautiful grace it fell right through the net. The stands erupted as everyone rose to their feet to scream the boy's name. The excitement was not for the team as much as it was for the boy who got his first basket. His teammates did not chase the ball back down the court. Instead, they ran up to him and jumped on him with excitement. It was not a matter of winning. It was a matter of supporting their teammate. As he came back down the court a grin was spread across his face.
Yes, I was proud of that boy for making the basket, but I was more proud of the other players for making it as important to them as it was to him. They were one entity and played as a team. I get frustrated as I watch adults act so selfish in work, the store, the family, and even the church. What we could learn from some children on a basketball team! It is not about us! It goes so much further than that.
One of the boys on the team would not be called the most gifted player. He began playing three years ago and fought being over weight. In addition to that he had been diagnosed ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) which means that he could fly off the handle at any moment and flatten someone. His temper was horrible. Whenever he was on the court, he was benched and sometimes kicked out of the game due to his temper.
The next year he almost did not come back to play, but did. The other players tried to work with and the coach began to use a few strategies. Something clicked. The young boy began to really try to keep calm and work with his team mates. Most players would keep the ball from him and try to keep him off the court. These boys did not. They kept giving him the ball hoping that he would make the basket. All year long they did that.
This was the third year. They were in their last game of the tournament and the ball ended up in the young boy's hands. He just threw it up and with the most beautiful grace it fell right through the net. The stands erupted as everyone rose to their feet to scream the boy's name. The excitement was not for the team as much as it was for the boy who got his first basket. His teammates did not chase the ball back down the court. Instead, they ran up to him and jumped on him with excitement. It was not a matter of winning. It was a matter of supporting their teammate. As he came back down the court a grin was spread across his face.
Yes, I was proud of that boy for making the basket, but I was more proud of the other players for making it as important to them as it was to him. They were one entity and played as a team. I get frustrated as I watch adults act so selfish in work, the store, the family, and even the church. What we could learn from some children on a basketball team! It is not about us! It goes so much further than that.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Givingt More to Him
I had a unique situation recently. Have you ever had a situation in which you were put into a position that you felt totally unqualified for? That was me multiple times this past week.
I have several dear friends who are very mature Christians. They know scripture a million times better than me. They have more religious education than me. When they start talking I listen because I will learn. One of them came to me with a spiritual problem and I did not know what to do.
Here I was the person that usually goes to them and they were coming to me. I didn’t know what to say. My mind was spinning. I was not prepared for this. I was not educated enough for this. I felt like an idiot. They needed something from me and I had nothing to give. I just sat there. When I spoke, I felt foolish.
God is not a haphazard god. He knows exactly what He is doing. He knew I would be in that position, and He had equipped me for that scenario. I just was not prepared. I had not put on my armor and gone through my drills. I was the one who failed. He more than did His part.
What did I do wrong? My prayers were not there. I was not praying for God’s wisdom to come through me mouth. I was just panicking. My trust was being placed in myself which was a huge mistake. I knew that I should not do that, but in my shock to find myself in this position I turned to my human nature instead of leaning totally on God.
Here I am a minister’s wife and I stumble to counsel! Why? Because I looked at this person as being above me spiritually. I knew they had problems and concerns. I knew they had faults. Trust me, I know that no person is perfect or has it easy in this world. But when those that are more educated than me turn to me, I stumble. I am not expecting it. I don’t have enough faith in where I stand.
The solution? More time with God. That is the only answer. I need to pray more. I need to study more. I need to trust Him more. Overall I need Him more.
I am getting back into my in depth personal time with Him. I’m making the time. Life took over for awhile, but I’m giving it back to Him one moment at a time.
I have several dear friends who are very mature Christians. They know scripture a million times better than me. They have more religious education than me. When they start talking I listen because I will learn. One of them came to me with a spiritual problem and I did not know what to do.
Here I was the person that usually goes to them and they were coming to me. I didn’t know what to say. My mind was spinning. I was not prepared for this. I was not educated enough for this. I felt like an idiot. They needed something from me and I had nothing to give. I just sat there. When I spoke, I felt foolish.
God is not a haphazard god. He knows exactly what He is doing. He knew I would be in that position, and He had equipped me for that scenario. I just was not prepared. I had not put on my armor and gone through my drills. I was the one who failed. He more than did His part.
What did I do wrong? My prayers were not there. I was not praying for God’s wisdom to come through me mouth. I was just panicking. My trust was being placed in myself which was a huge mistake. I knew that I should not do that, but in my shock to find myself in this position I turned to my human nature instead of leaning totally on God.
Here I am a minister’s wife and I stumble to counsel! Why? Because I looked at this person as being above me spiritually. I knew they had problems and concerns. I knew they had faults. Trust me, I know that no person is perfect or has it easy in this world. But when those that are more educated than me turn to me, I stumble. I am not expecting it. I don’t have enough faith in where I stand.
The solution? More time with God. That is the only answer. I need to pray more. I need to study more. I need to trust Him more. Overall I need Him more.
I am getting back into my in depth personal time with Him. I’m making the time. Life took over for awhile, but I’m giving it back to Him one moment at a time.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Learning to Put My Trust in God
I have talked about the lessons I have been learning over the last few days. They are many and like many lessons they are painful. I’ve learned how to open doors that have been fearfully closed. I also learned when to close doors. Some are meant to be.
Because of my past with many of my “best” friends, I do not usually bring someone in to be very close. They always turn on me and the next thing I know when I need them they are talking behind my back or decide that my faults are too many. Why continue to be hurt like that?
About five years ago, I began a new job and met a girl in the department that would become the best friend I ever had. She was like the sister I never really had. We shared so much: our dreams, our past, our pain. Then one day, my heart was ripped apart. She decided that she never wanted to talk to me again. Her reasoning? There was disappointment in my voice because she had started smoking again. She tried so hard to quit and I was disappointed. I was so confused. Was I supposed to be happy? I was there for her. Sometimes it takes multiple times before someone is successful. Then more came out.
She lashed out at me and said that I had more important things in life than her and I should focus on them. I was not to call her again. What?!? I was so confused. We were soul sisters. If she really knew me, she would know that I was not like that. Her smoking was not a reason to end a friendship. If I felt that way about smoking, I would disown many friends and a few family members. I hung up the phone crying harder than I had in years. I later texted her and told her that I would abide by her wishes, but that I was still here for her.
Once I got over many of the fears of using Facebook, I decided to see if she was out there. I found her. I took a chance to request her as a friend. The pain of it all healed this past summer. But I had to offer the olive branch. Maybe she wanted to reach out but was scared or ashamed. I did it and waited a few days for her reply.
It was a denial. She refused me as a friend. A tear rolled down my cheek. This door was to be closed. I don’t know what I did. When asked she had told me that it was the disappointment in my voice that ended the friendship. I tried to mend a bridge and discovered that the gorge was now an abyss.
This was one door that needs to be closed. I still care for her. She was a wonderful friend. I wish her well in life. I wish that she has a great life. But I will move forward with fond memories and memories that teach a few lessons.
People will always let you down. I cannot put my faith in them. But I can learn from them and accept them as they are.
Because of my past with many of my “best” friends, I do not usually bring someone in to be very close. They always turn on me and the next thing I know when I need them they are talking behind my back or decide that my faults are too many. Why continue to be hurt like that?
About five years ago, I began a new job and met a girl in the department that would become the best friend I ever had. She was like the sister I never really had. We shared so much: our dreams, our past, our pain. Then one day, my heart was ripped apart. She decided that she never wanted to talk to me again. Her reasoning? There was disappointment in my voice because she had started smoking again. She tried so hard to quit and I was disappointed. I was so confused. Was I supposed to be happy? I was there for her. Sometimes it takes multiple times before someone is successful. Then more came out.
She lashed out at me and said that I had more important things in life than her and I should focus on them. I was not to call her again. What?!? I was so confused. We were soul sisters. If she really knew me, she would know that I was not like that. Her smoking was not a reason to end a friendship. If I felt that way about smoking, I would disown many friends and a few family members. I hung up the phone crying harder than I had in years. I later texted her and told her that I would abide by her wishes, but that I was still here for her.
Once I got over many of the fears of using Facebook, I decided to see if she was out there. I found her. I took a chance to request her as a friend. The pain of it all healed this past summer. But I had to offer the olive branch. Maybe she wanted to reach out but was scared or ashamed. I did it and waited a few days for her reply.
It was a denial. She refused me as a friend. A tear rolled down my cheek. This door was to be closed. I don’t know what I did. When asked she had told me that it was the disappointment in my voice that ended the friendship. I tried to mend a bridge and discovered that the gorge was now an abyss.
This was one door that needs to be closed. I still care for her. She was a wonderful friend. I wish her well in life. I wish that she has a great life. But I will move forward with fond memories and memories that teach a few lessons.
People will always let you down. I cannot put my faith in them. But I can learn from them and accept them as they are.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Lessons From Facebook
I’m one to let doors stay close. When I move forward, I try not to look back. Too many times it is the painful memories that are the most powerful. It has been that way throughout my life. I move forward. Staying in the past is too much. When I signed onto Facebook, the past came back and with it memories.
I ventured into Facebook because of the book I had published. I had been told that getting myself and the book out there was to network. OK. I can do that. I was scared, but I could give it try. I began with family and a few friends. I held back venturing much further. But the past always beckons us.
I couldn’t help it. It was the year of my high school’s twentieth reunion. No one from high school knew where I was. My best friends had disappeared off the face of the earth and no one from my graduating class knew my married name. I had kept that door closed. But temptation and downright curiosity got the best of me. I started looking for high school friends.
When I found them, I just looked at their names. Too many memories surfaced. There were many good ones. There were many that tore at my heart. Fear, humiliation, and loneliness filled me. So much of who we are happens in our teenage years. The drama that unfolds creates the adults we are today.
I was always an introvert. Any stranger that spoke to me received a bent head with a beat red face. I hated crowds and new people. I trusted easily. I wore my heart on my sleeve. In many ways this is still me. I still hate meeting new people and would love to crawl under a table and hope no one sees me. I have to rack my brain what to say to people because I know that I have to find the right words because mine will never do. I am suspicious of people because trusting even those closest to me has resulted only in betrayal. I still wear my heart on my sleeve and hurt easily. Why? Because I found that most people mean what they say and have daggers buried in their words and actions. Why go through all this again and bring up the girl who cried so much? Because she had not healed.
The first person I befriended was a boy…… Let’s stop there. He is no longer a boy. We are almost forty years old. We have grown up. I need to stop looking at them all in that way. They are men and women now.
To get back to it – I found a man who I had the hardest and longest crush on. I fell for him in ninth grade and never got over him through the next few years. We were not meant to be anything put friends over those four years. I always appreciated that. I was a plain Jane. He was cute and flirtatious. Because he spoke to me others were less likely to make fun of me. I contacted him to be a Facebook friend. He accepted, but he had no idea who I was. I had kept my maiden name out of it. I was still too afraid of what would come out of all this. What were his memories of me? Did he even remember me? I also took a chance to contact him through the chat feature. If he did not treat me rudely, I might venture to another person. This was my test before moving forward. I was almost giddy with relief at his response. It was positive. There was no coldness or snobbery. He was the same in our friendship as he was twenty years ago. We reminisced about the clubs we were in and the camping trips that were so much fun. He even remembered holding my hand once. Just good fun remembering the past. This wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be. My daughter thought it was because of my old crush. I explained to her that it was because I opened a door and didn’t fall to my death.
Let’s try another one. I found another guy that was in so many of my classes. In fact, I always felt like he should have been the one giving the speech at graduation instead of me. He was so smart. I approached him and he was happy to hear from me. I couldn’t believe it. That was two for two. Could it be that it wasn’t all that bad?
OK, I found another friend who was in most of my classes. I asked to be her friend. She accepted, but something told me that she didn’t know who I was. After about a week or so, I felt so alone because she didn’t know who I was. We were not best friends, but we had a lot that we experienced together. She was a great classmate. I tossed and turned for awhile over whether or not to put my maiden name out there. So one day I took the chance and did it. The response from her was great. Then I saw something that kicked me in the stomach.
Two of her friends who commented on her entries were two boys (sorry, men) whom I had dated and whom I broke up with over her. They all wanted to date her instead of me. I wasn’t mad at her or anything for communicating with them. It was the memories that it all brought up.
The first boyfriend who forgot my 16th birthday and then wanted to dump me to ask her out. I beat him to the punch. We stayed friends, but the pain of a first boyfriend lasts a long time.
Boyfriend number two who took me to prom and then I discovered that I was second choice and he wished I was her. The result was me breaking it off and then nastiness and revenge from his friends. I couldn’t show my face for the lies told.
The pain was deep. I hated what had happened. I didn’t want those memories. I had such a low self-esteem with boys as it was. It only got worse. It took the contact from boyfriend number one to show me that high school is just a bunch of painful drama. Nothing more.
He became my friend on Facebook and struck up a chat. In so many ways he was the same guy. In many more I found a man instead of a boy. He had grown up. He had changed. He was different. We talked of the past. We joked. He apologized for his actions. Made me feel good, I must admit. If he had grown up and matured, maybe everyone else had, too. I was learning a hard lesson. I cannot keep judging people on my past view of them. I have to give them a chance to see if they had changed and grew up. I had. Why couldn’t they have?
A few more people entered my life on Facebook. A few I really wasn’t sure if I wanted to accept their friendships. The past with them was bad. The last time I spoke to one girl, she cussed me out because I would not say that she was the best friend I ever had. (Were we that overdramatic?) Another made my life a living, well you know, for over a year. She was deceitful and mean. They had all received me warmly and when they talked about their life, it was a very different one from high school and even college. They had changed. They had grown up.
I learned not to make memories as eternal things. They did happen and in that regard should not be forgotten. But to make memories current events is not right. Twenty years is a long time. Wonders can be made during that time. Miracles can occur. I’ve changed more in the last few days that I have in the last few years. I discovered friends again. I discovered that time can heal wounds. I haven’t found a few really close friends out there. I wonder if they are even alive. I’ll keep looking. I don’t want my memories to be jaded by time. I want new memories with a clearer reality.
I ventured into Facebook because of the book I had published. I had been told that getting myself and the book out there was to network. OK. I can do that. I was scared, but I could give it try. I began with family and a few friends. I held back venturing much further. But the past always beckons us.
I couldn’t help it. It was the year of my high school’s twentieth reunion. No one from high school knew where I was. My best friends had disappeared off the face of the earth and no one from my graduating class knew my married name. I had kept that door closed. But temptation and downright curiosity got the best of me. I started looking for high school friends.
When I found them, I just looked at their names. Too many memories surfaced. There were many good ones. There were many that tore at my heart. Fear, humiliation, and loneliness filled me. So much of who we are happens in our teenage years. The drama that unfolds creates the adults we are today.
I was always an introvert. Any stranger that spoke to me received a bent head with a beat red face. I hated crowds and new people. I trusted easily. I wore my heart on my sleeve. In many ways this is still me. I still hate meeting new people and would love to crawl under a table and hope no one sees me. I have to rack my brain what to say to people because I know that I have to find the right words because mine will never do. I am suspicious of people because trusting even those closest to me has resulted only in betrayal. I still wear my heart on my sleeve and hurt easily. Why? Because I found that most people mean what they say and have daggers buried in their words and actions. Why go through all this again and bring up the girl who cried so much? Because she had not healed.
The first person I befriended was a boy…… Let’s stop there. He is no longer a boy. We are almost forty years old. We have grown up. I need to stop looking at them all in that way. They are men and women now.
To get back to it – I found a man who I had the hardest and longest crush on. I fell for him in ninth grade and never got over him through the next few years. We were not meant to be anything put friends over those four years. I always appreciated that. I was a plain Jane. He was cute and flirtatious. Because he spoke to me others were less likely to make fun of me. I contacted him to be a Facebook friend. He accepted, but he had no idea who I was. I had kept my maiden name out of it. I was still too afraid of what would come out of all this. What were his memories of me? Did he even remember me? I also took a chance to contact him through the chat feature. If he did not treat me rudely, I might venture to another person. This was my test before moving forward. I was almost giddy with relief at his response. It was positive. There was no coldness or snobbery. He was the same in our friendship as he was twenty years ago. We reminisced about the clubs we were in and the camping trips that were so much fun. He even remembered holding my hand once. Just good fun remembering the past. This wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be. My daughter thought it was because of my old crush. I explained to her that it was because I opened a door and didn’t fall to my death.
Let’s try another one. I found another guy that was in so many of my classes. In fact, I always felt like he should have been the one giving the speech at graduation instead of me. He was so smart. I approached him and he was happy to hear from me. I couldn’t believe it. That was two for two. Could it be that it wasn’t all that bad?
OK, I found another friend who was in most of my classes. I asked to be her friend. She accepted, but something told me that she didn’t know who I was. After about a week or so, I felt so alone because she didn’t know who I was. We were not best friends, but we had a lot that we experienced together. She was a great classmate. I tossed and turned for awhile over whether or not to put my maiden name out there. So one day I took the chance and did it. The response from her was great. Then I saw something that kicked me in the stomach.
Two of her friends who commented on her entries were two boys (sorry, men) whom I had dated and whom I broke up with over her. They all wanted to date her instead of me. I wasn’t mad at her or anything for communicating with them. It was the memories that it all brought up.
The first boyfriend who forgot my 16th birthday and then wanted to dump me to ask her out. I beat him to the punch. We stayed friends, but the pain of a first boyfriend lasts a long time.
Boyfriend number two who took me to prom and then I discovered that I was second choice and he wished I was her. The result was me breaking it off and then nastiness and revenge from his friends. I couldn’t show my face for the lies told.
The pain was deep. I hated what had happened. I didn’t want those memories. I had such a low self-esteem with boys as it was. It only got worse. It took the contact from boyfriend number one to show me that high school is just a bunch of painful drama. Nothing more.
He became my friend on Facebook and struck up a chat. In so many ways he was the same guy. In many more I found a man instead of a boy. He had grown up. He had changed. He was different. We talked of the past. We joked. He apologized for his actions. Made me feel good, I must admit. If he had grown up and matured, maybe everyone else had, too. I was learning a hard lesson. I cannot keep judging people on my past view of them. I have to give them a chance to see if they had changed and grew up. I had. Why couldn’t they have?
A few more people entered my life on Facebook. A few I really wasn’t sure if I wanted to accept their friendships. The past with them was bad. The last time I spoke to one girl, she cussed me out because I would not say that she was the best friend I ever had. (Were we that overdramatic?) Another made my life a living, well you know, for over a year. She was deceitful and mean. They had all received me warmly and when they talked about their life, it was a very different one from high school and even college. They had changed. They had grown up.
I learned not to make memories as eternal things. They did happen and in that regard should not be forgotten. But to make memories current events is not right. Twenty years is a long time. Wonders can be made during that time. Miracles can occur. I’ve changed more in the last few days that I have in the last few years. I discovered friends again. I discovered that time can heal wounds. I haven’t found a few really close friends out there. I wonder if they are even alive. I’ll keep looking. I don’t want my memories to be jaded by time. I want new memories with a clearer reality.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Lessons Continue
My last entry was discussing how God uses obstacles that seem so tall and insurmountable to remind us how awesome He is. My family had something hit us right between the eyes. God taught us a lot. We stepped out on faith and went against what the world would say. And in return He is blessing us beyond measure.
Yesterday my husband was called in that he was accepted as a substitute teacher in a nearby district. That would really help our highly probable money issue. That is if there is a need for him. But it is a start. I got offered a writing job. It is very low pay, but it is a start. It will pay for a week's worth of gas. Then the temporary job that I was to start in February called and asked if I could start early. Works for me! Then a prayer supporter felt led to help the ministry out and wanted our address to send money. Our van died a few days before the obstacle reared its head. We got offered a car and they will work with us.
We haven't found the entire amount that we will be short next month and the month after, but we are much closer than we were when we got knocked down. God is taking care of. He will not let us starve. Proverbs 10:3a says that God will not the righteous be hungry. We might not get what we want when we want, but He will provide it in the most creative and uplifting ways.
We've never known a time (since college) when we did not know if we had one penny to look at. We are there now. But we are not frightened. We are not panicking. We are waiting to see how God is glorified in it all. We trust Him. We have learned the hard way not to trust man. No one person on this planet is completely trusting. They will let you down. But God is the one to turn to. He can take the unsuspecting person and use them to help you. We should not feel bad to accept "charity". They have submitted themselves to God to be a servant and He wants them to serve you at this moment. Let them be a tool for God when they help out with food, babysitting, bills, or gas. When you are back on your feet, help them back or pass it on to someone else. Be submissive to God in letting Him overcome the obstacle. Be submissive to God in letting Him guide you down the dark path. Be submissive to God in accepting love from others in all the various forms of fellowship. Be submissive to God in have empathy for others in your situation and lend a helping hand. Only this way can we grow more Christ-like and allow His bright glory shine for all to see.
Yesterday my husband was called in that he was accepted as a substitute teacher in a nearby district. That would really help our highly probable money issue. That is if there is a need for him. But it is a start. I got offered a writing job. It is very low pay, but it is a start. It will pay for a week's worth of gas. Then the temporary job that I was to start in February called and asked if I could start early. Works for me! Then a prayer supporter felt led to help the ministry out and wanted our address to send money. Our van died a few days before the obstacle reared its head. We got offered a car and they will work with us.
We haven't found the entire amount that we will be short next month and the month after, but we are much closer than we were when we got knocked down. God is taking care of. He will not let us starve. Proverbs 10:3a says that God will not the righteous be hungry. We might not get what we want when we want, but He will provide it in the most creative and uplifting ways.
We've never known a time (since college) when we did not know if we had one penny to look at. We are there now. But we are not frightened. We are not panicking. We are waiting to see how God is glorified in it all. We trust Him. We have learned the hard way not to trust man. No one person on this planet is completely trusting. They will let you down. But God is the one to turn to. He can take the unsuspecting person and use them to help you. We should not feel bad to accept "charity". They have submitted themselves to God to be a servant and He wants them to serve you at this moment. Let them be a tool for God when they help out with food, babysitting, bills, or gas. When you are back on your feet, help them back or pass it on to someone else. Be submissive to God in letting Him overcome the obstacle. Be submissive to God in letting Him guide you down the dark path. Be submissive to God in accepting love from others in all the various forms of fellowship. Be submissive to God in have empathy for others in your situation and lend a helping hand. Only this way can we grow more Christ-like and allow His bright glory shine for all to see.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Never Stop Learning
We never stop learning. If you think you know it all, you probably know very little. One of the worst areas we have for learning is trusting God. Just like the Israelites we cannot seem to remember lessons learned.
When obstacles appear we always focus on them. We see the Red Sea before us and the Egyptians behind us. We see the thousands of soldiers before us and the few hundred with us. We see a valley of dry bones and nothing else. What we seem to forget and totally ignore is that God is there and He is way bigger and more powerful than the Red Sea, the Egyptians, the soldiers, death. No obstacle is too big for Him. In fact, they don't come up to His big toe. So why do we continually focus on them?
When Paul was in prison, he did not lament his predicament. He did not sit wringing his hands wondering what was going to happen next. He knew that what had happened would be in God's will and that he was going to do what he was told to do, witness, until he got his next marching orders. He did not wonder how he could do anything because he was in jail. He did not wonder how he could continue his ministry. He looked at the circumstances he was in and just did his job. He did not worry about the next ten minutes.
My family and I had a situation just yesterday that seemed to turn our world upside down. I never doubted that God would provide. When it comes to standing on principle, I am almost a bulldog about some things. To sell our soul for money and compromise our believes and values was not even something to discuss. God would always provide when a child of His stands up for what is right and biblical. He has for us each and every time.
Yesterday we were told that my husband was losing his job. OK, really he was losing the funding for that ministry. The ministry would not die and he would not give up following God's plan. But when the carrot was dangled in front of us, we felt caught between a rock and a hard place. Turn the ministry into what all other ministries are (which we have been praised for following the Bible and not man-made ideas and traditions)and lose your salary and not your work funds or continue and have no money at all. Saying we were shocked would be an understatement.
We have been commended for having a ministry that was more reflective of Jesus' while He was on earth. We are like nothing in the entire county and even the surrounding counties. Last night five people sat before us saying that they would be back using drugs or even worse if we were not here for them. We are reaching out to people who have no money, no family that supports them, and feel that there is no good in life. They say that they have found God again. They feel Him when we have fun together, worship together, and pray together. But other churches have commented that they just could not do what we do. They cannot reach many of the lost around here with severe issues. They cannot show them that Jesus is real and obtainable. Yet, if we were put under their direction they would want to take us down paths that would go against everything we do and stand for. They have told us that. The ministry would change and we would have to be like all the others around us.
The obstacle in front of us? Honestly, just money. How would we survive? I have no full-time job. If he loses his, how will we eat. There would be no money to survive on. Do we give in and go against what we and others feel God is leading us to do for money? Or do we say that we have the faith of a mustard seed and stand on principle? We are going to stand on principle. We cannot stand before God and say that we chose money and "peace of mind" over following His direction. Where would our blessings be? We would be miserable. We would be walking in the dark. But when we step out and say that we will be like Noah and follow God no matter how illogical it may sound, we will be the ones above the floods. We will be the ones with the blessings and the true peace. No amount of ridicule or condemnation will change that.
Our God is the only god. He is the only one to save us. He is the only one who has been there for us during the good and the gad. He is the only faithful person we know. He is the only truly supportive person because He is God and cannot be anything less. We follow the commander of all commanders. We follow the leader that leads perfectly. We follow the one who takes care of the lilies and the sparrows and reminds me how much more important I am than them. Why wouldn't He take care of something as tiny as money to live on. He created an amazing universe that we still cannot understand. He created the human body that sends scientists curveballs every time they think they have it figured out. Our God is the focus of our life, not man made rules, traditions, opinions, selfish desires, or controlling needs.
We learned that our faith can be blown in the wind, but just like a tree that bends with the winds instead of being broken into. We bent with the assault of the storm. We felt the pain of going in a direction we were not meant to. But when the storm eased, we pulled ourselves back up and continued growing. This time the growth is stronger.
When obstacles appear we always focus on them. We see the Red Sea before us and the Egyptians behind us. We see the thousands of soldiers before us and the few hundred with us. We see a valley of dry bones and nothing else. What we seem to forget and totally ignore is that God is there and He is way bigger and more powerful than the Red Sea, the Egyptians, the soldiers, death. No obstacle is too big for Him. In fact, they don't come up to His big toe. So why do we continually focus on them?
When Paul was in prison, he did not lament his predicament. He did not sit wringing his hands wondering what was going to happen next. He knew that what had happened would be in God's will and that he was going to do what he was told to do, witness, until he got his next marching orders. He did not wonder how he could do anything because he was in jail. He did not wonder how he could continue his ministry. He looked at the circumstances he was in and just did his job. He did not worry about the next ten minutes.
My family and I had a situation just yesterday that seemed to turn our world upside down. I never doubted that God would provide. When it comes to standing on principle, I am almost a bulldog about some things. To sell our soul for money and compromise our believes and values was not even something to discuss. God would always provide when a child of His stands up for what is right and biblical. He has for us each and every time.
Yesterday we were told that my husband was losing his job. OK, really he was losing the funding for that ministry. The ministry would not die and he would not give up following God's plan. But when the carrot was dangled in front of us, we felt caught between a rock and a hard place. Turn the ministry into what all other ministries are (which we have been praised for following the Bible and not man-made ideas and traditions)and lose your salary and not your work funds or continue and have no money at all. Saying we were shocked would be an understatement.
We have been commended for having a ministry that was more reflective of Jesus' while He was on earth. We are like nothing in the entire county and even the surrounding counties. Last night five people sat before us saying that they would be back using drugs or even worse if we were not here for them. We are reaching out to people who have no money, no family that supports them, and feel that there is no good in life. They say that they have found God again. They feel Him when we have fun together, worship together, and pray together. But other churches have commented that they just could not do what we do. They cannot reach many of the lost around here with severe issues. They cannot show them that Jesus is real and obtainable. Yet, if we were put under their direction they would want to take us down paths that would go against everything we do and stand for. They have told us that. The ministry would change and we would have to be like all the others around us.
The obstacle in front of us? Honestly, just money. How would we survive? I have no full-time job. If he loses his, how will we eat. There would be no money to survive on. Do we give in and go against what we and others feel God is leading us to do for money? Or do we say that we have the faith of a mustard seed and stand on principle? We are going to stand on principle. We cannot stand before God and say that we chose money and "peace of mind" over following His direction. Where would our blessings be? We would be miserable. We would be walking in the dark. But when we step out and say that we will be like Noah and follow God no matter how illogical it may sound, we will be the ones above the floods. We will be the ones with the blessings and the true peace. No amount of ridicule or condemnation will change that.
Our God is the only god. He is the only one to save us. He is the only one who has been there for us during the good and the gad. He is the only faithful person we know. He is the only truly supportive person because He is God and cannot be anything less. We follow the commander of all commanders. We follow the leader that leads perfectly. We follow the one who takes care of the lilies and the sparrows and reminds me how much more important I am than them. Why wouldn't He take care of something as tiny as money to live on. He created an amazing universe that we still cannot understand. He created the human body that sends scientists curveballs every time they think they have it figured out. Our God is the focus of our life, not man made rules, traditions, opinions, selfish desires, or controlling needs.
We learned that our faith can be blown in the wind, but just like a tree that bends with the winds instead of being broken into. We bent with the assault of the storm. We felt the pain of going in a direction we were not meant to. But when the storm eased, we pulled ourselves back up and continued growing. This time the growth is stronger.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
3 Simple God Acts of Love Challenge
This past Sunday the preacher gave each of us a challenge for the week. We were to note three instances in which God answered a prayer or need through simple methods. With the weeks we had been having I thought that it would be impossible. Why do I keep underestimating God?
God gave me simple act number 1 on Monday morning. I knew I was not getting over my sinus infection. The medicine from urgent care was not working at all. So I called my regular doctor. It usually takes three to five days to see him because everyone loves him. The receptionist actually laughed when I asked for the earliest date to see him was. But her laugh turned to gasps as she saw a cancellation. I could get in at 11:20. A miracle. A simple one, but a miracle.
We know God performs huge and amazing feats. We hear about it all the time in testimonies, but the simple acts that happen multiple times a time gets overlooked all the time. We never stop to see what He sends us that we brush aside and take for granted. We keep looking for a parting of the Red Sea while ignoring the butterfly. God sent that to us as well.
Our lives are always on the run. Our society expects this of us. We cannot have a single empty space on our calendar without being looked down upon or feeling guilty. To take a moment to breathe has to be planned and is a major event in our lives. Why should imitating Christ by taking some quality time to rejuvenate be so unusual?
Because of that challenge, I began my week being more deliberate and observant. Because of that I had a much better start to my day and I did not focus on the negative. I was deliberately looking for God in the simple things. Therefore, I was able to actually see the simple things and appreciate them.
I'm hoping to continue that today. I was actually able to start my day off with prayer and Bible study which has been almost non-existent lately. I did not think of what had to be done next. I took the moments of first coming around from sleep and began communing with my Father. I plan on seeing the simple miracles today and enjoying each and every one.
God gave me simple act number 1 on Monday morning. I knew I was not getting over my sinus infection. The medicine from urgent care was not working at all. So I called my regular doctor. It usually takes three to five days to see him because everyone loves him. The receptionist actually laughed when I asked for the earliest date to see him was. But her laugh turned to gasps as she saw a cancellation. I could get in at 11:20. A miracle. A simple one, but a miracle.
We know God performs huge and amazing feats. We hear about it all the time in testimonies, but the simple acts that happen multiple times a time gets overlooked all the time. We never stop to see what He sends us that we brush aside and take for granted. We keep looking for a parting of the Red Sea while ignoring the butterfly. God sent that to us as well.
Our lives are always on the run. Our society expects this of us. We cannot have a single empty space on our calendar without being looked down upon or feeling guilty. To take a moment to breathe has to be planned and is a major event in our lives. Why should imitating Christ by taking some quality time to rejuvenate be so unusual?
Because of that challenge, I began my week being more deliberate and observant. Because of that I had a much better start to my day and I did not focus on the negative. I was deliberately looking for God in the simple things. Therefore, I was able to actually see the simple things and appreciate them.
I'm hoping to continue that today. I was actually able to start my day off with prayer and Bible study which has been almost non-existent lately. I did not think of what had to be done next. I took the moments of first coming around from sleep and began communing with my Father. I plan on seeing the simple miracles today and enjoying each and every one.
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